Friends 604 The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is packing her belongings to move to Ross’s. She’s standing in the kitchen.] Rachel: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine? Monica: This bottle opener. (She grabs it off of the freezer door.) Rachel: And? Monica: And it’s a magnet! Rachel: Look at that! Ross: How weird is that? Y’know? You’re moving in with me and have the one thing I don’t have. It’s like uh, in a way you-you complete me (Phoebe glares at him) kitchen. Rachel: What?! Ross: (in an Australian accent) You complete me kitchen, matey! Phoebe: Ross, I know what you’re thinking. Ross: What? Phoebe: That she’s gonna move in with you and maybe then she’ll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you’re already married, she’ll just be happy. Y’know? You’re just, you’re very sad. Ross: Oh…my…God! I-I see what this is! You are in love with Rachel! Phoebe: What?!! Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you’re obsessed with her. It’s always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?" "When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her! Phoebe: No! (Ross’s phone rings.) Ross: (answering it) Uh-oh, saved by the bell. (On phone) Hello? [Cut to the living room where Monica is helping pack a box.] Monica: Hey Rach, aren’t these candlesticks (holds up a pair) mine? Rachel: No-no, I bought those. Monica: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot. Rachel: Yeah. (Rachel walks away.) Monica: (under her breath) That you’re a liar. (Hides the candlesticks in a drawer.) Ross: (on phone) No-no-no, that’s great! I’ll be there Monday. And thank you again! (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) (To All) Umm, that was the head of the Paleontology department at N uh, Y, uh U! Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say? Ross: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it. Rachel: Well, who wouldn’t?! Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it’s temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? "Professor Geller." Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs. Rachel: And Mrs.?! Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, y’know you and Ross are still married. Rachel: What?!! Phoebe: Just kidding! Rachel: Ohh! Oh God! (Laughs her way into the living room.) Phoebe: (To Ross) Saved your ass. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters dejectedly.] Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hi. Monica: Hey! Chandler: Oh, what’s the matter? Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see? Chandler: Yeah? Phoebe: Well, she told me that I’m gonna die this week, so I’m kinda bummed about that. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys don’t know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get. Monica: Phoebe that’s crazy! Joey: I can’t believe she would say that too you. Rachel: Yeah honey you don’t believe her do you? Phoebe: I don’t—she said y’know that I’d have triplets! But she also said one of them would be black. Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you’re gonna go? Phoebe: No, ‘cause she didn’t tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean I’ve only got a week left, y’know? I’ve really gotta start living now! (So she picks up the latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto magazine), leans back, and starts reading.) Ross: (entering) Hey everyone! Chandler: Oh hi! Ross: Hey uh, well, today’s my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do you mind? (They pause to think about it.) All: Oh that’d be great. Sure! Ross: (he starts reading directly from his cards word for word very quietly) "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct…" Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This what’s gonna kill me. Ross: (continuing) "…subcategories. The first of these subcategories is…" Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper? Ross: No! Why? Joey: Well, I’ve just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn’t have naked chicks on it. Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into…" Chandler: Why don’t you open with a joke? Ross: Open with a joke? It’s a university, not a comedy club! Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not talking about Chuckles University?! Ross: (gets up) Okay! All: Ohh! We’re kidding! Oh, we’re kidding! Rachel: Ross, hey you know what might make it less boring? Ross: Thank you! Rachel: Some uh, some visual aides. Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y’know what’s a good visual aide? Ross: Please don’t say naked chicks. Joey: Why not?! Ross: I-I-I don’t even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y’know what? I’m just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks. Chandler: That’s the way I did it ‘til I was 19. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.] Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey! Any good mail? Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor’s Guild. Joey: Ooh, it’s probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, I’m kinda…. Chandler: (opens and reads it) "Benefits lapsed." Joey: Hmm that’s weird. I don’t remember being in a move called benefits lapsed. Chandler: Okay, it’s not a check. They’re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn’t work enough last year. Joey: Let me see that! Chandler: All right. Joey: (reads it) Oh, I can’t believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y’know? And it wouldn’t matter. Now I gotta be careful?! Chandler: I’m sorry man, there’s never a good time to (pauses) stop catching on fire. Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I’m gonna go see my agent. Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street. Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) …look both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe enters to find Rachel still packing.] Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey Pheebs, you’re still alive! How are you doing? Phoebe: Ugh, it’s so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could—(Groans, hacks, and then freezes with her eyes open and her tongue hanging out.) Rachel: Pheebs, what-what are you doing? Phoebe: I was preparing you for my—didn’t you think I was dead? Did that not come off? Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we’d lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down? Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, y’know if you can. (Phoebe goes and lies down as Rachel opens the drawer Monica hid the candlesticks in and as Monica walks out of her room.) Rachel: Monica! Monica: Hmm? (Rachel holds up the candlesticks.) Rachel: Did-did you take these back? Monica: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself. Rachel: Oh yeah, they’re really great! Aren’t they? Monica: I loved them! Rachel: Yeah. (Monica walks away) Nice try! (Rachel puts them in a box.) Ross: (entering) Hello! Monica: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Monica: How’d the lecture go? Ross: It went great! And I didn’t need any jokes or naked chicks either! Rachel: Wow, that’s great Ross, I’m sorry we weren’t more supportive before. Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyone’s all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, I’m gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler. Monica: That you’re not funny or sexy? Ross: That’s right! [Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.] Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen… Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle! Joey: What are you talkin’ about? I never left you! You’ve always been my agent! Estelle: Really?! Joey: Yeah! Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul. Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance. Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control. Joey: Why? Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town. Joey: Bastard! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.] Chandler: Hey! Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and I’ll have my health insurance back in no time. Chandler: That’s great, but shouldn’t you be on the toilet right now? Joey: What?! Chandler: What’s wrong with you? Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious. Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you go to the doctor! Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.) Chandler: That’s a hernia. Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s! [Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica are arriving to talk to Ross after the lecture, but are there early.] Rachel: Well, we’re a little early, the lecture doesn’t end for 15 minutes. Monica: Yeah, but y’know we could sneak in and watch. Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There’s some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. (to them) Hey sisters! (They ignore her.) (To Monica) Wow, we really are bitches. (They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking in an English accent for some unknown reason.) Ross: (to the class) Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when—(sees Monica and Rachel.) Oh bloody hell. Commercial Break [Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is continued from earlier, only Ross has dismissed the class and is now talking to Monica and Rachel.] Monica: What the hell are you doing?! Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring! I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out. Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one. Ross: Will you-will you please? (Another professor walks down from the back of the lecture hall.) The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I’m a professor in the paleontology department here. Ross: Oh. The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture? Ross: (in his British accent) I’m sorry, I’ve got plans with my sister. Monica: (in an Irish accent) Monica Gellerrr. (She rolls her ‘R’) Ross: (in accent) Right, will you excuse us for one moment? (Takes Monica aside.) (In his normal voice.) What are you doing? Monica: (normal voice) Oh, you can have an accent and I can’t?! (To an exiting student in accent.) Top ‘O the morning to ya laddies! Ross: Just please stop! (They turn back to Rachel and Professor Rathman.) Rachel: (in an Indian accent) Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time of year. ……