Friends 416 The One With The Fake Party

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is stressing out about something.] Monica: What is it hon? Phoebe: I-I can’t find anything that I want to eat! Everything I eat makes me nauseous! I’m telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake—ooh! Cake! (Chandler shrugs, and Phoebe grimaces.) No. Monica: Aww, honey I’m sorry. Phoebe: God! Ooh! What is that smell? It’s coming from the bathroom. Ooh! (She goes to the bathroom.) Chandler: Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings. [Cut to the bathroom, Joey is taking a shower and Phoebe knocks on the door.] Joey: Yeah? Phoebe: It’s me. It’s Phoebe. Listen there’s something in here I want to eat, what-what smells so good? (Joey sticks his head out of the shower curtain.) Joey: Is it the shampoo? It’s guava. Phoebe: (she smells his head) No! Joey: Oh! Wait-wait! (Reaches inside the shower.) Is it my bologna sandwich? Phoebe: Yes. Yes. Yes. I can’t believe it! The baby wants bologna! Maybe he wants me to eat meat? I can’t eat meat! Joey: Oh, wait-wait! (Reaches into the shower again.) Maybe it’s a pickle?! (Phoebe grimaces at the smell.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are there. Rachel is writing something on a pad, and then crumples it up and throws it on the floor.] Chandler: What are you writing? Rachel: Well, Joshua’s coming in tomorrow and since I don’t have the guts to ask him out, I’m going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket. Chandler: Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out of style—what did you throw away? (Ross and Emily enter.) Chandler: Hi guys! All: Hey! Joey: Hey, what have you guys been up too? Ross: Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs and the Cupert-Hewitt museum. Chandler: Without me?! Emily: My uncle dragged us there. But, it actually it turned out to be really interesting. Ross: Yeah. Emily: They were so ornate and beautiful, I mean look at that! (Shows them a doorknob she has.) Monica: I don’t know how museums work in England but, here, you’re not supposed to take stuff. Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. (Chandler is shocked.) It’s a joke. (They all laugh.) Ross: Bye. (They kiss.) Emily: Right, I’ve got to be off, I’ll see ya. Buh-bye then. (She leaves.) Joey: Wow! You guys seem to be having a good time. Ross: Oh yeah, she’s-she’s amazing. And-and she’s so much fun. And! Y’know what? When I’m with her, I’m fun! I even signed up for helicopter classes. (Chandler is shocked.) She’s leaving in two days, I don’t have to do it. Monica: Oh no, two days, you must be bummed. Ross: Yeah, she’s got to go back to London. But you know what? I’ve been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and that’s it. Y’know. Joey: Hey that’s what all my relationships are like. Chandler: Yes, but in Ross’s case, they both know in two weeks that’s it. (Phoebe enters.) Ross: Pheebs! All: Hey! Ross: (starts rubbing her belly) Hello! Hello! Phoebe: (angered by the rubbing) Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So the baby is totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat, y’know? And I got nauseous. Chandler: Maybe that’s because soy-burgers suck! Phoebe: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy. Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow. Phoebe: That’s sweat. You throw up all morning, you’ll have that glow too. [Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is preparing to slip Joshua the note.] Joshua: (coming in from a changing room) Okay! Rachel: Oh, here’s that trench-coat that you wanted. Joshua: Oh great! (He tries on the coat.) Wow! Yeah, it’s comfortable. Rachel: Yeah? Joshua: Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing. (He goes to put his hands in his pockets.) Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they don’t want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store. Joshua: Why not?! Rachel: Well, that’s because of a lot of…(She imitates someone picking their nose and placing the treasure found in the pockets.) Joshua: Y’know, they ruin it for everybody. Rachel: I know! Joshua: Y’know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night. Rachel: Oh? Joshua: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce. Rachel: Well, congratulations, so do you love her? Joshua: No, no, no, she’s nice but, y’know, it just it made me realize that I’m just not, I’m just not ready to be dating, y’know? Rachel: Huh. Well, uh, that’s uh, that’s interesting. (She goes over and retrieves her note.) Joshua: (noticing her) Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that? Rachel: Oh, it’s just an anti-theft device. Joshua: Then uh, what’s-what’s this? (Shows her the real anti-theft device.) Rachel: You need that, you need that too ‘cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up. (Rips up the note.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is writing on the Magna-Doodle as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have a party tonight! Actually, we have to have one in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans. Chandler: What are you talking about? Joey: Yeah, what’ going on? Rachel: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it’s actually for Joshua. (Starts handing out party hats.) Look, he said he’s not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I have the perfect opportunity to seduce him! (Hands Ross a party hat.) Ross: Well, as much as I’d like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I aren’t going to be here. All right? I mean, she’s going to come by first to say good-bye, and then I’ve got a whole special evening planned. So I’m sorry, no party. Joey: Awwww! Emily: (entering) Hello? Rachel: Surprise!!! Chandler