Friends 409 The One Where They’re Gonna PARTY

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are showing everyone the van they bought for the catering business. It’s an old Dodge van, that has a cartoon woman riding on a dragon painted on the side of it.] Phoebe: Okay! Monica: Come on, no peeking! (They are leading the gang out with there hands over their eyes.) Chandler: Our eyes are closed and we’re about to cross the street. Very good. Phoebe: Okayyyyy, open up! (They open their eyes and are stunned at the van.) Ross: What did you want to show us? Because all I can see is this bitchin' van! Phoebe: Yeah, it’s for our catering business! Joey: I think I know that girl. Monica: All right, umm, we’re not gonna really keep it this way though. Rachel: No? Phoebe: No, we’re gonna paint over the sword, and replace it with a baguette. Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: And also, we don’t know what to do with this. (She turns on a switch and the girl’s nipples light up.) Joey: Oh yeah, I definitely know her. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all there.] Monica: (to Phoebe) Remember that guy from cooking school I told you about that put cilantro with everything? Phoebe: Oh sure, Cilantro Larry. Monica: Well, I’m gonna fill in for him as food critic for the Chelsea Reporter. Monica: Wow, Monica! What an amazing opportunity to influence… dozens of people. Phoebe: How could you say yes, what about our catering business? Monica: Oh no-no-no, it’s only one night a week, and plus I get to take all of you out for a lot of free dinners. All: Yay!! Phoebe: Oh, in that case—(hops up and down in joy)—Yay! (Monica looks confused) That was me hopping on board. Monica: Oh. Chandler: (entering) Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party? Ross: I don’t know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there’s this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch. Chandler: No-no, I don’t think you heard me. Are you ready to party?! Ross: Nooo!! Gandolf?! Gandolf is coming to town? Chandler: Kathy’s with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude! Ross: Dude, we are sooo gonna party! Phoebe: Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this guy? Ross: Mike "Gandolf" Ganderson, only like the funest guy in the world. Chandler: I’m gonna call and get off work tomorrow! Ross: I’m gonna call after you! Chandler: This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore! Chandler and Ross: Woooo!!! Monica: All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van? Joey: Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book? Ross: Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandolf is like the party wizard! Joey: Well, why do you call him Gandolf? Ross: Gandolf the wizard. (Joey is still confused) Hello! Didn’t you read Lord of the Rings in high school? Joey: No, I had sex in high school. [Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel and Sophie are sitting at their desks working as Joanna walks in.] Rachel: Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I could ask you something. There’s an opening for an assistant buyer in Junior Miss… Joanna: (interrupting) Okay, but that would actually be a big step down for me. Rachel: Well, actually, I meant for me. The hiring committee is meeting people all day and… Joanna: Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but you can’t stay my assistant forever. Neither can you Sophie, but for different reasons. Rachel: God, I am so glad you don’t have a problem with this, because if you did, I wouldn’t even consider applying. Joanna: Really? Well, in that case… Rachel: (interrupting) And that’s I’m so glad… there’s no problem. Joanna: That’s fine, actually I’m on the hiring committee, so there’ll be at least one friendly face. Rachel: Ohh! That’s great! Joanna: You know, Junior Miss is where I started. Oh, I had to sleep with the ugliest guy to get that job. Rachel: Really?! Joanna: No-ho-ho! (pause) Yeah. (pause) I mean, no-no-no-no-no, don’t you worry, I’m sure with your qualifications you won’t need to sleep with some guy to get that job. Although, I might need some convincing. Rachel: Well, I, umm… Joanna: Kidding! God, I feel wild today! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready to party.] Chandler: Oh man! I am so excited—I may vomit! Joey: Will you calm down, he’s just a human guy. Chandler: Look you don’t understand, Gandolf is amazing. Y’know you’re never know what’s gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia! Joey: Really?! Chandler: Oh yeah, it’s beautiful country up there. Ross: (entering) Hey! Okay! I got my passport, fresh socks, and a snake bite kit! Chandler: It’s not gonna be exactly like last time. Joey: All right, I’ll see you guys. Chandler and Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Chandler: Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Joey: I have an audition, but I’ll definitely hook up with you later. Where are you gonna be around noon? Ross: Somewhere maybe along the equator? Joey: Okay. (leaves as the phone rings) Chandler: (answering it) Hello. (listens) (to Ross) It’s Gandolf!!! (on phone) So, are you in town? (listens) (disappointed) Oh, well, well maybe next time then. (Hangs up) Ross: What happened? Chandler: He’s not gonna make it, he’s stuck in Chicago. Ross: Ohh, man! Chicago, is sooo lucky! Chandler: Stupid, useless Canadian money! [Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is meeting with Mr. Posner, Mrs. Lynch, and Joanna the hiring committee.] Mr. Posner: You have a very impressive resume, Ms. Green. I especially like what I see here about implementing a new filing system. Rachel: Thank you. Joanna: Filing system? Oh-oh! You mean those-those little colored labels you put on all the folders? (to the committee) It certainly did brighten up the inside of the filing cabinets. Rachel: Well, they uh, they-they do more than that. Mrs. Lynch: I notice that you’ve been trusted with a lot of rather important responsibilities. Rachel: Yes, Joanna really has been an incredible mentor to me. Joanna: Oh. And Rachel has been really incredible in getting my morning bagel for me. It’s amazing how she gets it right almost every time! Rachel: I-I-I of course, I have more responsibilities than that. Joanna: Oh yes, well there’s the coffee too. (to the committee) Rachel can carry two things at once! Mr. Posner: Yes, that’s very good. Now a uh, big part of this job is cultivating personal relationships, especially with designers. Rachel: Yes, I realize that… Joanna: (interrupting) And Rachel shouldn’t have any problem with that. The only problem might be getting a little too friendly, if you know what I mean. Rachel: I love working with designers! Joanna: With them, under them, what’s the difference? Eh, Rach? