Friends 815 The One With The Birthing Video

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and sit down.] Phoebe: Oh! Hey, Rach! Rachel: Hi! Hey, Happy Valentine’s Day! Phoebe: Oh, you, too. Joey: Hey, so, uh, how’s it going living over at Ross’? Rachel: It’s good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. I’ll see you guys later. Phoebe: Okay. Joey: Bye. (Rachel exits with coffee) Joey: There’s one lucky to-go cup of coffee. Phoebe: (sighs) Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top? Joey: Thanks. But maybe later. Phoebe: Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone? Gunther: (to Joey) You want anything? Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I love on Valentine’s Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that’s never going to happen! Gunther: We have red bagels. Joey: Oh, okay. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room talking.] Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together? Ross: Oh, I’m actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she’s been away all week visiting her parents, but she’ll be cool. I mean, she’s been so supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, ‘Fossils are my friends.’ Phoebe: Ugh. Come on, Mona, don’t kiss ass. Ross: Uh, I’m going to take off. Phoebe: All right. Oh! Shoot! Oh shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape! Ross: What is it? Phoebe: It’s a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment? Ross: All right. (reading the label) ‘Candy and Cookie?’ Phoebe: Yeah. Candy’s the mother, Cookie’s the daughter. The father’s also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people? Monica: (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, c’mere. I want to show you something in the bathroom. Phoebe: Oh, Monica, grow up! Ross: Hey, what’s behind your back? Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe’s opinion on for Valentine’s Day. Ross: You don’t want my opinion? Monica: Not really. Ross: Come on, I’m your older brother, ask me! Monica: All right, big brother. (holds up two erm…revealing articles of clothing) Which of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter, so your best friend would want to do her? Ross: (quietly) The red one. [Scene: Joey and…wait…just Joey’s. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.] Phoebe: (knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I know you’ve been really depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate. Joey: No, I’m not sleeping with your friend Jane again. (Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!) Phoebe: He-hee! Joey: Hey! A dog! Hi! Who, you got to admit, looks a lot like Jane. Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up! Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we are! (the dog sticks his head between Joey’s legs) Oh! Not that kind of fun. [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses.] Chandler: Happy Valentine’s! Monica: (from her bedroom) Okay! I’ll be right out. I’m slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty. Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) ‘Candy and Cookie’. ‘Candy and Cookie?’ Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn") (A woman on TV breaths hard) Man on TV: Yeah, just relax. Chandler: I love you, St. Valentine. (The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandler’s eyes get huge!) Chandler: Woah, woah, that’s not pretty! Man on TV: Now, push! Woman on TV: Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts! Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.) Woman on TV: Ohhh! Make it stop! Chandler: I am trying! [Scene: Joey’s. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.] Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesn’t, and the dog goes running off.) Well, you’re cute, but you’re not too smart! (The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.) Joey: (looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw this? Rachel: (entering) Hi. Joey: Hi. Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this? Joey: Oh, that’s, uh, that’s Phoebe’s friend’s dog. I don’t know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella. Rachel: (talking with a higher voice, and puckered lips…kind of like you do to a baby or...well…a puppy…it’s hard to explain. Just use your imagination!) Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I’ve got to go to work! I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do. (still talking like that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously can’t stop it. (exits) Joey: (to the dog) C’mere. Hey. C’mere. That’s Rachel. She’s the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with you—we love her. But we can’t have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? You’re a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be. [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.] Monica: (entering from her bedroom) So what do you think? (referring to her outfit) (Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge) Monica: (to herself) I’ve still got it! Chandler: (pointing at the video) Why did you get me this? Monica: What is it? Chandler: It’s yelling…bleeding…dilating. Oh, the dilating… Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe’s. Why were you even watching it? Chandler: I thought…maybe…you got me porn for Valentine’s Day. Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentine’s Day… (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, it’s about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those aren’t stars. Anyway, you want to take a look? Chandler: Well, I’m not really in a sexy mood right now. Monica: Honey, what’s going on? Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws? Monica: Mm-hmm. Chandler: How long it took to go back in the water? Monica: Chandler, we can’t let this tape wreck Valentine’s Day! Chandler: You don’t know. You didn’t see it. Monica: Child-birth, it’s a natural thing! It’s beautiful. Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like he’s going to throw up!) Monica: Oh! Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me! Chandler: See, honey, there’s—(puts his hand on her leg) Monica: Don’t touch me! [Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine as Mona enters.] Mona: Hi! Ross: Hey! (they hug) So, how was Atlantic City? Mona: Good. Ross: Yeah? Mona: I brought you back a present. Ross: Wha—? Oh, come on. You didn’t have to—saltwater taffy?! (Mona laughs) Thanks! This is interesting. You know, most people think this is made with sea water, but it’s actually made with, uh, salted fresh water. That’s not interesting. Mona: I think it’s interesting. Ross: I do too! I missed you! Mona: I missed you, too! So, how was your week? Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking! Mona: How exciting! Ross: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh… the only sad thing is I wasn’t around when it happened for the first time. Mona: Oh no. Ross: Yeah, I’m missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey suggested Rachel move in with me. Mona: (laughing) Yeah right! Ross: What? Mona: Joey cracks me up! It’s like, ‘Yeah, why don’t you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn’t be awkward at all!’ (she laughs again) Ross: (not amused) Huh…uh-huh. Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona laughs…yes…again!) (Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and he’s starting to panic, so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy he’s eating in his mouth) Mona: So, what’d you tell him? Ross: (with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns his head and starts to break down) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you? Ross: I don’t know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! Um, plus, she, uh, she got me taffy! Phoebe: Taffy, really? I’ve never had any. Ross: Ever?! Phoebe: Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats. (Ross hands her one) Thank you! So what, you’re just never going to tell her? Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, I’m going to take her to an amazing Valentine’s dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I’m the best boyfriend in the world, then I’m going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me. Phoebe: If I haven’t said it before: she’s a lucky, lucky lady! So, where are you going to—what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to the taffy, which she’s been chewing this whole time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food? What’s the deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, it’s nice! May I try a pink one? [Scene: Joey’s. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying on the footrest.] Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isn’t going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat. Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Hey, buddy. How’s my favorite dog, huh? How’s my favorite dog? (the dog doesn’t move) You’re subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer? Joey: No. Phoebe: Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment. Joey: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. (pause) Oh, me, right! (Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen) Phoebe: He’s miserable! What happened to him? Joey: Nothing. We just talked about stuff. Phoebe: What stuff? Joey: Rachel stuff. Phoebe: Oh…Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him! Joey: He’s breathing! Phoebe: Okay, I’m going to take him back to Wendy’s. Joey: No, no, no, no! He’s fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball) Here’s your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog! [Scene: Ross and…Rachel’s…I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters.] Ross: Well, I’m, uh, going to pick up Mona. What have you got going tonight? ……