Friends 912 The One With Phoebe's Rats

Scene: Coffee place, Joey is there, Chandler is entering Chandler: Hey Joey: Hey. So where's Mon? Chandler: Oh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight. Joey: And you're not helping? Chandler: I tried, but apparently singing "I will survive" in a helium voice - not helping. (Ross and Rachel enter with Emma in Rachel's hands) Ross: Hey you guys! Joey and Chandler:(start to sing) Hey! Happy birthday ... Rachel: Shhh don't say that loud, Gunther's gonna want to hug me. Ross: Uh, good news everyone, we finally found a nanny. This is Molly (points to Molly). Molly, Chandler, Joey. Joey and Chandler: Hi. Molly: Hi. (Emma starts to cry) Ross: Ooh, somebody's getting a little fussy. Joey: You damn right I am, I've been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes. Rachel: Ok, you know what, I'm just gonna take her outside. Molly: No, you stay, I'll do it (takes Emma from Rachel). Rachel: OK, thank you. Molly: Nice to meet you guys (to Chandler and Joey). Joey: Yeah, you too. (Molly leaves) Rachel: Oh, wow, Molly is just great! Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Yes, Bravo on the hot nanny. Rachel: What? You really think she's hot? Chandler: Are you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now. Rachel: And Joey? Joey: How do you think she's doing? Rachel: Am I the only one who doesn't think that she's hot? Ross? Ross: Eh, I mean, I mena she's not unattractive but hot? I .... Rachel: Thank you! (goes to get coffee) Chandler: Now that Rachel's gone? Rachel: So hot I cried myself to sleep last night. (Joey and Chandler clap their hands) OPENING CREDITS Scene: Mike and Phoebe in Phoebe's place, Phoebe is doing a crossword puzzle Phoebe: Hey Mike, what's the capital of Peru? Mike: Lima. Phoebe: No. It starts with a "v" and ends with an "x". Helpfully with a "to" in the middle. Mike: You know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh god! Oh! Phoebe: What? Mike: OK, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your cupboard. Phoebe:(relived) Oh, whew, no, that's Bob. Mike: What, is he your pet rat? Phoebe: Well not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies. Mike: You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus. Phoebe: What are those? Mike: I don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments. You have to get rid of it! Phoebe: OK, fine, if it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob. Mike: Thank you. Phoebe: So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth) Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel comes in and Gavin is there Rachel: Hello. Gavin: Hello Rachel: Gavin, I just wanted to say thank you again for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you an apology. Gavin: For what? Rachel: Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious ... Gavin: Is this your first apology? Rachel: No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged you. (Heather walks in) Heather: Good morning! Rachel: Hello. (to Gavin) But you know what, hey, new day, new leaf, I am just really really happy ... (sees Gavin staring at Heather) I'm sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait 'till it's finished. Gavin: What? Rachel: I was giving you an apology and you were totally checking her out! Gavin: I wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area. Rachel: Oh wow, you are really, you're really a creep. Gavin: Why do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous? Rachel: Oh yeah, I'm jealous. "Oh Gavin, please, please look at my ass". (Gavin starts looking) Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work environment, she's your subordinate. Gavin: I thought it was ok when you slept with your old assistant Tag. Rachel: That is totally different for two reasons. One - I didn't know that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had a deap meaningful relationship. Gavin: Huh. What's Tag's last name? Rachel: It was ... (can't remember) oh my god. He didn't have a last name. It was just "Tag". You know, like Cher, or, you know, Moses. Gavin: But it was a deap meaningful relationship. Rachel: Oh, you know what - my first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant, you are pompous ... Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name was Morgan! Huh! Gavin: It was Jones. Rachel: Yeah well what are you, his boyfriend? Scene: Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking to Joey Joey: Man, I wish I had a nanny like you. Molly: You mean, when you were a baby. Joey: Sure. (Chandler is staring at Molly) Monica: Would you stop staring at her? Chandler: I wasn't staring. I was leering. Monica: What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way. Ross: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it. Chandler: Looks like Joey is doing allright with her. Monica: Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once. Molly:(to Ross) I'm gonna take her back to the apartment. Ross: Ok, I'll be home right after work. Ok, by Emma-Wemma-Demma, I love you - wovyou dovyou ... Molly: Bye Monica: They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk - it's not so good. Molly: I think it's sweet. (goes to leave) Ross, Joey and Chandler: Bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma. Rachel:(to Joey) Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I really prefer if you didn't go after her. Joey: Why not? Rachel: Because