Friends 323 The One With Ross's Thing

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are playing with the duck and the chick.] Joey: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck. Chandler: Or... Dick. Ross: (entering) Hey. Chandler and Joey: Hey. Ross: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something. Chandler: Was it like a sneeze only better? Ross: No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body. Joey: (with a disgusted look) What was it? Ross: Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out. (starts to take off his pants) Chandler and Joey: Whoa!!! Chandler: No!! Ross: Come on you guys, it's no big deal! (He turns around and shows him his thing.) Chandler: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh. Ross: Well what is it? Is it a mole? (He moves closer to them, and they jump back.) Joey: No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole. Ross: Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple? Chandler: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a... Rachel: (entering, interrupting them) Hey guys! What's... (sees what they're doing and stops, the guys are stunned) Chandler: Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter. Ross: Ahhh. Joey: Yeah, right. (Rachel backs out with a confused look on her face.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her date.] Phoebe: (to her date) Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I play my music. (points to the stage) Vince: Good deal. Phoebe: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people. Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Hey! Vince: Hey! Phoebe: Vince is a fireman. Rachel: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before? Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the force. Chandler: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred. Vince: (dead serious) Fire safety is not a joke, son. Chandler: You're right, I know. Vince: (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight. (kisses her) See you Saturday. (leaves) Phoebe: Okay. (watches him leave) Rachel: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher. Phoebe: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight. Rachel: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you. Phoebe: I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin', field-playin' juggler. Joey: So Pheebs, do they know about each other? Phoebe: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? (Joey makes an `I don't know' face, and looks to Chandler and Rachel, who're also stumped) Okay, no they don't. Ross: (entering) Hey guys! Joey: Hey. Rachel: Hi! (He goes over and sits down at the counter, all depressed.) Joey: (going over to him) Well?! Chandler: (joining them) Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's? Ross: Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about, it's totally benign. Joey: Well what is it?! Ross: He couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin... abnormality. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it. Chandler: Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples. Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name. Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross." Ross: (sarcastic) Yeah, that'd be cool! [cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns from the bathroom] Monica: Pete's breaking up with me. All: What?! Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk. Rachel: And? Monica: Well that's it. People never say `We need to talk' unless it's something bad. Joey: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you. Monica: Really?! Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you. [Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking with her second date, Jason.] Jason: ...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life. Phoebe: That is so great! Oh, I... (sees that a parked car near them has caught on fire) Oh my God! Jason: Whoa! Phoebe: (the fire has worsened) Oh my God!!! Jason: Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire department! Phoebe: (stopping him) No! No! Jason: No, no? Phoebe: Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we'd, we'd like a good mechanic. (hears the sound of approaching sirens) Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out of here! Jason: W-w-w-wait! Why?! Phoebe: Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay? (she drags him away) [Scene: A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.] Ross: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off! Dr. Rhodes: Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. (Ross starts to take off his pants) What are you doing? Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple. Dr. Rhodes: Well that's not a third nipple. Ross: No? Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass. Ross: Well then, what is it?! Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment? Dr. Johnson: I'm with Hamilton! Dr. Rhodes: He's good with rear things, bring him in too. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there.] Monica: (starting to get up) I gotta go water Pete's plants. (stops) Y'know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants. Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean. Joey: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them. Phoebe: (entering with Rachel) ...and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy. Rachel: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them? Phoebe: (disgusted) Uh. Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field? Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field. Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them. Monica: Yeah. Which one do you like more? Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's so burly, he's sooo very burly. (giggles) Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince. Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive. Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him. Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy. Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy! Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler. [Scene: Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a look at Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted look on his face.] Ross: Y'know I have dinner plans!! Dr. Rhodes: Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've-I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm stumped. (He removes the blanket covering the thing.) All: Whoa. (they all lean in to get a closer look, Ross isn't pleased) [Scene: Pete's apartment, Monica is there to water the plants, and is showing the gang around.] Monica: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! (the lights turn on automatically, but are very bright) Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights! Lights go away! (they dim) Oh, see you just need to find the right command. Ross: Yes, and the dimmer switch. Joey: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV. Monica: No-no-no, that's a video-phone. But hey guys you're not supposed to be here, so please, do not touch anything. Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable. Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) This place is amazing. Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen. Monica: I know. Phoebe: No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day. Joey: Look at this! A millionaire's checkbook. Monica: Joey, put that down! (the phone rings) Oh my God! It's Pete. Okay, get out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! (steps in front of it, and automatically answers it) Pete: Monica? (the gang ducks and hides) Monica: I guess that's how. Pete: Hey Monica, how's it going. Monica: Oh it's umm, good! It's umm, it's good, just here watering the plants. Pete: Well don't forget that fiches over there by Rachel. Rachel: (standing up) Ahh... Chandler's on the couch!! Pete: I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever. All: (standing up) Hey Pete. Joey: Hi, how ya doing? Monica: Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so I know, is it good news or bad news. Pete: Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news. Hold on a second, I have another call. (clicks his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how's it going? Monica: Oh no-no-no, it's still me. Pete: Ah, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here. (to other caller) Yeah. (listens) Yeah, okay. I'm gonna have to call you back later. (pause) Monica? You. I'm gonna have to call you back. Monica: Oh, oh, okay umm, so I'll see you soon. Pete: Okay, I love you. Monica: I love you. All: I love you, love you. Monica: Okay. Well, it's good news. It's good news. Chandler: So, what do you thing the good news is? Joey: (looking at the checkbook) Wow! Look at this! He wrote a check for 50,000 dollars to Hugo Ligrens Ring Design. (Monica is stunned) Oh, sorry, what do you think the good news is? [pause] Monica: Oh my. Rachel: Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!!! Ross: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom! (Pete's computer automatically calls Mom, Pete's Mom.) Pete's Mom: Hello. Monica: And that's Pete's Mom. (The gang quickly hides again.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is returning from Pete's.] Rachel: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, “Look how much money we've got!” Y'know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it'll be dry, but people will like it. Monica: Would you stop? We've only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don't even know if he's gonna propose. Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He's not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that's like a third or fourth date kinda thing. Monica: Well if-if that's what it is, then it's-it's crazy. Ross: Monica's right. We're talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she can't just rush into this. Rachel: Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian! (Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey stops.) Phoebe: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince. Chandler: Oh, so you're going with the teacher, huh? Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it's just Jason's so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it's just better than having just like a really, really, really nice (pause) butt. (Her eyes glaze over thinking about the butt.) (pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck! All: Good luck! (pause) Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gang all look at her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what it'd be like to catch the money bouquet. [Scene: A Fire House, Phoebe has gone to break up with Vince.] Phoebe: Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here? Fireman: Oh sure. Vince?! ……