Friends 715 The One With Joey’s New Brain

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table.] Monica: I’m glad you’re here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony. Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh… Ross: What’s the matter? You okay? Rachel: Yeah, it’s just y’know… Chandler: (To Ross) Monica said wedding. Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony. Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem. Chandler: Do you think you could get through a poem? Rachel: (crying) It’ll be a short one. Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading. Rachel: Ohhh… Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too. Chandler: Too? Ross: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys. Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is? Ross: Sorry, I’m kinda keeping this one on the Q.T. Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.) Joey: (entering, excited) Hey! All: Hey! Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and… Monica: What is DOOL? Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you’re not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!! All: Oh!! Chandler: That’s great! Joey: And-and-and not only that, I’m gettin’ a new brain!! Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life! Rachel: Wait, what do you mean you’re getting a new brain? Joey: Oh well, they’re killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body. Ross: What? A brain transplant?! Joey: (seriously) Yes, it’s a highly controversial procedure. Ross: It’s ridiculous! Joey: Well, I think it’s ridiculous that you haven’t had sex in three and a half months. Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) It’s winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.) Monica: Who are they killing off? Joey: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart. Rachel and Monica: Noo!! Monica: She’s my favorite character on DOOL. Joey: Nice. Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people’s faces, I mean I don’t think I’ve ever seen her finish a beverage. Monica: And the way she slaps all the time! Rachel: Oh! Monica: Wouldn’t you love to do it just once?! (Raises her hand towards Chandler.) Chandler: Don’t do it. Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress. Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And she’s been on the show forever, it’s gonna be really hard to fill her shoes. Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her? Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remoray’s body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist! Opening Credits [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in Central Perk] Phoebe: (Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay? Rachel: (They both look behind them.) Well, I'd have to say gay. Phoebe: Yeah? Why? Rachel: Well mainly because he's kissing that other guy. Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a table behind them.) Rachel: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight. Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.) Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.) Phoebe: Ohh, he left his cell phone. Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found. Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing. Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age. Phoebe: Yeah… That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. (They both get up.) Rachel: What? Wait! Why…why do you get the story? Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long. Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago. Phoebe: That wasn’t a date! That was, that was just friends getting together…(quietly) having sex. Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone. Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago. Rachel: Yeah! (Breaking up) And until now, I didn’t think I’d love again. Phoebe: Nice try. Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone? Phoebe: I don’t know. (They edge closer to the phone on the table.) Rachel: Well umm, maybe we could uhh… (Grabs the phone) Ah-ha! Too slow!! (She holds the phone out and starts taunting Phoebe. Phoebe calming knocks the phone out of Rachel’s hand and catches it.) Phoebe: Ah-ha! Too cocky! [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is watching Jessica Lockhart perform a scene.] Dina: I’m going to keep dating him Mother, and there’s nothing you can do about it! Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is! Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like you did with Charles?! Jessica Lockhart: (gasps) That was an accident! And so were you. Dina: Well, at least I’m not a murderer! (Jessica slaps her.) Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dina’s head to her other shoulder so that she’s the only one in the picture.) The Director: Cut! (Joey walks up to Cecilia Monroe who plays Jessica.) Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that? Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience. Dina: (crying) Can I get some ice here?! Joey: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are. Cecilia: You’re not the fan who’s dying are you? Joey: Say what? Cecilia: I’m supposed to meet and hug a fan whose dying, but that’s not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later! Joey: No. No, I’m Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-I’m the guy in the coma! Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?! Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since I’m getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me… Cecilia: I-I-I’m leaving the show? Joey: (quickly) I don’t know. Why? Did you hear something? Cecilia: Who told you that? Joey: Oh uh, one of the writers. Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall? Joey: Umm… Cecilia: Y’know what? It doesn’t matter! Because it is not true! Joey: Okay. Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that I’ve been playing for 20 years—I’ll give you a tip! (She throws her drink in his face.) Joey: Ms. Monroe… (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still arguing over the phone.] Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; that’s not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why don’t we, why don’t we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone. Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone. Rachel: I don’t think so. Phoebe: (handing Rachel the phone) Fine all right, but I’d bet you’d be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet. Rachel: (checking the speed dial) All right, first name on the speed dial is mom. Phoebe: Ohh, I lost my mom to suicide. Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin. Phoebe: Did I use that already today? I’m sorry. Rachel: Yes okay. (Checking the speed dial again.) Well now see this isn’t telling us anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hat’s a steak house! Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, that’s one for you. Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! He’s got Barney’s on his speed dial. Phoebe: So you don’t know that’s Barney’s the store! That can be y’know his friend’s house, or a bar. Who has Barney’s the store on their speed dial? Rachel: (showing Phoebe her phone) His new girlfriend! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch, when they start to hear a horrible screeching noise. It sounds like someone is skinning a cat.] Monica: What is that? Chandler: I think it’s the dying cat parade. Monica: It sounds like it’s coming from across the street. Chandler: (turning around and looking) Oh my God! Monica: What? Chandler: Y’know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You’re half Scottish right?" Monica: Nooo!! Chandler: Yes!! [Cut to Ross’s apartment, he his playing the Bagpipes, badly. He’s worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.] Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier. They both get up and move to the window.] Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! (She looks through the window and sees Ross practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.) Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?! Chandler: Why is your family Ross?! Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! It’s not even a song! Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang. [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is putting out some Sunflower seeds as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi Pheebs! Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: How are ya? Phoebe: Good. Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guy’s cell phone? Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up? Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?! Phoebe: Ooh, now you lost me. Rachel: You stole the phone! Phoebe: No I didn’t! Rachel: No? So you’re saying that if I called it, it wouldn’t ring? Phoebe: No. Rachel: Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebe’s bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebe’s handbag.) Rachel: Phoebe! Phoebe: That is a different phone. Rachel: Oh is it?! (She answers the cute guy’s phone.) Uhh, hello? (On her phone) Yes hi, is Rachel there? (On the other phone) Yes she is, just one moment please. (To Phoebe, holding out both phones.) It’s for me! Phoebe: That is damning evidence. (The cute guy’s phone rings.) Rachel: Oh my God! I bet that’s him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh (In a sexy voice) Hello? Or should I be (Happily) Hi! It’s Rach… (Phoebe knocks the phone out of Rachel’s hand, catches it, and answers it.) Would you stop doing that?! Phoebe: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yes, I’m the one who found your phone. Rachel: Phoebe! You can’t do th… Phoebe: (To Rachel) Shhh! I’m on a call! (On phone) Umm well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. It’s umm, it’s umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe y’know after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. (Listens) Okay, well okay I’ll see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.) Rachel: You do know that I will be here when he comes over. Phoebe: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over? Rachel: You just said it! Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping that I would just…be alone y’know to think about my mom and her suicide. Rachel: Oh Phoebe! Phoebe: What?! That’s the first time today! ……