Friends 922 The One With The Donor

[Scene: Central Perk. Charlie, Joey and Rachel are on the couches] Charlie: (while Joey's giving her a massage) Oh! That feels sooo good! Rachel: (speaking to herself and reading Cosmopolitan) Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show! Charlie: I'm sorry, what? Rachel: Oh... Oh, I'm sorry! I'm not... I was just-I was just reading to Emma. Charlie: From... Cosmo?? Rachel: Yeah, yeah... It's... "climax your way to better skin". Charlie: (to Joey) So, I have to go shopping today, which is my least favourite thing, I'm soo bad at picking out clothes! Joey: So you need someone who knows fashion, to tell you what looks good. Rachel: (hiding herself behind the magazine and whispering) Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me! Joey: Oh hey Rach! Rachel: Yeah... Joey: Maybe you could take Charlie shopping. Rachel: Oh, well... Charlie: I'm sure you have better things to do. Joey: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes. Charlie: If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help. Rachel: Ok, uh-uh... Let's-Let's shop!! Joey: (to Charlie) Ok, you're gonna come back with some very classy clothes... (aside to Rachel)... and some slutty lingerie, SLUTTY! Phoebe: (entering and talking on mobile phone) Ok, great! All right, bye! (she hangs up) Pain in the ass!! (she looks at the others, then back at the phone) That's off, right? Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh... Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight, he's gonna be there. And she was like "Oh, don't worry! I asked him. He's totally ok with seeing you!". So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally ok with seeing him! Rachel: Which you're not, because you've totally hung up on him! Phoebe: Exactly! Rachel: And you're gonna want him to eat his heart out so you're gonna have to look fabulous! Phoebe: (after a short pause) I didn't even think about that! (pause) Aaargh, sexual politics!! Rachel: Hey Pheebs, I'm-I'm taking Charlie shopping, why don't you come and I'll help you find something. Phoebe: Ok, that'll be great! Joey: Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together. Rachel: That's not what we're gonna do! Joey: Why would you ruin it, who was that hurtin'? Opening credits [Scene: Doctor Connelly's office] Chandler: (looking at the picture of the female reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face! Monica: Oh, I so can't believe this! My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I was trying so hard to be a good hostess! Chandler: Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!! Doctor Connelly: (entering) Hi there. Chandler: Hi. Monica: Hi. Doctor Connelly: I'm sorry there wasn't better news from your test last week but I wanted to talk to you about your options. Monica: Ok. Doctor Connelly: Above all, even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know! So, keep having sex on a regular basis. Chandler: Oh, DAMN IT! (Dr. Connelly glares at Chandler) Monica: Don't worry, after a while he'll tune it out. Doctor Connelly: Ok, given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy, or insemination using a sperm donor. Monica: (long pause) Ok. Doctor Connelly: And, of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you can always adopt. Chandler: Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! (Dr. Connelly glares at him) Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment! [Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Charlie on the couch. Rachel enters] Rachel: Hi! Ok, you're ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping? Charlie: Oh, yeah! Let's do it! Joey: (to Charlie) Alright, have a good time. (they kiss) Rachel: Not gonna find any clothes in there! Ross: (entering) Hey, you guys! Rachel: Hi. Ross: Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference? Charlie: Umh... Kurts Baley? Ross: Yeah, right! What was last time he met a submission deadline for an abstract (he and Charlie laugh, then Joey starts laughing too without any reason) Well, why are you laughing? Joey: Just... seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist... it's fun, yeah! Charlie: So you're up for keynote speaker! Who's making the decisions? Ross: Professor Sherman, yeah. I've a meeting with him today. Charlie: He's a pretty tough guy to impress. Ross: Yeah, well... I think I know how to dazzle him. Rachel: Oh... you're not gonna do a magic trick, are ya? Ross: Tsz... NO! (he goes to sit down, dropping a multicoloured silk streamer off his sleeve). Chandler: (entering) Hey guys! Ross: Wait a minute, you guys. Oh, I wanna ask you something. I-I I may get to speak at this paleontology convention and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me. Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick. Ross: It's in Barbados. Chandler: But you come first! Rachel: I'm there! Charlie: We'll see you, guys! (she goes) Joey: Bye. Rachel: Bye, see ya. (she goes) Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) Ok. Joey: All right, so. How did it go at the fertility clinic? Chandler: Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample. Ross: So-so what did the doctor say? Chandler: Well... there's surrogacy, but Monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too hard for her. Joey: So you're ruling out surrogacy? