介绍:
[Scene: A Theatre, Chandler and Ross are there to watch the premiere of Kathy’s play.]
Chandler: Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the star of the play!
Ross: People can hear you.
Chandler: I know!!
(The play starts.)
Chandler: Wow! She looks great. Doesn’t she?
Ross: Yeah.
(Onstage there’s a knock on the door and Kathy opens it. We don’t see what’s going on, only hear it.)
Kathy's Co-Star: Hi!
Kathy: Hi!
Ross: That is one good looking man!
Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?!
Kathy's Co-Star: Sooo, you’ve been doing this long?
Kathy: No, you’re my first. Put the money on the table.
(Ross and Chandler have stunned looks on their faces as Kathy and her co-star start making out.)
Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, that’s nice. (They start making out harder.)
Ross: Dude!
Kathy's Co-Star: Is that an expensive blouse?
Kathy: If you want it to be.
(Kathy’s co-star rips her blouse off and buttons go flying into the audience, and one hits Ross. Chandler’s mouth is on the floor.)
Ross: Here’s your girlfriend’s button. (Holding the button.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is still unpacking after the move, and Phoebe is their also.]
Phoebe: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school?
Monica: Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why?
Phoebe: Well, it’s just that maternity clothes are so expensive.
(Rachel enters)
Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just…(Rachel grunts and throws her purse at it)…throw your purses at it.
Rachel: Bloomingdale’s eliminated my department. (Phoebe gasps)
Monica: Oh my God, are you out of a job?
Rachel: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge step down!
Phoebe: Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: That sounds great!
Joey: (entering) Hey! (Goes to the fridge.)
Monica: Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can’t eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended.
Joey: (Holding a turkey leg) There’s gravy?
Monica: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, that’s your department now. (She takes back the turkey leg)
(Joey climbs up on the counter and starts looking at the top of the cabinets.)
Monica: What are you doing?
Joey: I think I left a donut up here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are entering after the play. Phoebe and Joey are already there.]
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Ooh! How was Kathy’s play?
Ross: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good lookin’ guy.
Chandler: Yeah, it’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!
Phoebe: That’s a good idea for a business!
Chandler: I’m totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they’re gonna go to their cast parties and he’s gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it’ll be like, "So where’s your boyfriend, what’s-his-name, Chester?" And she’ll go, "No-no-no, it’s Chandler." And he’ll go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Joey: (to Ross) That-that is a good trick.
Chandler: All right, look, look, what am I gonna do?
Joey: Chandler, look they’re actors. They’re there to do a job, just ‘cause they work together, doesn’t mean they’re gonna get together. I mean just ‘cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen with them.
Ross: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
Joey: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.
Ross: They’re not a couple!
Phoebe: Oh-okay, I get the game now.
Joey: Okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on stage, was it like really hot?
Ross: Oh yeah!
Joey: Well okay, so then you’re fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as it’s hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. It’s when the heat goes away, that’s when you’re in trouble.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Look, you guys have been to every play I’ve ever been in, have I ever had chemistry on stage?
Ross: No.
Joey: Noooo!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the gang minus Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast. Ross and Chandler are sitting at the foosball table and eating.]
Chandler: So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight?
Ross: Y’know what, I don’t know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend.
Chandler: Yeah, I know but…
Ross: Oh no-no-no, I’m there.
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey Mon! Want some pancakes?
Monica: You made pancakes?
Joey: Yep! Grab a plate.
Monica: Okay. (She does so and starts to walk towards Joey to receive her pancakes.)
Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and Joey flips her a pancake, which flies over her head and lands in the living room.) Gettin’ closer.
Chandler: Okay, okay, but don’t worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I’m fairly certain are the same thing.
Joey: Listen also we’re uh, we’re watching the game here Saturday night, if people want to come over.
Ross: Oh yeah!
Monica: Oh, I was thinking about having people over for the game.
Joey: Oh yeah, who’s playing?
Monica: The players.
Ross: Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess.
Monica: (laughs) Please, it’s a relief is what it is, is what it is.
Joey: All right Pheebs, stick out your plate!
Phoebe: Oh. (Joey flips the pancake and Phoebe catches it and throws it on her plate.)
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job.]
Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, I’m quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it! (Pause) I’m telling you I’m quitting! That’s it! I’m talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up as her boss, Mr. Waltham, walks in.) Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah really need to talk to you.
Mr. Waltham: In a moment, please, I’m in the middle of a task. And you have a customer.
(It’s a really good-looking man, Joshua, that Rachel has an instant crush on. Well actually it’s Tate Donovan, so it’s not like she’s really testing her acting skills.)
