介绍:
106 Heightened Neurosis
WE MIGHT ASSUME that as we train in bodhichitta our habitual patterns will start to unwind—that day by day, month by month, we’ll be more open-minded, more flexible, more of a warrior. But what actually happens with ongoing practice is that our patterns intensify. This is called “heightened neurosis.” It just happens. We catch the scent of groundlessness, and despite our wishes to remain steady, open, and flexible, we hold on tight in very habitual ways.
For example, we may develop a new self-critical story line based on spiritual ideals. The warrior training becomes just one more way to feel that we never measure up. Or we use our training to increase our sense of being special, to build up our self-image and increase our arrogance and pride. Or perhaps we sincerely wish to surrender our useless baggage, but in the process, we use the teachings themselves to distance ourselves from the chaotic, unsettling quality of our lives. We try to use our spiritual training to avoid the queasy feeling in our gut.
The point is that we will bring our habitual ways of gluing ourselves together right into bodhichitta practice, right into the training in ungluing. But because of our practice, we can start to look compassionately at what we do. What is happening to us psychologically? Do we feel inadequate? Do we continue to believe in our same old dramas? Are we using spirituality to bypass what scares us? It’s easy not to see where we are still seeking ground in the same old ways. We have to gradually develop the confidence that it is liberating to let go. Continually we train in maitri. It takes time to develop enthusiasm for how remaining open really feels.
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