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: So, I don't have to learn what that means? Chandler: Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors. Joey: Enough said, I'm there for you man. Where is she, upstairs? Chandler: (stopping Joey) ah-ha! Ross: How do you feel about all this? Chandler: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one. Joey: Come on Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it! Ross: (puzzled) What? (Joey moves close to Ross and whispers something in his ear) Ross: (looking astonished) What? NO! I am not going to give them Ben! [Scene: Professor Sherman's office, Ross is relating to Professor Sherman] Ross: The data we are receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are - are staggering. Professor Sherman: Mmm-mm. Ross: (reading from a notepad) I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as a given, but if they're off by even a hundred thousand years or so then you can - you can just throw most of our assumptions, you know, right in the trash. (he throws the notepad in the waste bin) So-so what I am saying is - is is that (he picks the notepad back from the waste bin) is that the repercussions could be huge! I mean, not just in palaeontology, but if-if you think about it, in evolutionary biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly the mind boggles! (Turns to look at Professor Sherman, only to discover that he is sleeping) Ross: Oh, that's not what you want... [Scene: Shop, Rachel, Charlie and Phoebe walk in] Shop assistant: (to a girl) Incentive For Men? Phoebe: Oh, I'll take some of that. Rachel: Pheebs, that's for men! Phoebe: No, I know, this way when I go to the party later Mike will know I am over him cause I'm gonna smell like another guy. (to the shop assistant) Yeah. (The shop assistant sprays the perfume on Phoebe's neck) Phoebe: Ok. Oh good, I'm dating a Russian cab driver. (to the shop assistant). Seriously does anyone buy this? I smell like beets! Charlie: (to Rachel) So, you know what, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads on them. Where do you think those would be? Rachel: On Melanie Griffith in "Working girl". I think what you want is over here. Charlie: See, I told you I needed someone! Oh, you know, by the way, as a "thank you", I would really love to take you out. Rachel: Really? Charlie: Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to the movies tonight, wanna come? Rachel: Oh, I can't. Because I-I've seen them. Charlie: You've seen all the movies... Rachel: Yeah! I'm a big fan! Of the movies, you know. Motion pictures. The Talkies! Phoebe: (picks up a dress) Hey Rach, will you come with me to a dressing room? Rachel: Sure! Phoebe: Ok! Charlie: Wha, you know, maybe we can do something else! Rachel: You know that depends on what it is! I've done a lot of stuff. (Phoebe and Rachel go off to the dressing rooms. They enter one and close the curtain.) Phoebe: So what were you doing out there, do you not like Charlie? Rachel: She's ok, I just don't get a really good vibe from her! Phoebe: Why? Rachel: I don't know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet... I mean, nobody else has a chance! Phoebe: Who else? Rachel: Anybody! You, me, you know, Monica's mom... Phoebe: You like Joey? Rachel: Shhhhh! Phoebe! All right, look. I have a little thing for him. Phoebe: (whispering) Oh my God! Rachel: It's just physical and I have it totally under control! Ok? It's just, when I see them together, sometimes I just get a little jealous! Phoebe: Uh, wow! Isn't it ironic that he liked you and now you like him? Rachel: (annoyed) Oh, I get it! Phoebe: Oh well, as long as it is under control, you know, you can't do anything about it, he's already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldn't be right. Rachel: I know, I know, so it is just not a big deal. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: So can we keep this between us? Phoebe: Sure! Rachel: Ok, great, because I gotta get out of here, the smell of beets is killing me! Phoebe: Oh. (Rachel opens the curtains and sees Charlie coming out from the dressing room just next to theirs) Phoebe: Any chance Charlie has a deaf twin? [Scene: Monica's apartment, Chandler walks in with a friend of his while Monica is putting fruit in a bowl.] Monica: Hi honey! Chandler: Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work! Monica: Oh, of course, it's so nice to see you again, Zack! Zack: (shaking Monica's hand) You too. Chandler: You guys haven't actually met before, but, boy! You're both polite! (pause) Go to have a seat Zack, and I'll get you a beer. Monica: I got it. Zack: Thanks. Chandler: (to Mon) So, Zack's pretty nice, uh? Monica: Yeah, I guess. Chandler: So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his! Monica: (turns around and she's quite shocked) Excuse me? Chandler: Well, we're talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean, he is "spermtastic"! Monica: Chandler, this is crazy! What did you even say to him! "Come up, meet my wife! Give us your sperm"! Chandler: No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out. Monica: Chandler! Chandler: I'm telling you, he's great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go! Monica: I'm not going to be a part of this! You can't just bring some random guy at home and expect him to be our sperm donor! Chandler: Ok! Monica: Uh! Chandler: (bringing the beer to Zack) Zack! Zack: Thanks! Do you have a coaster? I don't wanna make a ring. (Monica hears that and is suddenly very interested in Zack) Monica: Tell me about yourself, Zack! [Scene: Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are talking in front of the dressing room] Rachel: Oh, God, do you think she heard? It would be so bad if she heard! Phoebe: Well, maybe she didn't hear! Ok I'm gonna go into that dressing room, you stay in here and I'll talk and see if you can hear me. Rachel: Ok, great! (Phoebe moves in the dressing room from which Charlie went out) Rachel: Oh, thank God I can't hear a word that you're saying! ……