介绍:
【前言】剧本~~~略有删节~~
Joey: WHOAA!!
Chandler: See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.
Monica: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning.
Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning?
Monica: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale.
Rachel: I didn't know there were docks.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Aww, is it broken?
Joey: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks.
Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
Joey: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out.
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket.
Joey: What is this? Fruit?
Rachel: Monica's making jam.
Joey: Whoa, jam! I love jam!Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?
Chandler: Because the kids need new shoes.
Monica: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam.Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot.Joey: This will just be my batch.
Phoebe: Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you.
Guy: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters....
Phoebe: What?
Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
Phoebe: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.
Guy: Wh..
Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus!
Phoebe: Oh, you're not a dingus.
Guy: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.
Phoebe: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay.
Guy: Well thanks.
Phoebe: Wait, (grabs him) you know what, I got a little story. When I was in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying?
Guy: Not really.
Phoebe: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you just seem to be a really nice guy, you know. Don't be so hard on yourself okay.
Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice. Here
……
Ross: There it is.
Rachel: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. (to Chandler) Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Do I look fat?
Ross and Rachel: Noo.
Chandler: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.
Rachel: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it.
Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her....
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter?
Rachel: Nooo!
Ross: And it works both ways.
Chandler: Okay, so you both just know this stuff?
Rachel: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on.
Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do?
Chandler: That's easy, baggage claim.
Ross: (buzzes) Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.
Chandler: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something.
Rachel: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. Okay, I'm late for work.
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: All right are you guys gonna come down?
Ross: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you.
Rachel: Good luck Chandler.
Chandler: Thank you Rachel.
Ross: Bye sweetie.
Rachel: Bye hon.
Ross: Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
Chandler: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers.
Ross: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. Okay, you're in bed...
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: I'm gonna use the cushion.
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you.
Chandler: Okay, the old hug and roll.
Ross: Yep.
Chandler: Okay, one question.
Ross: Shoot.
Chandler: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right?
Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
Rachel: You're so pretty.
Phoebe: (entering) Hi!
All: Hey, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today.
Joey: You talked to him. Are you crazy?
Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.
Chandler: Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom.
Phoebe: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this, this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he's so cute.
Ross: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your sister's stalker.
Phoebe: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you know, like I did for Joey after he went out with her.
Joey: Hey, I didn't stalk her. I mean
……
Ross: What are you talking about?
Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Are you serious?
Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Ross: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!
Monica: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid.
Chandler: That, that's what's stupid.
Monica: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff.
Rachel: Down at the docks again?
Janice: Night-night Bing-a-ling.
Chandler: Night-night.....Janice.
'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes! Freedom! Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!'
Malcom: Here's my binoculars.
Phoebe: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going.
Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. What's this?
Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it?
……
Chandler: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.
Monica:Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.
Chandler: You mean there's more than one of us.
Ross: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if you do this, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna.....
Monica: You're gonna what?
Ross: I'm gonna tell Mom.
Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy.
Ross: Crazy.
Monica: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to something....
Ross:Oh, it's not the ideal way...
Monica: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know?
Joey: Check it out!! Jam crackers!
Monica: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks, rule!'
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!
Monica: Joey, this is you!
Joey: Let me see. Oh, right.
Rachel: When did you go to a sperm bank?
Joey: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU.Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
Chandler: And that's how you bought it?
Joey: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left.
Monica: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here.
Joey: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.
Phoebe: (entering) Hellooo!
All: Hey.
Ross: How's the maniac?
Phoebe: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'.
Rachel: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into that stuff anymore. He quit for me.
Rachel: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for God knows how long, okay, you don't just give up something like that.
Phoebe: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything.
Ross: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?
Phoebe: What, he's not still following her. Do you think he is still following her?
Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
Phoebe: What are you saying I should do?
Monica: I think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him.
Phoebe: Thank you, Monica.
Joey: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes.
Monica: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine.
[Scene: Central Perk]
Rachel: Oh my God, what happened?
Janice: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed!
Rachel: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun.
Janice: Oh, (laughs) I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing.
Rachel: Ross's what?
Janice: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my....God.
Malcom: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yes? Yes! Oh.
Malcom: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich. Oh, here it is! Oh.
Malcom: Were you following me?
Phoebe: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me.
Phoebe: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?
Malcom: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic.
Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
Malcom: Uh-huh, I don't know.
Phoebe: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna go?
……
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