Friends 419 The One With All The Haste

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom; Rachel is awoken by a man singing in the next apartment.] The Singing Man: (singing, duh) Morning’s here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here! The morning’s here! Rachel: HEY!! Do you have to do that? It’s Saturday! The Singing Man: Oh come on! Morning’s here! (Starts singing) Morning’s here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here! (Rachel slams shut her window and storms into the living room, where Joey and Monica are eating breakfast.) Rachel: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy! Joey: Are you kidding? I love that guy! (Starts singing) Morning’s here! Morning is here— Rachel: Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small. Monica: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did. Rachel: Monica, you don’t even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor! Monica: Y’know what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay, I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live! Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Monica: Okay. Joey: See, this is a great apartment. Monica: Shut up! This place is a hole! OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Ross’s bedroom; Ross and Emily are making out. Ross as a new feature.] Emily: Oh, blimey, I still can’t believe you’ve got an earring! (Yep, it’s a little gold loop.) Ross: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? (Shakes his head around, pretending like he’s jamming.) Emily: He does that?! Ross: Uh, I don’t know, whatever. Emily: I think it makes you look really dangerous. Ross: Oh, I know. Y’know what, I never would’ve gotten this if it weren’t for you. No really, when I’m with you I’m-I’m like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy! Emily: I love both of you! Ross: Yeah? (They kiss.) Emily: I wish I didn’t have to go. Ross: Then don’t. Stay here. Just don’t go so soon to London, just one more day. Emily: Ohh, Ross, please! Ross: One more day, seriously/ Emily: Don’t do this to me, again. You’d know I’d stay here in a minute, but I’d really miss so much work, they’ll fire me. Ross: So, then you can stay as long as you want. Emily: I wish I could. Ross: Oh no. Don’t, don’t, don’t start packing. Come on! (She puts some clothes into her bag, and Ross throws them out.) Emily: I don’t think you understand packing. Look, I just don’t want to leave it to the last minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my knickers here. Ross: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on. Emily: You didn’t! Ross: No. No, I didn’t. I didn’t want to be that guy. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are watching one of those Kung Fu movies and imitating the moves.] Phoebe: (entering, wearing Santa pants) Hello! Chandler: Ho! Ho! Ho! Phoebe: Excuse me. Chandler: Your pants! Phoebe: Oh, yeah! You like ‘em? I just, I went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable! Joey: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants. Phoebe: What? Chandler: Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesn’t get it.) Santa Claus’s pants. Phoebe: Nuh-uh! They’re maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. (Pulls out a sheet of paper which lists who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.) See, these names are good, and these names are bad. (Finally, she figures it out.) Ohh. Rachel: (entering) Hey! Monica: (entering) Hey! Rachel: So—Hey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves? Phoebe: I don’t know! How are the-the-the-the, y’know—You’re clothes aren’t funny. Monica: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game? Chandler: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I don’t belong here." Joey: You have Knicks tickets? Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dad’s season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me. Monica: Yeah, apparently, they’re pretty good seats. Rachel: Yeah. Joey: (examining the tickets) Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor! Rachel: Do you guys want these? Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Yeah we do! Rachel: Ohh, well you got ‘em. Both: All right! Rachel: Just give us our apartment back! Phoebe: Boy! I didn’t see that coming! Chandler: Are you serious? Rachel: Oh, come on! We know what these are worth. Monica: Yeah, what, do you think we’re stupid? Joey: You’re not stupid. You’re meaner than I thought. Monica: What do you say? Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats! Rachel: You’re bachelor pad?! Monica: Have you even had a girl up here? Chandler: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time. Joey: Yeah, you do! [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is whining to Chandler about the tickets.] Joey: Come on! Chandler: (ignoring him) Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please? Gunther: Good one. Joey: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do you know what that means? Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up the apartment. Joey: Oh come—look, when I was a kid my dad’s company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! Of course, he wasn’t in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that! Ross: (entering) Hey, guys! (They both notice his new little friend) Joey: Hey! Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: We don’t make enough fun of you already? Ross: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it. Chandler: You do know that Wham broke up? Ross: I like it, and Emily likes it, and that’s what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing? Joey: Oh-no, don’t try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear. Chandler: Where is Emily? Ross: Ugh, she’s saying good-bye to her uncle. Chandler: Man, didn’t she like just get here? Ross: Yeah!! Yeah! Chandler: Easy tiger. Ross: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, it’s-it’s so great. But at the same time I’m thinking, "Well, I’m gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off." Chandler: So what are you going to do? Ross: Nothing! There’s nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-she’d have to uh, move here. She should move here! Joey: What? Ross: I could ask her to live with me! Chandler: Are you serious? Ross: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?! Chandler: Because you’ve only known her for six weeks! Okay, I’ve got a carton of milk in my fridge I’ve had a longer relationship with! Ross: Look guys, when I’m with her it’s-it’s-it’s like she brings this-this-this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love her, y’know? Chandler: And I love the milk! But, I’m not gonna some British girl to move in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now. Joey: All right look, Ross, he’s right. Emily’s great, she’s great! But this way too soon, you’re only gonna scare her! Ross: I don’t want to do that. Joey: No! You don’t want to wreck it, you don’t want to go to fast! Ross: Yeah, no, you’re right, I know, you’re right, I’m not, I’m not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. (Gets up to leave.) Chandler: Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same day. Joey and Chandler are eating pizza, and Phoebe is trying to knit something.] Phoebe: That’s too hard. Too hard! Monica: (entering with Rachel) All right boys, last chance for the tickets! Rachel: Or I’ll give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua. Chandler: No thank you. Joey: Wait-wait-wait-wait! (To Chandler) Come on! Come on, let’s trade! The timing’s perfect, I just clogged the toilet! Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we can’t leave in the small apartment after we’ve lived here! Didn’t you ever read Flowers for Algernon? Joey: Yes! Didn’t you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I didn’t read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight! Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats. Joey: It’s the Knicks! Chandler: Screw the Knicks! Joey: Whoa! Chandler: I didn’t mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more. Joey: Huh. Chandler: And the Knicks rule all. Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all! Phoebe: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it? Chandler: No. No. We’re not gonna do that, y’know why? Because its not an even trade. Rachel: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets? Joey: Done! Rachel: Let me finish. Joey: Oh. Rachel: I’m talking about a bet, winner takes all. Joey: Ooh, we could end up with nothing. Phoebe: Or you could end up with everything. Joey: Ooh, I like that. Monica: All right, so what do you say? Chandler: No! Monica: Oh, just do it!! Chandler: Op, op, I’m convinced! Joey: Come on man, you know I’d do it for you! Because, you’re my best friend. Chandler: All right, but you can’t use that again for a whole year. I’m in. Joey: All right! Phoebe: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet? Rachel: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she’s the only who’s impartial, and she’s so pretty. Phoebe: Okay. Umm, ooh, ooh—oh, I have a game! Joey: Okay! Chandler: Okay! Phoebe: This is great! Joey: What’s the game?! What’s the game?! Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesn’t have a name—oh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesn’t have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees? Monica: They’re green? Phoebe: Good! Good! Five points! (They both rejoice; Chandler is totally confused.) Phoebe: All right, Joey, same question. (He looks to Chandler, who doesn’t have a clue.) Joey: Uhh, they’re tall. Phoebe: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy. (Joey turns and is angry that Chandler didn’t come up with the answer.) Monica: That’s not even a game! Rachel: What? Shut up! We’re winning! Monica: You wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. What do you say? Chandler: Fine, let’s do it. Phoebe: Oh, I have cards! Joey: Oh. Monica: Oh, good. Phoebe: Yeah! Here! (She grabs a deck out of her purse) Oh no, these are the trick deck. Okay. Here yes. Okay. Chandler: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first Rachel: Okay. Monica: Okay. (She picks a card.) Four. Chandler: That’s a low one! Joey: Yeah! Okay. (Joey picks a card.) Phoebe, you look, I can’t. Phoebe: What make you think I can?! (Shields her eyes from it.) Joey: Okay. Okay. (He looks at the card.) Ace! (Both Joey and Chandler and Monica and Rachel jump up and down for joy.) Chandler: Why are you screaming and hugging? Monica: Because we won our apartment back! Joey: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace! Monica: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four! (They all look to Phoebe to settle this.) Phoebe: I don’t know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! (She fans out the trick deck.) Ah-ha! Rachel: All right, cut, let’s pick again, pick again. Joey: Okay. Rachel: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! (Picks a card.) Oh! I know queen is high! Joey: Uh-huh, not as high as…(picks a card) It worked! King! Chandler: Yeah baby! Monica: But, we pick again! We pick again! Joey: Why?! Monica: I don’t know! Chandler: Tickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) That’s courtside baby! Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game. (He tries to congratulate them, but they pull away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back! Chandler: No they didn’t! [Scene: Ross’s apartment, Emily has packed as Ross returns.] Ross: Hey! Emily: I packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow. Ross: (laughs) Move in with me. Emily: What?! ……