Friends 402 The One With The Cat

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is eating breakfast as Chandler comes out of his bedroom, ripping his coat in the process.] Chandler: Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice! Joey: How many times do I have to tell you! Ya, turn and sliiiide! Y'know, turn and slide. Chandler: You don’t turn and slide, you throw it out! I’m tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed! Joey: Look, we’re not throwing it out! I built this thing with my own hands! Chandler: All right, how about we, how ‘bout we sell it. Joey: All right. But, you’re gonna have to tell them. (He opens the cabinet to reveal the chick and the duck living inside with Christmas lights and a disco ball as decorations.) Chandler: (nods his head) Do you mind if we stick you in another cabinet? (to Joey) They seem all right with it! OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are there. Monica is checking the messages.] Chip: (on machine) Hey Monica, it’s Chip. Monica: Yesss!! Ross: Who’s Chip? Monica: Shhh! Chip: (on machine) Good runnin’ into you at the bank today, so ah, here’s my number, 555-9323. Give me a call. Later. Monica: Chip, is Chip Matthews. Ross: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you? Monica: ‘Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo cute. Ross: Monica, you’re so lucky! He’s like the most popular guy in school!! Monica: I know!! (calls him) (on phone) Chip? Hi! It’s Monica. (listens) ‘Kay. (listens) ‘Kay. (listens) Okay. (listens) Okay, good-bye. (hangs up) Oh my God, we just had the best conversation!! (goes into her room as Rachel enters) Ross: (to Rachel) I was just leaving. Rachel: Good! ‘Cause I’ve got a product report to read, it’s like eight pages, I hope I don’t fall asleep. Ross: Why? Did you write it? Rachel: (sees Chip’s phone number) Wow! Look at that, Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants? Ross: Well ah, actually... Rachel: (interrupting) I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy. Ross: Well, umm, why don’t you give him a call? Rachel: Okay. (picks up phone) Are you sure you wanna hear this? Ross: Oh, I’m sure. Rachel: (on phone) Chip! Hi, it’s Rachel. (listens) Rachel Green. Yeah, umm, you left me a message. (listens) Yes you did, my roommate wrote it down. (listens) Monica Geller. (listens) Ohh. Ross: (whispering in her ear) Oh, that’s right! He called to ask out Monica! That-that’s gotta be embarrassing! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.] Phoebe: (screaming, angrily) ...DUMB, DRUNKEN, BITCH!!! (applause) (happily) Thank you, thanks. Ross: (reading the newspaper) Hey, here’s a question; where did you guys get the finest oak East of the Mississippi? Chandler: Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land. Ross: I’m reading your ad. Joey: Looks good, uh? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: (reading the ad) Stunning entertainment center. Fine, (pause) fine Italian craftsmanship. (Joey is very proud of himself) Phoebe: Oh my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center? Rachel: Why? I love that thing. Chandler: You want it? Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no. Chandler: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane? Joey: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks! Chandler: All right look, I’m changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer. Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant. Chandler: (looks at him) Nooo. Joey: Oh. What do you do? Chandler: I can’t believe you don’t know what I do for a living! Phoebe: Yeah, I actually don’t know... Ross: Good, so do I Rachel: Something to do with numbers? [Cut to someone entering Central Perk which lets a cat in. The cat then runs over to Phoebe’s guitar case and starts sniffing around.] Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! (goes over and picks up the cat) Come on. Crazy. (looks into the cat’s eyes) Oh my God. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing. Joey: What? What’s wrong? Phoebe: I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my Mother. Rachel: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She was a cat?! Phoebe: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who killed herself. Ross: Are you sure she’s in the cat, or have you been taking your grandma’s glycoma medicine again? Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! I’m sure. First of all, okay, there’s the feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel nods her head in unsure agreement) My Mother’s favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joey thinks he understands, but then nods that he has no clue.) Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an “Oh my God.” gesture) Oh, I haven’t seen this smile in 17 years! Joey: (to Chandler) Dude, Phoebe’s mom has got a huge peni... Chandler: (interrupting) Let it go!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is working as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey! Rachel: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that you’re going out with Chip Matthews? Monica: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews? Rachel: Nooo! It’s not okay! I can’t believe you would want to after what he did to me! Monica: What, that little thing at the prom? Rachel: Monica! I couldn’t find him for two hours! He was having sex with Amy Welch! Monica: Come on, that was back in high school! How could that still bother you? Rachel: I mean why, of all people would you want to go out with Chip?! Monica: Look, you and I went to different high schools... Rachel: Okay, that doesn’t help me, because we went to the same high school. Monica: You went to one where you were popular, and you got to ride off Chip’s motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went to one where I wore a band uniform they had to have specially made. Rachel: (shocked) They had to have that specially made?! Monica: It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes. Rachel: (stunned) Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot! Monica: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance to go out with a Chip Matthews, and now he’s-he’s called me up and asked me out. And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never let her eat. Rachel: Oh, you go out with him. (goes over and hugs her) Monica: Oh, really?! Rachel: Yeah. Just, if it’s possible, could you leave him somewhere and go have sex with another guy? Monica: I’ll try. