Friends 917 The One With The Memorial Service

[Scene: Ross' apartment , Chandler and Joey enter] Chandler: Hey! Ready to go? Ross: Oh yeah, let me just finish this. Joey: Hey Ross, check this out! (he tries to spin a basketball on his fingertip but he throws it against a table) yeah, I can't do that! Chandler: What are you doin'? Ross: Have you seen this? It's a new alumni website for college! It's cool! You can post messages for people, let everyone know what you're up to. Chandler: Great, a faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless . Ross: It's actually kinda interesting to find out what people are doing... remember Andrea Rich? Chandler: The tall girl who wouldn't sleep with you? Ross: Uh uh... well, her Internet Company went under and she lost an ear in a boating accident... Chandler: Bet she'd sleep with you now... Ross: No... I already e-mailed her. Chandler: Let me see what you wrote about yourself: "Doctor Paleontology, two kids... " (pause) You split with Carol because you have different interests?... I think you split with Carol because you've one very similar interest! Ross: You know what? I'm gonna finish this later, ok? Let me just grab my coat. Joey: Hey! (he throws the basketball against a table again) Ross: (he picks up the ball) What do you think you learned how to do in the last two minutes?? (he enters another room) Chandler: Maybe we finish this for him! (he sits down on the sofa and he start typing on Ross' computer) "Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She's now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says. It's the best sex I've ever had"... aaand SEND! Joey: (he stops Chandler from posting the message) No, no, no... what do... you can't do that to him! Ross: (he comes back) Alright, let's go! Joey: Dude! (he opens his arms to receive the ball from Ross' hands) Ross: I think you made it clear you cannot be trusted with the ball inside the house! Joey: (after Ross leaves the room) aaand SEND! (he hits the send button) Opening credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment] Rachel: Hey! How was basketball? Joey: Oh, it was a lot of fun right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye! Rachel: Oh, no! Who did that? Joey: Chandler... hey... (he goes towards his room but he stops near Emma's cot) Rach... what's Hugsy doin' in the crib with Emma? (he looks puzzled) Rachel: She was just crawling around and she found him, so I just let her sleep with him. That's all right? Isn't it? Joey: (still very puzzled) Oh, yeah... of course... yeah... it's a stuffed animal... you know... it's for kids... not for adults... I know that! Rachel: Joey... are you sure? I mean, I know how much you love him! Joey: Rachel... let's be clear on this, ok? I do not love Hugsy. I like him a normal amount... Rachel: All right... Oh, Emma loves him! Joey: Why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful person! [Scene: Central Perk] Phoebe: Hi. Monica: Hey Phoebe... how you doin'? You feelin' better? Phoebe: Breaking up sucks! Oh, I really miss Mike! Chandler: Oh, I'm so sorry! Phoebe: Oh God, I tried everything to make myself feel better. I even tried writing a song about it... but... I can't think of anything that rhymes with AARRGGHH!! (pause) Hey Monica, I really need your help getting through this... Chandler: You're not gonna need my help? Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you. Chandler: Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth (he goes towards the counter) Phoebe: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that. Monica: Ok, you got it! Phoebe: (after a pause) Unless... Maybe it's too crazy about this... Alright so... you know, there is no future... but that doesn't mean we still can't have fun. You know what? Forget what I said. Monica: Really? If that's what you want... Phoebe: That was a test and you just failed. Monica: Damn it! Rookie mistake! (Ross enters and he's really angry. He goes towards Chandler who's sitting at the counter) Ross: (yelling at Chandler) I have sex with dinosaurs?? Chandler: I believe I read that somewhere! Ross: That only is not funny, it's physically impossible! Ok? Depending on the species I'd have to have a six foot long... (pause) It's not funny!! Chandler: I respectfully disagree. Ross: I can't believe you put that on my alumni page! Chandler: Who cares? Nobody reads those things Ross: You'd better hope not because I just read what you put on your page today. Chandler: I don't have a page. Ross: Oh oh oh! I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE!! [Scene: Rachel's room. Rachel and Emma are sleeping; Joey sneaks in and approaches the crib] Joey: Look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel... with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around ya. (he picks up Hugsy) It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep. (Emma cries) Rachel: (threatening Joey with a scrunchy): Step away from the crib, I have a weapon! Joey: It's okay, it's okay Rach, it's me. Put down the scrunchy. Rachel: What are you doing? Joey: Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came to make sure she could reach Hugsy. Rachel: Oh, oh thanks. Alright well, now that I'm up I'm going to go to the bathroom. Joey: (placing Hugsy back in the crib) There you go sweetie... (to Emma) This isn't over. