Friends 709 The One With All The Candy

[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Ben how to ride a bike. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are they also.] Ben: (on the bike) I’m ready! Ross: You sure? Ben: Uh-huh! Chandler: Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there. (Does so.) Ben: (To Chandler) Thanks daddy. Ross: No-no, one daddy, two mommies. All right, it’s all yours. (Ross pushes him off.) Chandler: Okay. Okay. Ross: Yes! Yes! Yes!! (Everyone stands and claps.) Phoebe: His first big kid’s bike, this is so exciting! Monica: Oh yeah, I remember mine! Ohh, it was my sixth birthday, my dad took me to the park, I got it, and…it bent. Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: I never had a bike of my own. Ross: (shocked) What?! Phoebe: Well, we didn’t have a lot of money. But the girl across the street had the best bike! It was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on. Chandler: That sounds like my first bike. (They all turn and look at him.) My dad gave me his old one. Ross: Ohh. Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it? Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. (They’re all speechless) So I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard. Ross: That is so unfair! Phoebe: Not really, I got to drag him around too! (They all nod, "Oh.") Opening Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is cooking, Joey is eating, and Chandler is entering from the bedroom.] Chandler: Hey! What are you guys doing? Joey: Hey. Monica: Making holiday candy for the neighbors. Chandler: I’m sorry, who? Monica: I’m gonna hang this basket (Points to the one sitting on the table) on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece. Chandler: But we don’t know the neighbors. Joey: I do. There’s uh, let’s see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids I’ve Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty. Monica: See? This is exactly why I’m making this candy. We can learn their names and get to know our neighbors. Chandler: Wouldn’t it be easier if we just moved? Rachel: (entering, happily) Gooood morning!! Chandler: Eh, somebody’s in a good mood! Rachel: Well, why shouldn’t I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful job! Monica: Where you can make out with your assistant. Rachel: Come on, it’s not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem. Monica: Oh yeah, what’s the plan? Rachel: (pauses as she thinks and exhales loudly) We… We are not… …going to let it… be a problem. Monica: Wow! It took you all night to come up with that plan?! Rachel: Well y’know, we did other stuff too. (Joey and Chandler start to giggle.) Monica: Did you two… Rachel: Oh Monica come on, y’know I don’t sleep with guys on the first date! Monica: Matt Guire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wire… Rachel: Anymore!! Monica: Okay. [Scene: Rachel’s Office, she’s at her desk while the mailman delivers her mail and calls Tag in.] Rachel: Hi. Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct? Tag: Yes, at 4:00. Rachel: Okay, thank you. That’ll be all. (The mail guy leaves and Tag starts to follow, but Rachel stops him.) (Excitedly) Wait! Wait! (Rushes over and closes the office-door.) Did you see that? That mail guy had no idea there was something going on between us. (They kiss.) Tag: I’d better get back to my desk. Rachel: Okay, you hard worker! I’ll remember to put that in your evaluation. Tag: My what? Rachel: Well, you’ve been here for two months now and your boss is required to hand in a performance evaluation. But y’know, there is one thing that I have yet to evaluate. (She turns around and sweeps the stuff off of her desk and hops up onto it.) Tag: Are you serious? Rachel: No, I’ve just always wanted to do that. Can you help me clean this up? [Scene: The Hallway, Monica and Chandler are returning and Monica finds her basket is empty.] Monica: The basket is totally empty! My God, the neighbors ate all the candy! Chandler: Well, either that or uh…(Motions towards Joey’s door.) Monica: Joey!! (She storms into his apartment to find him with a towel around his shoulders, a bowl on his head, and Phoebe with scissors in her hand.) Joey: Yeah? Monica: Did you eat all the neighbor candy?! Joey: Uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time I got to it there was only a couple of pieces left! Phoebe: Yeah, and they’ve been coming by all day. They love it! Monica: They love my candy? Oh man!!! I’ve gotta go make more!! (Starts to do so.) Joey: Hey Mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because something might’ve happened to a huge chunk of it. (Ross enters.) Monica: Ross! The neighbors ate all my candy!! Ross: Mine stole my newspaper! It’s like a crime wave!! (Monica runs to make more candy.) Pheebs, you uh, you got a second. Phoebe: Sure! Ross: Yeah, ever since you uh, told me that story about that bike I-I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I mean, everyone should have a-a first bike, so… (He goes out into the hall and re-enters with a bike exactly like the one Phoebe described earlier.) Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God Ross!! Ross: You like it? Phoebe: I love it!! Ross: Yeah? Phoebe: Ohh!! Ohh!! And I love you! Ross: Ahh. Phoebe: Not that way! But the bike brought you a lot closer! Ross: Ah! (She hugs him.) Well uh-uh, t-take it downstairs, y’know give it a test ride. Phoebe: Okay! Oh my God! My first bike! Thank you for the best present I’ve ever gotten. Ross: (stunned at the complement) You’re welcome. Phoebe: (starts to leave, but stops) Oh and Chandler’s about to cry. Chandler: (about to cry) Am not! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the middle of the night, there is someone knocking on the door and Monica and Chandler get up to answer it.] Monica: (turning a light on) Who is that?! Chandler: Don’t worry, I’m brave! I am brave! I…I am brave! (They get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.) (Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there please? The Knocker: My name is Gary, I live upstairs. (Monica opens the door.) Gary: Hi! Monica: Hi. Do you know what time it is? Gary: It’s candy time! My roommate says that they taste like little drops of heaven. Monica: Oh please! (To Chandler) Did you hear that? Little drops of heaven. Chandler: (laughs) 4:00 A.M. Gary: So, can I get some candy? Chandler: I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work! (Monica looks at him) (To Monica) He does not know that I am not some of us. Monica: Umm, listen I am sorry, but I’ll put some out first thing in the morning. Gary: Well okay, I’ll swing by later. Do you live in this building? Monica: Um-hmm. Gary: (looking at Monica.) Mm! Seems like I would’ve remembered you! Chandler: Mm! Night Gar’! (Monica closes the door.) [Scene: Rachel’s Office, she’s slinking out to where Tag works and checks to make sure no one is coming.] Rachel: (hugging him) So did you read your evaluation yet? Tag: No! It was marked confidential I just sent it down to Human Resources. Rachel: (worried) Okay please, you’re kidding right?! I wrote that one as a joke for you! Tag: A joke they would appreciate? Rachel: I’m thinkin’ no. Tag: What did you say?! Rachel: Umm, I said I thought you were a good kisser, and uh, and that I like your tiney-tiny touchie. Tag: No, not my touchie. Rachel: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote, "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision," and under Problems with Performance I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not," and then uh, then I drew a little smiley face, and then a small pornographic sketch. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the daisies on her bike outside.] Monica: Ross! That is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike! When I heard the story, I almost cried. Joey: Almost cried huh? Hear that Chandler? Almost cried! Chandler: Hey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic! Joey: (about to cry) Those two only had each other! Ross: Phoebe really likes the bike huh? Monica: Oh yeah! I saw her walkin’ it down the street the other day. She had uh, these flowers in the basket. It was so cute. Joey: Yeah, I saw her this morning walkin’ it by the park. Ross: Wait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times? [Cut to outside, they’re going to talk to Phoebe about walking the bike.] Joey: Hey Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh hi! Chandler: Hey! So are you enjoying the bike? Phoebe: Ohh, uh-huh so much! Ross: Pheebs you uh…you do know how to ride a bike don’t you? Phoebe: Of course! Monica: Umm, can we see you ride it? Phoebe: Okay. (The gang is giggles then Phoebe gets the bike out of the rack, gets on, pushes off, rolls a few feet, and falls over.) See? Commercial Break [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy while Chandler and Rachel are taste testing and Joey is on the couch doodling.] Monica: See, this is why I told you never get involved with your assistant! And here is no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to affairs. (To Chandler) Did you hear that Chandler? No such thing! Chandler: (with his mouth full) What happened? I’m just eating candy. Rachel: Maybe it’s not as bad as I think. Y’know, maybe they didn’t take it the way I meant it. Chandler: Absolutely! Y’know, because touchie can mean both ass and good worker. Rachel: Ugh, I just gotta get the thing back! Joey: Hey Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Joey: That sketch you mentioned? Might it have looked a little something like this? (He shows her what he’s been drawing.) Rachel: Oh my God! Joey! Chandler: What is the matter with you? Rachel: Ugh! Joey: Boy I tell ya, this little talent came in handy before I could afford porn. (There is a knock on the door and Monica answers it. There is a woman standing there.) The Woman: Hi! I’m sorry, I know it’s after hours but I really need candy. Monica: I’m sorry, I can’t help you. See? (Points to her new sign.) Rules are rules. The Woman: Please! I have people coming from out of town today! And, I told them all about your candy! Monica: No kidding, out of towners huh? What did you tell ‘em? The Woman: I told ‘em your candy is absolutely indescribable! Monica: Some people have been saying its y’know little drops of heaven, but whatever. The Woman: Please, can’t you help me out? Joey: (watching the discussion) Hey Chandler, do we know that lady? Chandler: Maybe, isn’t she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud? Monica: (still talking to the woman) All right, I’ll do it just this once! But you can’t tell anybody! The Woman: (exasperatedly) Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me! Joey and Chandler: Yeah, that’s her. The Woman: (after Monica gives her the candy) Thank you. Monica: (closing the door) It’s unbelievable! I-I can’t believe that sign didn’t work! Chandler: Y’know what would work? Monica: Hmm? Chandler: Stop making candy! Monica: But they like it! Chandler: You mean they like you. Monica: Maybe. Chandler: Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you? Monica: Oh, you really want to talk about getting people to like you huh, funny man? (Joey laughs but stops when Chandler turns to glare at him.) [Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Phoebe how to ride her bike.] Ross: Okay, now just remember everything I taught you and you’ll be fine. Okay? Here we go. Ready…Set… Phoebe: (hopping off the bike) Wait! This seat is really uncomfortable! Yeah, maybe before we start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like an airplane seat—or a beanbag chair! ……