it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away. Joey: So, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? (thinks about it) Yeah, sounds about right. Ross: Come on, there are plenty of other women out thereok? Just - just forget about her, ok? Just, she's off limits. Joey: Oh, man, why did have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes me want her even more! Ross: What are you, a child? Joey: Yes! Ross: Joey, come on now, for me! Please, just-just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else. Joey: Fine. (looks around, then focuses on Monica) Monica:(to Chandler) Take me home! (they quickly leave) Scene: Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike are there Phoebe: Hey Mikey Mike: Hey P Phoebe: What are you doing? Mike: Setting rat traps. Phoebe: To kill Bob?? Mike: No, no, to test his neck strength. Phoebe: No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possum and a wisecracking owl. Mike: Ok, ok, I'll throw away the traps. Phoebe: I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? (starts looking) Bob! Robert! (looks at cabinet under sink) Oh wait, I think I hear him. Oh - Oh my god! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom! Mike: Better think of a new name for him. Phoebe: I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl. Mike: I don't know, I mean I'm not sure (they hear cracking voice from somewhere else in the kitchen, probably a rat caught in a trap) ... Phoebe: Oh my god, we killed Bob! Mike: Maybe it wasn't Bob, maybe it was a mouse. Phoebe: Suzie? (Runs over there to check) Scene: Mon and Chan's, Ross enters Ross:(funny voice) Whazzup??? Chandler: Seriously dude, 3 years ago. Ross: Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey, make sure nothing happens between him and Molly? Chandler: You don't trust him? Ross: Wh - No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the "hot nanny". Chandler: Is this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now. Ross: You do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on man, I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now can you please just do this for me? Chandler: All right, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it. Ross: Well we gotta do something, ok? Nannies like her don't grow on trees. (pause) Chandler: Picturing that tree? Ross: I am, yes. Scene: Hallway, Joey get out of his apartment and Chandler jumps out of his Chandler: Where you going, Joe? (Joey falls on floor and gets up) Joey: For a walk. Chandler: Oh. You mind if I join you? Joey: Actually, that will be long. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts. Chandler: Your thoughts? Plural? Joey: All right, fine, I only have one thought! It's about the hot nanny, I gotta see her! Chandler: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe. Joey: Now YOU'RE telling me I can't see her?? You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like ... like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy ... Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there? Chandler: Yes, as a matter of fact he did, so I can't let you go. Joey: Huh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of. Chandler: Great novels? Joey: Fine ... mediocre porn Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel and Gavin there, phone rings, Gavin picks it up Gavin: Gavin Mitchelle's office. Rachel: Rachel Green's office!! Give me that phone! (takes the phone) Hello, this is Rachel Green, how can I help you? Uh huh ... ok then ... I'll pass you back to your son (gives phone to Gavin) Gavin: Hey Mom! No, that's just my secretary. (Rachel is upset) Rachel: Um, excuse me Gavin, I have a question I need to ask you. Gavin: Mom, I'll call you later. Yeah. (hangs up)(to Rachel) Yes? Rachel: If you like looking at butts so much why don't you just go look at a mirror? Gavin: Thank god you finally said that, I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago. (Rachel throws away that paper) Man, I really bug you, don't I? Rachel: Oh, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to you, you "momma's boy", starting right now. (door knock, Monica enters) Monica: Hey Rach! Rachel: Hi! Monica: Ready for your birthday lunch? Rachel: Yeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleague and more importantly my wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle. Gavin: Pleased to meet you. Monica: Pleased to meet you. So you're coming to Rachel's party tonight? Rachel: Oh no no no no no, Gavin can't, he already has plans, most likely with his mother. Gavin: Well I don't mind, I'll cancel. I would never miss my secretary's birthday. (leaves) Rachel: Why did you invite him?? I can't stand that guy! Monica: You were just being so nice to him! Rachel: I was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake? (A man walks by) Rachel: Hey, Mr Philips, nice suit! Monica: Right there! That was so fake! Rachel: Shh! Scene: Rachel's birthday party Rachel:(to Monica) I still can't believe you invited Gavin. Allright, he is the last person I want to see. Monica: Oh, you're welcome for the party. I'm glad you're having a good time. Rachel: God, I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he's not gonna show up, the guy hates me. Monica: Does he? Rachel: What? Monica: Maybe he's bothering you so much because he likes you. It's like in first grade when Skippy Langwild always pushed me on the playground because he secretly had a crush on me? ……