Friends 1011 The One Where The Stripper Cries

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch. Monica and Joey enter.] Joey: Hey guys! Monica: Hey, let me tell them! Joey: Sure. Monica: Joey is gonna be a celebrity guest on a game show! Phoebe: Great! Ross: Really? Which one? Monica: (stopping Joey from answering) Ohh! Fish, seaweed, a sunken ship. Ross: Things you find in the ocean, (to Joey) You're gonna be on "Pyramid"!! Monica: Oh, that was our favorite game show ever! Ross: Except for "Match game"... Monica: Or "Win, Lose or Draw". Chandler: What did I marry into? Joey: Would you guys want to come down tomorrow and watch me tape the show? Monica: Oh, I can't. We're throwing Phoebe a bachelorette party. Phoebe: Yeah, sorry boys, this ride's closing. Ross: Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid college alumni thing. I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond. Joey: Seriously? Ross: (very excited) Yeah-uh! Monica: Ross and I always wanted to be Donny and Marie. Chandler: You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler! Monica: Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends. Rachel: Oh God, that's right. I blocked that out. Monica: (singing an old Donny and Marie song) "I'm a little bit country"... Ross: (continues singing) "...and I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll"! Chandler: (to Monica) I'm leaving you. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Class of '91 reunion. Ross and Chandler enter.] Ross: So weird to see all these people again... Oh my God, look, there's Geoffrey Cleric. Chandler: Who? Ross: He was roommates with John Rosoff. He went out with Andrea Tamburino. She dumped him for Michael Skloff. Chandler: (looking around) Did I go to this school? Ross: Hey, there's Missy Goldberg. You gotta remember her. Chandler: (looks over at her) Sure, nice. Ross: Dude. You're married to my sister. Chandler: You're right, by saying "nice" I'm virtually licking her. Ross: Hey, I hear she's single again, d'you think I should ask her out? Chandler: Are you asking permission to break the pact? Ross: Yes please. [Flashback, year 1987. Chandler enters the school's corridor. Ross is hanging some flyers on the wall. Both have a funny 80s hair and clothes.] Ross: Hey. Hey, check out the flyers for the band. I made 'em on a Macintosh in the computer room! Chandler: Awesome, the name really stands out. Ross: Thanks to a little something called "Helvetica Bold 24 point"! Chandler: Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union! Missy: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Hey, Missy... Chandler: You know, our band is playing on Friday. Ross: Yeah, yeah. You should come check us out. We're called "Way! No Way!". Missy: No way! Chandler and Ross: Way! Missy: Right. I'll be there. (she leaves) Chandler: Fresh! Ross: Boss! Chandler: Mint! Ross: She's gone. Chandler: I know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out. Ross: Dude, I was gonna ask her out. Chandler: I said it first, bro. Ross: Well, I thought it first, Holmes. Chandler: (angrily) Look, if you did... Ross: Woha! Wait... What are we doing? What we have is too important to mess it up over some girl. I mean, we can get laid anytime we want. Chandler: Totally. I had sex in High school... Ross: Me too. I'm good at it. Chandler: All right, I'd say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg. Ross: You got it. Chandler: All right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with. Ross: Those are the pacts! Chandler: Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway. Ross: Oh, oh... maybe not you! [We get back to the Class of '91 reunion, where Ross and Chandler are still looking at Missy.] Chandler: Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact. Ross: Thank you. (they shake hands) All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary it used to be going up to girls in college? Chandler: Your hands are shaking. Ross: I know, and I can't stop sweating. (he walks towards Missy) [Scene: The "Pyramid" Studio.] Voice: Five! Four! Three! Applause! Donny Osmond: Yeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani! (Joey's amazed at the place and he keeps looking around till he realizes the audience is applauding him) Joey: (to Gene) I know it could be intimidating for regular people to be around celebrities but... relax, I'm just like you! (pause) Only better looking and richer. Donny: ...should be playing with the star of "General Hospital" Leslie Charleson. (applause) Welcome everybody. Good luck to all of you. Let's play Pyramid. All right? Now... we flipped a coin before the show, Gene, you won the toss, so you're gonna start. Which category would you like? Gene: I'll take "You crossed the line". Donny: You crossed the line. Joey, describe for Gene these things that have lines. Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please. Ready, go! Joey: (on the screen there's the word "Supermarket") Uhm... ok. It's a store, like a supermarket. (there is a sound indicating he made a mistake as he shouldn't have said 'supermarket'. The next word appears, "notebook") Oh! I see-I see what I did. Yeah, ok, ok, uhm... I'm writing in my... Gene: Diary. Joey: Noo, (whispering) more like a notebook... Damn it! (next word appears: "blueprint") Oh, if I'm building an house, the plan isn't called the 'shmoo-print'... Can't say that either? Woha... hey... (the last word is "Football field" and there are 5 seconds left) In high school, I once had sex with a girl right in the middle of the... Gene: Cafeteria. Joey: Yeah! But that is not what they're looking for. (time's finished) OOOH! [Scene: Monica's apartment, where Phoebe's bachelorette party is taking place.] Phoebe: (to Rachel) Thank you so much for this. Rachel: Oh, d'you like it? Phoebe: Oh my God, it's all so elegant! When's the dirty stuff starting? Rachel: What? Phoebe: You know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pee's flying about. Rachel: Pheebs, I... there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that. Phoebe: Oh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, uh, ok. (she drinks her tea) Hmmmm... raunchy! Rachel: Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party. Phoebe: Really? