Friends 920 The One With The Soap Opera Party

[Scene: Monica's apartment] Joey: (enters the room) Hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night? Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Well, let me see... I-I believe I'm... yes, falling asleep in front of the TV. Joey: Look, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play. Chandler: I could fall asleep at a play. Phoebe: What is it? Joey: It's a one-woman play called "Why don't you like me: a bitter woman's journey through life". Monica: It sounds interesting! Ross: Yeah, it does sound interesting, I mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours, I don't think it gets bett... (Ross starts snoring, faking to fall asleep) Phoebe: I know, I know, we can drive, we can vote, we can work, what more do these broads want? Joey: You guys are gonna have a great time, I promise! Ross: What? How come that you don't have to go! Joey: I wish I could but I just found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I can't go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want. Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Uh, let's see, who do I hate? Rachel: (gets up from the sofa and moves to the kitchen but Joey blocks her way) Oh, sorry... Oops, sorry. Joey: (lifts Rachel up and moves her behind him so she can walk on) Hey, here you go. Rachel: Ooh... oooh... (pause) (Rachel is all bah-jiggity about Joey) oh, ah... (pause) (to Monica) Can I ask you a question? Monica: Yeah. Rachel: Do you think it's possible for two friends to fool around and... and not have it be a big deal? Monica: No, I don't think it ever works. Why? Rachel: No reason. Monica: No, no, Rachel? Rachel: Yeah Monica: Who do you wanna fool around with? Rachel: (with high pitched voice) Nobody, forget it! (Monica points at Joey, Rachel turns and sees him) Rachel: (giggling and whispering) Maybe. Monica: (whispering) You can't! Rachel: (whispering) Why? (Monica gesticulates mumbling something that starts with "because") Seriously I did not understand a word that you said. Monica: In the hall. [Scene: In the hall] Monica: You wanna fool around with Joey? Rachel: Yeah! You know, ever since I had that dream about him, and can't get it out of my head! And what's the big deal, people do it all the time! Monica: Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around? Rachel: Ok, off the top of my head... Don and Janet. Monica: Who, who are they? Rachel: I know them from work. Monica: Both of them? Rachel: No, one of them... Monica: Which one? Rachel: I don't know, what were the names I just said? Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated. Rachel: All right, all right, you're right, I won't do anything with Joey, I just thought that we (Joey enters the hall) Ok so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion? (Joey enters his apartment) Monica: What the hell are you cooking! Opening credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross enters] Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Hey, you guys won't believe what I have to do for work today. Chandler: Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs. Ross: (covering with his hand Chandler's face, like pretending he's not there) (to Monica) There're these two professors who are joining my department and I have to meet them here and show them around campus. Monica: What's so bad about that? Ross: It's I just know they're gonna be a couple of windbags wearing tweed jackets with suede elbow patches. Monica: (fingering her elbow): Ross? Ross: (looking his elbow, where there's a patch) These aren't suede. (a woman walks in) Charlie: (to Gunther) Excuse me, I'm looking for someone. You don't, by any chance, know a Ross Geller? Gunther: No. Ross: Hi, hi, I'm Ross Geller. Charlie: Oh, hi. I'm professor Wealer. Ross: Oh, oh, that's, that's, that's nice. Charlie: It's a... It's good to meet you! Thank you so much for taking the time out to show me around. Ross: Oh, no, it's no big deal, I mean, if I weren't doing this I'd just, you know, be at the gym working out. Monica: (to Chandler) Is he gonna introduce us? Chandler: (to Monica) No, I think we're just blurry shapes to him now. Charlie: And, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis. Ross: Oh, ha, I wrote that in one minute. Monica: (to chandler) Twenty bucks says they're married within the month. Ross: (hitting Monica with his suitcase) (to Charlie) We should probably get going, you know, we got a lot of ground to cover. Charlie: Oh, ah, isn't there another professor that is supposed to come with us? Ross: I don't think so. Charlie: I'm pretty sure, professor Spafford from Cornell? Ross: Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in my class is "if you can't come on time, then don't come at all". (pause) An option that many of my students use. (pause) Shall we? Charlie: You don't think we should wait for him? Ross: You know what, he's a big boy, I'm sure he'll find us, ok? Professor Spafford: Professor Geller? Ross: Oh, damn it! [Scene: Joey's apartment] (Rachel enters the room and checks the answering machine) Jane: (from the answering machine) Hi Joey it's Jane Rogers, can't wait for your party tonight. Listen, I forgot your address, can you give me a call? Thanks, bye. Joey: (entering the room) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Joey: What's happenin'? Rachel: Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it to that one-woman show tonight. Joey: Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day and so, you know me, work comes first Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... (she plays the answering machine) Message: "Hi Joey, it's Jane Rogers can't wait for your party tonight" (Joey's upset and stops it) Joey: (yelling) Stupid Jane Rogers!! Rachel: (angry) You are having a party tonight?? Joey: Kinda have a... a thing for the Days Of Our Life's people. Rachel: And you weren't going to tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that? Joey: I do it every year. Rachel: You do that every year?? Joey: I didn't have to tell you that!! I'm stupider than Jane Rogers!! Rachel: Oh, that's why you got these tickets to that play, to get rid of us?? Joey: Yeah... Rachel: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant? Joey: Yeah... Rachel: OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory? Joey: (Smiling) I can't believe you guys went for that one! Rachel: Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties? Joey: You're fine, ok? