Friends 906 The One With The Male Nanny

Scene: Chandler's hotel room in Tulsa. He's fast asleep when the telephone rings. Chandler: (picking up the telephone, answering it with a frog in his throat) Hello? (he clears his throat, but he still has the same frog in his throat when he speaks again) Hello? Monica: (in her apartment, screaming) I LOVE MY NEW JOB! Chandler: Honey, you're screaming. Monica: YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! I just had the best first day ever! The kitchen: twice as big as Allessandro's. Chandler: (yawning) Oh, that's great. Monica: Yeah, a-a-and clean. Not just health department clean... Monica clean. Chandler: (clearly not so interested) Awesome. Monica: Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Geoffrey, he's the Maitre D., Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt, the funniest guy I have ever met. (Chandler, who was almost asleep again, sits up straight in bed in an instant and can't believe what he just heard.) OPENING CREDITS Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the couch, holding hands, while Phoebe puts milk in her coffee. Mike: This is nice. Phoebe: I know! (Phoebe picks up a little packet of sugar, shakes it, and then realizes she can't open it with one hand, but doesn't want to let go of Mike's hand. She tries to tear open the packet with one hand.) Mike: You need both hands for that? Phoebe: Yeah, I kinda do. (Mike lets go of her hand) Well, how's this? (she takes Mike's hand and puts it on her breast, she tears open the sugar and puts it in her coffee. Mike thinks it over and nods appreciative. After that, they hold hands again. Joey now enters, and sees the two sitting on the couch, holding hands.) Joey: (in a very aaaaahhhhh sweeeeeet voice) Aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious? (Phoebe and Mike, embarrassed, start babbling and look away.) Have you not talked about it yet? (They say nothing now, but smile) Am I making you uncomfortable? (smiles are becoming forced now, and he speaks to Mike) If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh...? Aaaaaahhhhhh (he turns away to the bar) Phoebe: I'm sorry... I'm sorry. It's obviously way too early for us to be... having that conversation. Mike: Is it? Phoebe: (in a flash she answers) Maybe not, is it? Mike: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... (He tries to get something from his pocket, but it's not that easy... Phoebe looks in a "what's happening" face to him. He finally has found something) No, not... that's gum. (He digs in a little more.) Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that happens, you know... Think no note's there... Phoebe: (impatient) I know Mike, why don't you keep digging? Mike: Oh, sorry. (He digs in again and finally finds what he's been looking for. A key.) Phoebe: Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five dollars. Mike: It's to my apartment. Phoebe: (really surprised) Oh wow, ooh! Ooh, big step for Phoebe and Mike. Mike: Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your key just because... Phoebe: Oh no, I want to. Mike: Oh, thank God. (he laughs nervously, and Phoebe gets her keychain from her bag.) Phoebe: Yeah... ooh... wow... Even started to think I'd never meet someone that, you know, I wanted to... do this with. Here you go. (Both Phoebe and Mike look really proud.) Mike: Is this cool, huh? Phoebe: It really is. Joey: (sitting at his table) Oh, I know it... It is amazing these little things open doors... huh! (mimes opening a door with his own keys, Phoebe looks at him in a "yeah, yeah, yeah" way.) Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Both of them sitting on the couch, interviewing a nanny candidate. Rachel: So I don't go back to work for another four weeks, but we would like our nanny to start right away, so that Emma could get a chance to know her. Nanny Candidate: (in a sweet, caring voice) I think that's really smart. The easier we can make the transition for her, the better. (Ross and Rachel seem pleased with the answer.) Rachel: That's great, great. So do you have any questions for us? Nanny Candidate: Not really. Rachel: All right. Well thank you so much for coming... (they're standing up and make their way to the door) Ross: Thank you. Rachel: Really nice to meet you... and we'll call you. Nanny Candidate: Oh, you know, wait. I do have one question. (she starts playing with her hair) Do you guys do random drug testing? Ross: Boy, we uhm... hadn't really thought of that. Nanny Candidate: That's cool. But... but if you do, I'm gonna need three days notice. Rachel: Okidoki! (and she slams the door in the nanny's face while Ross crumples up the application form) Wow! We're never gonna find a nanny. Ross: Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We have more interviews (They sit down and Rachel sighs) And worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the uhm... the first one we met with. Rachel: (indignant) What, the blonde with no bra? Ross: She was blonde? (he looks surprised for a while, but then gets a "gotcha" expression on his face... There's knocking at the door.) Just a sec.! Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a degree in early childhood education, uhm... she worked for her last family for three years. Rachel: Okay... (Ross opens the door.) Sandy: (a guy) Hi... I'm Sandy. Ross: And she's a little mannish... Scene: Phoebe's apartment. There's a knock on the door, and Phoebe opens it. Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! David! David: Hi! I-i-is this a bad time? Phoebe: (excited) No! It's a great time, come in...! WOW, hi... Oh my gosh! What are you doing here? Are you back from Minsk? David: Well, just for a couple of days, uhm... I'm here to explain to the people who gave us our grant, why it's a positive thing that we spent all their money and uhm... accomplished uhm... nothing. Phoebe: Who cares, it got you here. David: Well, it got me to New York anyway, and then I got on a cab at the airport, and the guy said where to? and I just... gave him your address I... I... I didn't even think about it. Phoebe: Wow. Where is your luggage? (David thinks for a while) David: Damn it! Phoebe: A-All right, well... I'll call the cab company. David: Wa... wa... wait! We can... call them later. Can you just... just stand there f-f-for a moment? Boy! There's an old Russian expression, uhm... it goes: Schto ya ztez vigul... ui! Roughly translated that means uhm... This thing that I'm looking at: wow! Phoebe: Thank you! God, no! You should see me when... Oh actually, no, I look pretty good. David: Are... are you kidding? You know, when you don't see someone for a long time, a-a-and you kind of build them up in your head and you start thinking about: Come on, don't be crazy. Nobody is that beautiful, but... well, you are. (Phoebe seems very charmed) Well, so, uhm... are you seeing... anyone? (Phoebe is still up on a cloud from what David just said) Phoebe: No... Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica sits on the couch and Phoebe is pacing up and down the room. Phoebe: I'm... I'm just... I'm the worst person ever. How can I not tell David that I'm seeing Mike? Monica: Maybe he didn't give you a chance. Phoebe: He said: Are you seeing someone? And I said no... Monica: Oh, well... That had been your window. Phoebe: Yeah! I mean, I don't know. I was just , I was looking, I was looking in his eyes and I was just thinking: Oh my God! It's David. David's here. He's just, he's so irresistible. Monica: Really? The scientist guy? Phoebe: Really? Chandler? Monica: Continue... Phoebe: Oh.Okay, then it gets worse, 'cause then I told him that I would see him tomorrow night. Monica: Phoebe! Phoebe: I know! (points at herself) Evil! And... and... and... I like Mike so much, you know. It's just going really well. Oh my God! Monica: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys? Phoebe: (sarcastically) Uhuh... Yeah...!, you know. And given my life long search for irony, you can imagine how happy I am. Monica: What are you gonna do? Phoebe: I mean I guess, I just have to... tell David that nothing can happen between us. Unless I don't... You know, complicated moral situation, no right, no wrong... Monica: You have to tell David! Phoebe: Okay, I knew I should have had this conversation with Joey. Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler comes home. Chandler: (angry) Funniest guy she's ever met! (to the door) I'm funny, right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock jokes... (laughs about himself, but then gets determined again) Save it for inside! (he enters) Monica: Heeeeeey! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. (Monica looks at Phoebe, who also doesn't know what to say.) And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch. Monica: (Doesn't believe what she's hearing) Was your cabin pressurised? Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk. Phoebe: Okay. (and she walks away) Chandler: What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? (Monica laughs) See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right? Monica: No, it just remind me of something this guy did today at work. I told you about that funny guy, Geoffrey, right? Chandler: Yeah, he came up... Monica: Well, he did this bit... You probably had to be there, but it was Liza Minelli locked in our freezer, eating a raw chicken. (Phoebe bursts out in a laugh) Chandler: (to Phoebe) Were you there? Phoebe: No, but it sounds like it was fricken funny... Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. They're interviewing Sandy. Sandy: I really do understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with another person. I mean, it's leaving behind a piece of your heart... (Ross has got that bored/angry/skeptic look and Rachel is very emotional) Rachel: Sandy, that's exactly what it is... Ross: Are you gay? (Rachel turns to Ross in an embarrassed way) Rachel: Ross! Sandy: It's okay. I get that a lot doing what I do. But I am straight. I-I'm engaged actually. Rachel: Oh! Sandy: Her name is Deliah. Rachel: Oh, that's pretty. Ross: (skeptic) So you're just like a... guy who's a nanny? Sandy: I realise how it's... a bit unorthodox for some people, but I really believe, the most satisfying thing you can do with your life, is take care of a child. Ross: (on a yeah, right tone) Okay. Sandy: Like in my last job, I met Daniel when he was three weeks old. And I got to watch him grow into this awesome person... When I left, I said: I'll see you soon... And he said to me: Skdandy... (Ross and Rachel look puzzled) That was his name for me... I'll see you every day... right in... (points at his heart, but starts to cry before he can finish his sentence. Rachel tries to comfort him, but Ross has this "you've got to be kidding me" look all over him) Ross: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap. (In the other room Emma starts to cry.) Rachel: Oh God, she mu... she must need her diaper changed. Sandy: Oh, oh, I can do it for her, if you want... Rachel: Oh, that would be great! (Sandy leaves for Emma's room) I love him, I love him, I love him... Ross: Oh, come on, Rach, he's a guy! Rachel: So wh..? He's smart, he's qualified. Give me one good reason we shouldn't try him out. Ross: Because, it's weird! Rachel: Why? Ross: What kind of job is that for a man? A nanny? I-It's like if a woman wanted to be... ……