Friends 705 The One With The Engagement Picture

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey. Monica: What’s the matter? Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!! Phoebe: Oh Willie’s still alive! Chandler: What are you guys doing? Monica: Oh, my mom called, they’re gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we’re looking for a good picture of us. Chandler: Oooh, I’m afraid that does not exist. Monica: That’s not true, there are great pictures of us! Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who’s going like this… (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.) Phoebe: Oh my God! That’s the creep that you’re with at the Statue of Liberty. Chandler: I don’t know what it is, I just can’t take a good picture. Monica: (looking at one) Oh, here’s a great one. Chandler: Yeah, I’m not in that. Monica: I know, but look at me all tan. Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you guys go, get portraits done by a professional photographer. Monica: That’s a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Y’know… (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.) Phoebe: Yeah that’s great! Next to that, Chandler won’t look so stupid. Monica: Chandler what do you say? Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, I’m not going. I’m going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.] Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh… Chandler: How about those three pointers? Ross: Amazing! Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin’ us play this time too. (They both get dejected and go sit down.) Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebe’s talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy. Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy, we call him Hums While He Pees. Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom. Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out! Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married. Phoebe: He is! But he’s getting divorced—Ross! Maybe you know him. Ross: It’s not a club. Rachel: Phoebe, if this guy’s going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him? Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men! Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club. Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work. Phoebe: You don’t have to be back for a half-hour! Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a cracker. Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y’know you can’t date him right? Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife. Ross: Soon he’ll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired. Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because I’m not gonna act on it. Phoebe: So you wouldn’t mind if he was dating someone else? Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isn’t he? He’s dating that slut in marketing! Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced men’s club. Chandler: Dude that is so sad. Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back. Chandler: Could I play? [Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, she’s returning from lunch to see Tag not doing his sit-ups.] Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag? Tag: I just did them. Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more! Tag: What? Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in? Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night? Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those? (He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel alone with his stuff. She notices his sweater in his backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a coworker, walks up.) Melissa: Hey Rachel! Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, what’s up? I’m just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y’know, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. What’s up? (She has put on the backpack.) Melissa: Umm, is Tag here? Rachel: No. Why? Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight. Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya? Melissa: Well, we’ve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that. Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain’t a locker room, okay? But, y’know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight. Melissa: Oh no! Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work. Melissa: Hey! Isn’t that Tag’s backpack. Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I don’t want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor. (Melissa beats a hasty retreat.) [Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler isn’t.] The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great! That’s great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile? Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.) The Photographer: I’m sorry, is the seat uncomfortable? Chandler: No, I am. Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile. Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.) Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you don’t have to smile. Let’s try something else. Let’s try umm, try looking sexy. Chandler: Okay. (You’ll have to see it, I can’t describe the face he makes, but it isn’t good.) Monica: Or not. [Scene: Rachel’s Office, Joey is knocking on the door holding a hand over a spot on his shirt.] Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here? Joey: Uhh, well I’ve got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got an extra one? Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm…here. (Hands him one.) Joey: Great. (He doesn’t like it.) You got anything that’s not Ralph Lauren? Rachel: Yeah, I don’t think so Joe. Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine. Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight? Joey: Nothing, why? Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I’ll pay. Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say it’s gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude. Rachel: I’m not asking you to go on a date with him! Joey: Really? ‘Cause I could kinda use the money. Rachel: Joey, just-just he-he’s new in town and I know he doesn’t have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I’ll really appreciate it. Joey: Yeah, okay. Rachel: Yeah? Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.) Ooh—Hey, donuts! Rachel: Yeah! Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.) [Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture taken.] Monica: I know. Let’s try a look…of far off…wonderment. Okay, we’ll-we’ll gaze into our future and we’ll think about our marriage and the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.) Hey! Don’t laugh at him! He’s my drowning moron! Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.) Monica: That’s it! Take it! Take it! Take it! (Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.] Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and that’s why I have to kill you." Monica: They can’t all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is. Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me? Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread? (Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.) Phoebe: I’m having a really good time! Hums While He Pees: Me too! I’m sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck. Phoebe: Ohh. No that’s okay, he’s a friend. Hums While He Pees: Hey uh, I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go? Phoebe: Yeah, I… Well y’know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so I’d just be lost. Hums While He Pees: I know it’s really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss and—Oh no! No! No! My God! Phoebe: Okay, don’t freak out. I’ll go. Hums While He Pees: No it’s… Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy! Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross? Ross: Yeah? Phoebe: Yeah, umm that’s Whitney (Points), Kyle’s ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y’know divert her so that we can slip out? Ross: What?! No! Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.) Ross: Look, I don’t think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, I’ll do it. But just because you’re a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.] Phoebe: Hi Ginger. Ross: All right! I want my key back! Phoebe: I don’t have it! Ross: It’s right there! (Points to her hand.) Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the key.) Ross: Look, I’m sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs. Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though for diverting Kyle’s ex. Ross: Oh yeah—No—You’re welcome. We’ll talk about it later. Phoebe: Okay. (Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.) Ross: Hi Whitney. Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast? Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay. Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyle’s ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her not date her! Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! I’m sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night. Whitney: Sure. Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay? Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing? Ross: Yes! That’s where we realized we were both super cool people! Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her. Ross: Like what? Phoebe: Like she’s really mean, and she’s over critical, and-and—No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you! Ross: Okay. Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon! Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I’ll be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons. Phoebe: You’re still gonna go out with her?! Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: Well, didn’t you just hear what I said?! Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husband’s gonna say that stuff. Now, if you’ll excuse me… Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She is crazy! Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isn’t sound proof. Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her! [Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel is standing there.] Tag: Good morning. Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night? Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game. Rachel: Ohh that’s nice. Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women! Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women? Tag: Well kinda old, like 30. ……