Friends 819 The One With Joey’s Interview

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone except Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a magazine.] Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Rachel: So, I’m in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down. (She hands the magazine to Joey.) Joey: (reading) Three down, Days Of Our Lives star blank Tribbiani. That’s me!! I’m blank!! Monica: How cool is this?! We know three down! I’m touching three down! (She has her hand on his shoulder.) Joey: Yeah you are baby. Monica: Three down knows I’m married, what’s three down doin’? Rachel: So did they call you to tell you your name’s gonna be in this? Joey: No. They really like me over there. They want to do a big profile on me, but I said no. Ross: Why’d you say no? Joey: Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft. So who knows what I might say this time. Chandler: If only there was something in your head to control the things you say. (Joey nods his agreement.) Rachel: Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus y’know the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And if you do the interview you can mention, oh I don’t know, gal pal Rachel Green? Chandler: Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R? Rachel: Okay, don’t listen to him. Please? Joey: Fine! All right, I’ll do it. But hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I y’know, start to say something stupid. Ross: Just then or-or all the time, ‘cause we-we have jobs y’know. Rachel: Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! I’m gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you. Joey: Yeah. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there for his interview and everyone but Phoebe are hiding on the couch.] The Interviewer: I really appreciate you taking the time to do this. Joey: Oh, not at all. Happy to do it. [Cut to the rest of the gang sitting low on the couch and craning their necks to watch the interview.] Monica: (To Chandler) You think we’re being obvious? Chandler: No, we’re just four people with neck problems. You talk like this. (Out of the sides of their mouths.) [Cut to the interview.] The Interviewer: (To Joey) Y’know I think its great you wanted to meet here. Y’know when most people hear the magazine is paying for it they want to go to a big fancy restaurant. Joey: (laughs) Actually, I didn’t know the magazine was paying for it. Wouldn’t have mattered, I’m doing this for the fans, not for the free food. Gunther: Can I get you anything? The Interviewer: Umm, I’ll have a cup of coffee. Joey: And I’ll have all the muffins. [Cut to the gang.] Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Ross: Shhh! We’re not talking. Phoebe: Oh. Finally! Oh. (Sits back in relief.) [Cut to the interview.] The Interviewer: So, according to your bio, you’ve done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives. Anything you’re particularly proud of? [This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is from Episode 106: The One With The Butt, Joey is in a play called Freud!.] Joey: (He goes into a song and dance number) All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang... [The next one is from Episode 304: The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel, Joey is on Amazing Discoveries.] Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open. Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way! Mike: And there is Kevin. [Cut forward.] Mike: This is the first time he’s ever used this product, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (To Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton. Joey: (finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (Starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday. (The crowd ahhs.) [The next one is from Episode 322: The One With The Screamer, it’s the end of Joey’s play.] Lauren: So this is it? Victor? Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship, (Smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. But I won’t have aged at all. (Gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne… baby…I’m gonna want to meet her. (The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7.) [The next one is from Episode 204: The One With Phoebe’s Husband, when everyone including Julie is watching Joey in his porno.] Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do…so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for the paper tray. Chandler: Nice work my friend. Joey: Thank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am… [Cut to the interview.] Joey: Well, there are so many things, it’s hard to pick just one. [Cut to the gang.] Phoebe: I’m gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything? Rachel: Oh yeah, I’d actually love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea. Ross: Uh, double latte, extra foam. Chandler: And a bagel with only… Phoebe: (interrupting him) I was just being polite! [Cut to the interview.] The Interviewer: Okay, how about when you’re not working. What do you do in your spare time? [This starts another series of flashbacks about Joey’s hobbies. The first one is from Episode 703: The One With Phoebe’s Cookies, Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.] Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names their boat Coast Guard anyway? Rachel: That is the Coast Guard. Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. (Points to the coast.) [The next one is from Episode 603: The One With Ross’s Denial, Joey is amazing Phoebe and Monica by holding his breath.] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes! (We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he’s now forced to actually hold his breath.) Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo—you trying to kill me?! [The next one is from Episode 507: The One Where Ross Moves In.] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.] Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much? Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun! Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat? Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea! (Chandler does so.) [The next one is from Episode 417: The One With The Free Porn, Chandler and Joey are lamenting the fact that every beautiful woman they see doesn’t want to have sex right then and there like in porn.] Chandler: Y’know what, we have to turn off the porn. Joey: I think you’re right. (Goes over and picks up the remote.) Chandler: All right, ready? Joey: One. Chandler: Two. Both: Three. (Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.) Joey: That’s kinda nice. Chandler: Yeah, that’s kinda a relief. Joey: Yeah. (Pause.) Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it? Joey: Yeah. (Chandler turns on the TV and…) Chandler: FREE PORN!!! Joey: Yeah!! Chandler: We have free porn here!!! [Cut to the interview.] Joey: In my spare time I uh, read to the blind. And I’m also a mento for the kids.(The gang shake their heads.) Y’know a mento, a role model. (Chandler bites his fist to keep from talking.) The Interviewer: A mento… Joey: Right. The Interviewer: Like the candy? Joey: Matter of fact, I do. (Chandler tries to jump over the couch but everyone stops him.) The Interviewer: Well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how our soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime? Joey: Uh, we stars just try to eat right and get lots of exercise. [Another set of flashbacks begin with Episode 521: The One With The Ball, Joey and Ross are throwing a ball around.] Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour? Ross: Are you serious?! Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it. Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Joey: Yeah! Ross: Hey! We totally forgot about lunch! Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose! [The next one is from Episode 604: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance.] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.] Chandler: What’s wrong with you? Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious. Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you—Go to the doctor! Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.) Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s! [The next one is from Episode 609: The One Where Ross Got High, Rachel is describing her desert to Joey and Ross.] Rachel: It’s a trifle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch. [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sautéed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something’s wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top! [Time lapse, Ross and Joey are eating Rachel’s disaster.] Ross: It tastes like feet! Joey: I like it. Ross: Are you kidding? Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goooooood. [The next one is from Episode 619: The One With Joey’s Fridge.] [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from the fridge. Joey isn’t doing all that well.] Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar? Chandler: That’s still in there?! Joey: Not anymore. [The next one is from Episode 711: The One With All the Cheesecakes.] ……