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people! Rachel: Well, then so you just invite me...! Joey: (speaking aloud) Please, I was trying to be nice, you're the worst one! Rachel: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave, I promise! I will behave! Please, please, please... Joey: Ok, ok! Fine! You can come, but don't tell anybody else. It's up on the roof at 8. Rachel: (yelling and jumping like a child) OH, a soap opera roof party!! I'm going to a soap opera roof party!! Oh my God, oh my God!! (realizing how she's behaving) And it's out of my system! [Scene: Ross, Charlie and Professor Spafford are sitting at the table in a restaurant] Professor Spafford: (speaking very slowly) And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a sea food buffet you wouldn't believe. There were clams, and mussels, and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab, and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish. Ross: (very bored, he tries to avoid the conversation speaking to Charlie) So, where did you get your undergraduate degree? Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to. Ross: (to Charlie) Oh, it's not over! Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts, and cashews, and almonds, and filberts... Ross: So basically all nuts? Professor Spafford: Interestingly... no. Charlie: Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "interesting". Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me I'm going to use the restroom. (he goes away) Charlie: Oh my God!! Ross: I've lost the will to live. Charlie: Let's ditch him! Ross: What? Charlie: Come on, he's still in the bathroom! I'm begging you! Ross: Oh... ok, fine. But... ehm... I just have one question for you, ehm... (aping Professor Spafford) When we exit should we walk, or run, or prance, or stroll... Charlie: Stop it, stop it! He talks slow but he might pee fast! Ok, let's go!! (they run outside) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment] Ross: (entering with Charlie) Oh, hey you guys! This is Charlie! Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica. Phoebe: Hi! Ross: Yeah, Charlie is gonna be joining my department. Phoebe: Oh, you're a paleonthologist, too! (pause) Oh, ok, now, what do you think of Ranion's new theory of species' variegation in segmented arthopods? Charlie: Well, I think he's a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas... Phoebe: Ah, ah. Charlie: (her mobile phone rings) Oh, I'm sorry. I'll take this. Excuse me. (she cuts herself off for a moment) Ross: (to Phoebe) Ranion's theory of species variegation? Phoebe: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table and I memorized the title to freak you out! Monica: (to Ross) So, did you two have fun? Ross: Oh my God, she's great! I mean, we-we have so much in common and she's just cool, and funny... Monica: And I don't know if you've noticed but she's a (aloud) HOTTY!! (Charlie looks at her) HI! Rachel: (she enters wearing a bath-robe) Hey... Hi you guys! Listen, you know what? I'm not feeling really well. I think I can't get out for the play. Ross: Really? Wh-what's wrong? Rachel: I don't know! I think it's kind of serious! Oh, you know... I was watching this thing on TV this morning about... Newcastle disease... and I think I might have it!! Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and... other poultry. Rachel: ... Ok, who is this? Ross: I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, she's a collegue. Rachel: Oh, hi! I would check your hand but... I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken disease! Monica: Hey, Rachel, Can-can I see you for a sec? Rachel: Sure! (Monica takes her apart) Oh... Monica: You're not sick! Rachel: What? Yes, I am! Monica: Ok, then, why are you... (she opens her robe revealing a nice black dress) all dressed up?? Rachel: When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better! (she closes her robe) Monica: You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey! Rachel: Oh, no, no! I heard you before, that is so not what this is! Monica: Ok, what is this? Rachel: Ok! (whispering) Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you! Monica: (aloud) WHAT? Ross: (looking at them) Wh-what's going on? Monica: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof! Rachel: And he didn't want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you!! Charlie: I thought you came to say you were sick. Rachel: Ok professor or detective? Phoebe: Joey's having a party and he wasn't gonna invite us? Rachel: Yeah, and he does it every year! That's why he's sending you to that play! That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory! Phoebe: And that horrible museum tour! Ross: No, I arranged that... (Joey enters, wearing a bathrobe) Joey: (sounds tired) Hey you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun. Phoebe: We know about your party Joey. Joey: What party? Monica: The game's over! Take off your robe! Joey: (looks perplexed and opens up his robe) Ok... I mean... Everyone: No!! Cover it up!! Joey: (to Charlie after covering himself up again) Nice to meet ya! (Charlie waves hesitantly and Joey leaves) [Scene: The Roof] Joey: (To some people) Hey! Hey alright! Hey, glad you could make it (Shakes a man's hand) Thanks for coming. Monica: Oh my God! Kyle Lowder! Kyle Lowder: (to Monica) Hi. (walks on) Monica: (Yells after him) I love you! ……