and Joey: Surprise!! Emily: No one’s ever thrown me a surprise party before! Rachel: Well, it was all Ross’s idea. Emily: You’re so sweet! And I’m so surprised! Ross: You really didn’t know? [Cut to later, the party is in full swing. Rachel is in the kitchen and Chandler goes over to talk to her.] Chandler: Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? (Points to the living room.) Rachel: Uhh, because I’m trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick he’s looking over here, say something funny. Chandler: Like what? (Rachel laughs hysterically.) Joey: What-what-what is so funny? Chandler: I said, "Like what?" Joey: Now that’s a thinker. Rachel: Okay, y’know what, y’know what? This playing hard to get thing is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. (Chandler does so.) Okay. Okay. (She does a little sexy walk over to where Joshua is standing.) Hi! Joshua: Hi! Rachel: Care for a cherry? Joshua: Oh, no thanks. Rachel: No? Y’know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue. (She tries to demonstrate this unique ability, but only succeeds in choking on it.) Joshua: You okay? (Rachel swallowed it whole and is not hacking like a heavy smoker in the morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks away, coughing.) Ross: (interrupting Monica and Emily) So we should probably get going soon. Emily: Oh, but the party’s only just getting started! Ross: Yeah, but we-we have to be at the Four Seasons for drinks in 15 minutes and then y’know, then The Plaza for dinner. Emily: So why did you plan a party at the same time? Ross: No-no-no, no, umm, actually American surprise parties are-are-are very short. It’s usually, "Surprise!" And then, "Oh my God, I’m so surprised—good-bye!" Emily: But Ross, I’m such having a great time! Your sister has just been telling me that you used to dress up like little, old ladies and hold make-believe tea parties. Ross: Monica said that did she? (He squeezes Monica’s knee really hardly and Monica winces in pain.) [Cut to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is watching Joey make a sandwich.] Phoebe: Ooh, yeah. Then what are you going to put on top of that? Joey: A little salami. Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami? Joey: Pastrami. Phoebe: Oooh, yeah. You’re a genius. (Rachel enters, she has changed clothes.) Rachel: Oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper? Joey: Yeah. (He goes over to her.) Rachel: Up! Monica: You changed? Rachel: Yeah, I did. I needed my lucky dress. Monica: And lucky means, more cleavage? Chandler: Does for me. (Joey starts wiping lint off of her back, but goes at little too far and Rachel just glares at him. He stops, gives her the ‘okay’ symbol and walks away.) Rachel: Ohh, God! Look at him, he’s so cute. I wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him? Joey: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off your bra. Rachel: What? Joey: There was a seen in Footloose... Chandler: Flashdance. Joey: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl… Chandler: She was a welder. Joey: What? Were you like in the movie, or… Anyway, she takes off her bra under her shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy. Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe. Rachel: It’s not Christmas! Monica: Or Spin the Bottle? Rachel: He’s not 11! Emily: (with her coat on, she’s leaving with Ross) Thank you so much for this. It was really so thoughtful of you. Rachel: What? You’re leaving?! Ross: Yes, we have something we have to get to. Joshua: Uhh, yeah, I think I’m going to take-off too. Rachel: No! You guys can’t leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the whole big thing planned! Ross: What big thing? [Cut to later, the whole group is seated on the floor and Rachel is explaining the rules of Spin the Bottle.] Rachel: (spinning the bottle) So, Spin the Bottle works like this: I spin the bottle, it lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther. (She crawls over to where Gunther is sitting and sees the look of anticipation on Gunther’s face and decides not to kiss him.) All right. Who wants to go first? Emily: I’ll go. All: Yay! (Emily spins the bottle and it lands on Joey.) Joey: Welcome to America. (They both kiss.) (Joey spins the bottle and it lands on Emily.) Monica: Two in a row! You’ve got to use your tongues now! (They kiss again.) Rachel: Yay! Emily! (Emily spins the bottle and once again, it lands on Joey.) Chandler: What are the odds? What are the odds? (They both move to kiss again.) Ross: (stopping them) Okay, that-that’s enough! Y’know, let’s, let’s let someone else play. Joey: If you didn’t want to play, why did you come to the party? Rachel: Okay, my turn!! (Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on….wait for it….Joshua. (You thought I was going to say Ross, didn’t you?) Rachel squeals in delight and starts a slow sexy crawl over to Joshua, making sure he and everyone else watching gets a good look at her cleavage.) Phoebe: Oh my God!! The baby just kicked! All: Ohh! Rachel: It’s okay! It’s okay! It kicked once, it’ll kick again! All: Oh my God! (They all stand up and go over to Phoebe to feel the baby, preventing Rachel from kissing Joshua.) Rachel: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting. (She crawls over to Joshua and kisses the back of his knee. He feels it and looks down, Rachel pretends she’s knocking a bug off his leg.) Rachel: Just a bug. COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, it is later in the party. The Spin the Bottle game is over and Chandler is making a sandwich as Phoebe watches.] Phoebe: Y’know it doesn’t matter how much I’m craving it. Y’know why I’m never gonna eat meat? Because it’s murder, cold blooded murder. Chandler: Okay.