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is looking at the screen of his laptop, shaking his head.] Monica: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... (reads from the screen) "gay as the day is long"? Chandler: Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs. Monica: But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true. (Phone rings) Chandler: Would you get that please? People have been calling to congratulate me all day. Monica: (On the phone) Hello? No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife. Yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me too. I guess I should have known. Yeah, I mean, he just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge. Chandler: Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! (Monica hangs up) I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go (starts typing something). Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: Oh, you'll see my friend. [Time lapse, still Chandler and Monica's, but only Chandler is there. Enter Ross] Ross: (visibly upset) I'm dead? Chandler: (faking sympathy) And so young. Ross: Posting that I died? That really isn't funny. Chandler: Well, how you died was funny. Ross: Oh please, hit by a blimp? Chandler: It kills over one americans every year. Ross: Unbelievable, my classmates are gonna think I'm dead, my professors, my... my parents are gonna get phone calls. You're messing with people's feelings here. Chandler: You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should have heard how hurt professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West! Ross: You've really crossed the line here, but that's okay, it's ok 'cause I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software and a stack of gay porn. That's right! Your coming out is about to get real graphic. [Scene: Phoebe's apartment] Phoebe: God, I wish Mike were here. Monica: Okay if Mike were here what would the two of you be doing? (Phoebe gives her a meaningful look) Monica: What are you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon! Phoebe: I gotta call him. Just to talk to him, there's no harm in that. Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. (pause) Give me your phone. Phoebe: Here. Monica: And now your cell. Phoebe: Okay (she takes a huge, clearly obsolete cellphone she keeps in a closet and gives it to Monica) Monica: This is your cellphone? Phoebe: Yes. Monica: This is your current cellphone? Phoebe: Yes, it reminds me of a simpler time. Monica: Phoebe, where's your purse? (They run for Phoebe's purse, Phoebe gets there first and takes the cell. Monica tries to take it away from her) Monica: No, no! Give it to me! Phoebe: You can't have it. Monica: Give it to me! Phoebe: No (tucks it in her pants) Monica: I'll go in there. Phoebe: (disbelievingly) Oh yeah. Monica: Phoebe come here (they fight a little, the phone falls and Monica picks it up) Monica: Haha! Phoebe: Damn you Monica Geller hyphen Bing! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's. Enter Joey] Joey: Hey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he brought home a friend. Rachel: Joey, Emma's right here! You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore. Joey: No, no, it's not a girl, it's... a brand new Hugsy! Rachel: Oh that's so great, now Emma has two Hugsy's. Joey: No, no, Emma has one Hugsy, the new Hugsy, huh? The other Hugsy, I don't know, I guess I'll just take it back. Rachel: Oh you know what? When I was a little girl I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh I loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I would braid her tail... Joey: Make the transfer! (She does so) Rachel: Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it? Joey: Oh, no don't worry about that, I swallowed that years ago. (Emma cries) Rachel: Oh, I don't think she likes the new Hugsy. Joey: But he's the same. Rachel: Yeah, I think she wants the old one back. Joey: But he's the same. Rachel: Joey, come on! Joey: He's the same! (they exchange Hugsy's). Joey: (to the new Hugsy) You're not the same! [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Enter Monica] Monica: Haha! Phoebe: You know, it's a lot less surprising to do that after I've buzzed you into the building. Monica: So Phoebe, why are there men's shoes by the door. Phoebe: Those are my shoes. Monica: Oh, when you get over this breakup we need to go shopping. Phoebe: Monica, I really appreciate you checking in on me, but I'm actually feeling a lot better. Yeah, I just kinda want to be alone right now. (Someone knocks on the door) Monica: Who's that? (goes to open door) Phoebe: I ordered Chinese food. (Monica opens the door and Mike is standing at the doorway) Phoebe: What are the chances? 1 billion Chinese people and they send Mike!? Monica: (To Mike) What are you doing here? Mike: Phoebe called me. Monica: Phoebe! Phoebe: I'm sorry, I broke down... I wanted to see him. Monica: Damnit Phoebe! How did you even call him? Phoebe: There is a speakerphone on the base unit... Monica: Base Unit! Think Monica! Think! Mike: Look, if I wanna see Phoebe and she wants to see... Monica: (to Mike) This doesn't concern you!! Mike: Oh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name! Monica: Look, guys, you can't do this, it's just going to make getting over each other, that much harder. Phoebe: Not if nothing happens. Why can't... why can't we just hang out as friends? Monica: Sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'll join ya. You know, I'm your friend (to Phoebe) and Mike's friend (Mike is sceptical). Phoebe: Sit down. (Phoebe and Mike sit next to each other) Monica: Oh wow wow wow!! Make room for your friend! (sits herself down between them) Mike: (to Phoebe) So how've you been? Monica: I've been pretty good! Mike: (to Phoebe) You look really beautiful. Phoebe: Thanks, you look good too. Monica: Oh no no no no... this is dangerous territory. Keep it clean! Phoebe: So how's the piano playing going? Mike: Actually I've been playing a lot of love songs lately. I've missed you. Phoebe: I've missed you too. (Silence) Monica: You know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up. And then a pigeon ate it! ……