Rachel: Hi!
Joshua: Hi, I’m Joshua.
Rachel: Hi, I’m Rachel Green. What can I do for you Joshua?
Joshua: Well, I need a whole new wardrobe. My wife, well my ex-wife…
Rachel: Oh, I’m so sorry.
(He walks over to look and some clothes and Rachel quickly turns around and adjusts her bra, trying to show off her assets.)
Joshua: Anyway, she burned all of my clothes. I got away with two things. This suit and what turned out to be a skirt.
Rachel: Well, at least that’s a great suit.
Joshua: Yeah, but it wasn’t much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in the skirt. (Rachel laughs) So I need everything down to underwear, so if you’re willing, I’m all yours.
Rachel: Okay.
Mr. Waltham: Rachel, you needed to speak to me?
Rachel: No-no, that wasn’t me! (To Joshua) Well, we should get started. Let me show you my underwear. (Joshua turns at that) The selection of underwear we carry.
(He walks out and Rachel stares at his butt as he leaves. He makes a wrong turn.)
Rachel: Oh-oh, sorry, it’s this way, it’s this way. (Motions to the correct way.)
Joshua: It’s this way? Sorry. (He walks past her and she again admires his butt.)
[Scene: Kathy’s play, Ross and Chandler are waiting for her in the lobby after the play.]
Chandler: I’m right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now there’s no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means!
Ross: All right, let’s not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was some sexual chemistry between them.
Chandler: Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there!
Ross: Here she comes. Don’t say a word, okay? Just be cool, don’t be…y'know you.
Kathy: Hey you guys!
Ross: Hey!
Kathy: Hi! (Kisses Chandler) Thank you so much for coming again. Did you like it tonight?
Ross: Oh, absolutely! (Chandler mumbles something.)
Kathy: Wasn’t Nick funny when he couldn’t get his match lit?
(Chandler laughs without opening his mouth.)
Kathy: It’s a good play, isn’t it?
(Chandler mumbles something, and Ross tells him to "Come on.")
Chandler: Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you’re having sex with him.
Ross: Okay, I… (Walks away.)
Kathy: Clearly, I’m having sex with him?
Chandler: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two!
Kathy: Okay, so let me just get this straight. You’re accusing me of cheating on you, and insulting my performance?
Chandler: Y’know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you’re up there every night, you’re naked, touching, kissing.
Kathy: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! I’m-I’m playing a part in a play! How can you not trust me?!
Chandler: Well, you can understand, given how we started.
Kathy: Oh, wow. I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face.
Chandler: Well, that is what happened, and I don’t even see you denying this!
Kathy: I’ll tell you what, Chandler, why don’t you call me when you grow up!
Chandler: Yeah, well, don’t expect that to happen anytime soon!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are there eating pizza as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over today, and I got to dress him up all day!
Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll.
Rachel: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! Joshua! Josh.
Ross: Uh, hello!
Rachel: Hi-e!!
Phoebe: Ooh, what do I smell?
Joey: I don’t know, it smells good.
(He goes over and opens the door to reveal Monica holding a plate of cookies and a fan to blow the smell across the hall.)
Monica: Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven!
Phoebe: Ooh! (They all go over to her apartment)
Monica: Please, have some!
Ross: Oh, yumm!
Monica: Yeah, I’ve just been fiddling around in here making delicious treats for everyone.
Joey: (Holding a magazine) Wow! The new Playboy!
Monica: Yeah, it’s just something I picked up.
Ross: Cookies and porn, you’re the best mom ever!!
(Rachel laughs hysterically for no reason.)
Phoebe: What? What?
Rachel: Well, it was just something Josh said about v-necks, but you had to be there.
Ross: Yeah, how does Jason look in a v-neck?
Rachel: It’s Joshua.
Ross: Oh, whatever. (Laughs and gives Joey the thumbs up heading back to his apartment. Joey follows him)
Monica: Wait! Wait! This isn’t take-out!
Phoebe: (getting up) Well, I hate to eat and run, but…
Monica: No, wait, please don’t go! I’ve got porn for you too!
Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t need it.
Monica: People are supposed to wanna hang out here!
Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal?
Monica: I’m the hostess! Not those guys! I’m always the hostess! I mean, I was always the hostess, I mean even when I was little, I mean the girls brought their dollies to my tea party, I-I served the best air.
Phoebe: Well, why did you make like a whole big thing out of y'know, everyone has to hang out in the big apartment?
Monica: ‘Cause they took our apartment, I wanted to punish them. But I’m-I’m done now. They’ve suffered enough.