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of $1s in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea? Rachel: Nooo! Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just go and talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pee's! [Scene: Joey's at the game show "Pyramid" with host Donny Osmond.] Donny: Now Gene I must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game, all right? Describe for Joey things you find in your refrigerator. Joey: Ahaha, he might as well just give us the points. Donny: Give me twenty seconds on the clock. Ready? Go! (the first word is cream) Gene: You put this in your coffee. Joey: A spoon. Your hands. Your face! Gene: It's white! Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost! Gene: It's heavier then milk! Joey: A rock, a dog, the earth. Gene: Pass! (the second word is mayonnaise) Gene: You put this on a sandwich. Joey: Salami, anchovies, jam! Gene: It's white! Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost! Gene: It's made from eggs! Joey: Chickens? Gene: Pass! Joey: Oh! (The third word is ketchup) Gene: You put this on a hamburger! Joey: Ketchup! Gene: Yes! (The fourth word is soda) Joey: Relish! Gene: Stop! Joey: Oh. Donny: Oh, time's up! Joey! You were, uh, almost on a roll there... Joey: Yeah... Donny: Uh, Gene, you're gonna have a chance to go to the winner circle in the second half. But right now Henrietta you are going to the winner circle to try your luck for ten thousand dollars, right after this, don't go away. Stage Manager : And we're out! Joey: Oh, so we didn't win, but it's fun to play the game, right? Gene: Hey! I got a kid starting college. I've to get surgery on my knee, you just lost me ten grand! Joey: Oh, wow! I'm so sorry, ok? I promise, we'll do better next time! Gene: Well, I will, because I won't be playing with you. Joey: Hey, you know, some of those are pretty hard! Like why would there be a ghost in my fridge? (pause) . Yeah! [Scene: College reunion party. Ross is talking to Missy.] Ross: So, Saturday night! Missy: I'd love to! Ross: Great! Missy: So how come it took you so long to ask me out? Ross: Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kinda silly, but, do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing? Missy: Sure, he was in your "band"? (she air quotes band) Ross: It's been sixteen years but the air quotes still hurt. Missy: Sorry. Ross: That's ok. Uh, anyway, well he and I both really liked you a lot, uhm, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship, so we kinda made a pact, that neither of us could ask you out! Missy: Really? Ross: Yeah, why? Missy: Well, Chandler and I used to make out! A lot! Ross: You did? Missy: Yeah. We'd go to the science lab after hours! Ross: (angrily) AND ON MY TURF? [Scene: Monica's apartment. The bachelorette party.] Monica: (to Rachel) Hey, where is this guy, it's been over an hour! Rachel: Well, he's coming from Jersey, he said he would get here as fast as he could! (someone knocks at the door) Monica: Who is it? Man: It's the police! Rachel: (pretends to be shocked) Uh! The police! Phoebe: (Excited, running back to her seat) Oh! Man: That's right, it's officer Goodbody. Monica: What's the matter, officer? Has someone been bad? (looks over to Phoebe and she opens the door, and to their dismay, the stripper is an old, short, fat guy who looks exhausted) Roy, the male stripper: (coughs) Whoo, that's a lot of stairs! COMMERCIAL BREAK Roy: Ooh, boy. You should warn people there's no elevator! I should not have had that Mexican food for lunch. Monica: Are you gonna be ok, officer, uhm,... Roy: Goodbody! Monica: ...If-you-say-so. Roy: So where's the young lady who I'm supposed to take (he shakes his hips) downtown! (Monica points Phoebe) Phoebe: Oh, God! Roy: All right, somebody show me where to plug in my box, and we'll get this party started! (he thrusts his pelvis towards Phoebe) Whaaaa... (walks back to plug in his cd player) Here? All right. Phoebe: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Are you kidding? Rachel: All right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find! Phoebe: How old is your phonebook? Monica: Oh my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment! Phoebe: Oh God no, I don't wanna see him take his clothes off! Roy: Are you talking about me? Monica: Oh, no! I mean, obviously we want to see you take your clothes off! You big piece of eye candy! Roy: Ok, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? (pause) Did someone call for the long arm of the law? (He extends his arm from around his crotch and then upward and outward, towards Phoebe) I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon! (Puts his hands over his crotch) I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing! (he uses his remote to turn on the music, "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell, and starts dancing for Phoebe. He shakes his butt, moves his shoulders back, grabs his crotch and hops towards Phoebe. Phoebe is half horrified and half scared. He takes his hat off and throws it away, does some "Can Can" high kicks and swings his butt in front of Phoebe who looks at it in disgust. Then he tears open his shirt and shows her his chest and she flinches.) Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa (he turn off the music) . She cringed! Phoebe: This is how I look when I'm turned on! Roy: You were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? (goes to get it) Look, I've been in this business for a long time! Phoebe: Shocking! Roy: Now if you just pay me my three hundred dollars, I'll be on my way! ……