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, they are all there eating breakfast.] Ross: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center? Joey: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I don’t think any of them are gonna work out. Chandler: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails. Phoebe: (is struggling with the cat) Stop it! Stop it! She keeps squirming, trying to get away! Just like when she was alive. Ross: So Pheebs, how long is your mom gonna be with us? Phoebe: Well, I’m not sure. I mean, I guess until she y'know, gets used to the fact that there’s y'know, a new mom. Y'know, I think she’s worried that y'know, she’s gonna, she’s gonna be replaced. (to the cat, in a funny voice) Well, that’s not gonna happen is it? Noo. (gets up) Okay, I have to return a call in the other room. Monica: Why can’t you use the phone in here? Phoebe: Well, I’m returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H. I just spelled the wrong word. (goes into Monica’s room) Ross: So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebe’s mom remind anyone of a cat? Monica: Ross, don’t start. Ross: Come on, you-you can’t tell me you actually believe that-that there’s a woman inside that cat! Rachel: I believe it. Ross: No you don’t. Rachel: Yes, I do. Ross: No you do--y'know what, you’re not gonna suck me into this. Rachel: Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right. Ross: I do not always have to be--okay, okay. (starts to leave) Rachel: Jurassic Park could happen. (Ross wants to say something, but just smiles and leaves.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are showing a couple of guys (Tony and Peter) the entertainment center.] Tony: Wow! That’s ah, that’s pretty nice! Joey: Pretty nice? Chandler: You’ll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this. Tony: We don’t have 50 bucks, but would you be willing to trade for it? We’ve got a canoe. (Joey jumps up in excitement and without turning around Chandler holds out his hand stopping him, and ushering him back into his seat. Joey sits down, dejected.) Chandler: Y'know, I, I really don’t think we need a canoe. Tony: You gotta take the canoe! Chandler: All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away! Peter: We’re not throwing it away! I built that canoe! (starts to leave as Tony chases after him) Joey: (to Peter) Good for you!! [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Ross are there.] Rachel: (entering) You guys, you’re never gonna believe what I just found tacked up on a telephone pole! (She’s holding a flyer.) Look kinda familiar? Ross: (taking the flyer) Apparently Phoebe’s mother also goes by the name Julio. Rachel: You guys, there’s a little girl in Soho looking for this cat. I mean, you know what that means?! Joey: (looking at the flyer) Yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split five ways!! Rachel: Do we have to tell her? Ross: Yes, we have to tell her! Monica: Oh, but it’s made her so happy. Ross: (holds up a hand) Little girl misses her cat. (hold up the other hand) Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat. (gets up) Okay, y'know what, I have to go have dinner with my son, can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her. All: (disappointed) Yeah. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: I hate when Ross is right! Monica: He is right, isn’t he? Chandler: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he’s wrong. All: You think? Chandler: Oh-no, he’s right. COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Central Perk, the same scene is continued from before the break. With Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: (entering, with Julio) Hi. (sits down in the chair) Monica: Hi! All: Hey! Joey: Uh, Pheebs, about your mom... Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: (pause) How’s that going? Phoebe: So great. Oh, we took a nap today and my Mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred. Joey: That’s so sweet. (pause) I’m gonna get some coffee. (gets up and leaves) Monica: (sliding into Joey’s place on the couch to try and talk to Phoebe) Huh? What’d ya say Joe? I’ll be right there. (gets up and joins Joey) (Rachel and Chandler slide into position.) Rachel: Pheebs... Phoebe: I just feel so, uhh..... Rachel: All right!! Chandler: I’m coming already!! Rachel: Jeez! (They both get up and leave Phoebe alone.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading at the kitchen table as there is a knock on the door.] Monica: (running from the bathroom to her room, wearing only a towel) Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! (gets to her room and closes the door, as Rachel gets up to answer the door.) Rachel: Hello, Chip. Chip: Hey, Rach! How ya doin’? Rachel: I’m great! I’m great. I’ve got a great job at Bloomingdale’s, have wonderful friends, and eventhough I’m not seeing anyone right now, I’ve never felt better about myself. Chip: So ah, Monica ready yet? Rachel: She’ll be out in a second. So, Chip, how’s umm, Amy Welch? Chip: Amy Welch? Wow! I haven’t seen her since... So, Monica about ready? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is showing off the entertainment center.] Joey: Oh yeah! I got in there myself once. My roommate bet me five bucks that I couldn’t, and then he stuck a board through the handles that locked me in. Yeah. ……