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is there as Monica enters carrying a huge stack of newspapers.] Monica: Hey! My first review is out! Phoebe: Ohh! Oh, the Chelsea Reporter, ohh, this used to keep me so warm. Monica: All right, look at my on the back page. Phoebe: Oh, okay! (reading) "Would I go back to Allesandro’s? Sure, but I’d have to order two meals, one for me and one for the guy pointing the gun to my head." (to Monica) Wow! You really laid into this place. Monica: Hey, they don’t pay me a penny a word to make friends. Phoebe: Ooh, I gotta go. I found a guy that who could fix up the van for catering. Monica: Oh! Do you need me to go with you? Phoebe: No-no, it’s okay. But are we sure we don’t want the waterbed? Monica: Haven’t we made this decision? Phoebe: Yeah, all right. (starts to leave) Monica: Bye! Phoebe: Bye! (The intercom buzzes.) Monica: (answering it) Who is it? Allesandro: It’s Allesandro, from Allesandro’s. Monica: Oh my God. Allesandro: I want to talk to you about your review. Monica: Oh my God, oh my God. (on intercom) Call me on the phone! Allesandro: Why? So you could hang up on me? Monica: Look, I-I’m never gonna let you up so you may as well just go away. Allesandro: Just give me a chance too… Phoebe: (on intercom) Hey, do you need to get in? Here you go. Monica: No! Phoebe! Phoebe: Hey, Monica! COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Allesandro: (entering) I want a retraction! Our food is not inedible swill! Monica: I couldn’t eat it! I had five friends who couldn’t eat it, and one of them eats books. Allesandro: Well our service is not grossly incompetent. Monica: The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants! Allesandro: Well, you said that we except the Discover Card, which we do not! Monica: All right, that I’ll retract. But I stand by my review, I know food and that wasn’t it. You’re marinara sauce tasted like tomato juice! You should serve it with vodka and a piece of celery. Allesandro: Hey! I’m proud of that sauce, it’s delicious. Monica: Oh my God! You own an Italian restaurant and you think that tastes good?! Where are you even from? Allesandro: (shyly) Lebanon. Monica: Hand me those tomatoes, I’m gonna show you what it should taste like! Come on, hand me them. Allesandro: How long is this gonna take? ‘Cause I got another critic to go yell at. [Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel is confronting Joanna about her interview.] Rachel: (entering Joanna’s office) Umm, Joanna? I wanna talk about that interview. Joanna: I thought it went very well. Rachel: No! It didn’t! That’s what I want to talk to you about. (starts to break up) Now, just to brief you… (starts to cry) I may cry, but they are not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me having this discussion with you. Joanna: Rachel, please, don’t make a scene. Rachel: There’s nobody here! Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie enters) You see! Now you’re making Sophie uncomfortable! Sophie: She’s not making me uncomfortable. Joanna: Congratulations! You now just crossed the line into completely useless. Get out. (Sophie starts to cry and leaves) Rachel: Do you want me to quit? Joanna: What?! What would make you think that? Rachel: Well of those things that you said in the interview, I mean if you believe any of them, I must not be a very good assistant. Y’know what? I am just gonna pack up my desk, (She goes over to get all of her belongings from the desk, which amount to a muffin and a pen) and I will be gone by the end of the day! (Realizes she has nothing.) Well, I guess there’s no use to me sticking around ‘til the end of the day! (Starts to leave.) Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait! You can put your sad little muffin back in it’s drawer. If you must know the truth, I didn’t want to lose a perfectly good assistant. Rachel: What? Joanna: That’s why I said all those things about your flirting and your drinking… Rachel: My drinking? Joanna: Oh, I must’ve said that after you left. Rachel: Said what? Exactly. Joanna: That you enjoyed the occasional drink…ing binge. Rachel: Oh my God!! Ohh, that is it! I’m leaving! You are just a horrible person! Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!! If you’re gonna get all sensitive about it! I don’t want to lose you. What if I, create a position for you? I’ll make you an assistant buyer in this department. Rachel: Say more things like that. Joanna: You can have your own office, and a raise! Effective tomorrow. Rachel: I’d need an expense account. Joanna: Done! Rachel: And an assistant. Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie peeks in around the corner) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are watching TV as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! What are you guys doing here? I thought you’d be out partying with Gandel-worf. Ross: It’s Gandolf, and he’s not coming. Joey: So you’ve been sittin’ around here all mornin’? Ross: No! I balanced my checkbook. Chandler: Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players. …