介绍:
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there except for Rachel and Ross, who both come storming in. Rachel is still going off about Ross’s secret marriage.]
Rachel: I cannot believe that you didn’t tell me that we are still married!!
Ross: Look I was going to tell you!
Rachel: When?! After the birth of our first secret child?! (To All) Ross didn’t get the annulment; we are still married.
Chandler: What?
Monica: You’re kidding!
Phoebe: (overdoing it) Oh my God!!
Monica: Ross!
Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn’t my best decision. But I just couldn’t face another failed marriage.
Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?
Ross: Rach, come on, if you think about it, it’s actually kinda funny. (He laughs, and he laughs alone.) Okay, maybe it’s best not to think about it.
Phoebe: Okay, this is inexcusable. I am shocked to my very core!
Ross: Phoebe, I told her you already knew.
Phoebe: Another lie. You have a sickness!
Chandler: Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you’re not married to anymore of us are ya?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the counter getting some more coffee.]
Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcriber’s note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, I’d have the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey Gunther, these yours?
Gunther: Yeah, that’s what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years!
Joey: Na-uh! (To everyone there) Hey did anybody lose their keys?
Monica: Joey, why don’t you put them in the lost and found?
Joey: There’s a lost and found? (Gunther sets the box up on the table.) My shoe! (Grabs it out of the box.)
Chandler: You left a shoe here?!
Joey: Well, I didn’t realize until I got home. I wasn’t gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Y’know what? I’m gonna go find that guy’s car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.)
Chandler: Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I’ll be sure to give him your shoe.
Joey: Great! Thanks. (Exits.)
Phoebe: (coming in from the bathroom) Oh, good, good, you guys are here! Listen, how would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?!
Monica: Oh my God, what a fun day! That sounds great!
Chandler: (not enthused) Yeah, all right.
Phoebe: Okay, well I’ll bring them by tomorrow morning. Okay, and uh, by the way, they’re not actually puppies, they’re Frank and Alice’s triplets. Okay, see ya! (Exits.)
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! What?
Phoebe: (stops) Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh please! Please! Please! Frank and Alice asked me to baby sit the triplets and I’m nervous ‘cause I’ve never done that before by myself!
Monica: Don’t worry about it Phoebe, we’ll absolutely do it.
Chandler: Yeah, I’m gonna pass. ‘Cause I was kinda iffy when it was puppies.
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on! It’ll give us great practice for when—(realizes what she’s about to say and changes)—people with babies come to visit.
[Scene: The street down the block from Central Perk, Joey has found the Porsche and is writing the note.]
Guy #1: Nice car!
Joey: Yeah, it’s not mine.
Woman: (walking up) I love your car.
Joey: Yeah, it’s (looks up and sees the woman) mine.
Woman: I bet it’s fast.
Joey: Me too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do uh, do you like leather seats?
Woman: Yeah!
Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) It’s got ‘em!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are having tea.]
Rachel: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Ross’s, and I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now.
Phoebe: What about me? I just found out that Denise is leaving town for a while, I don’t have a roommate.
Rachel: Well, maybe-maybe I could be your roommate Pheebs.
Phoebe: Maybe you could be my roommate!
Rachel: Well there’s an idea!!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: That would be great! Wait, how long is Denise gone for?
Phoebe: Umm, she said she’d be back December 26th.
Rachel: December 26th, huh maybe she’s Santa Clause.
(Phoebe laughs, then stops to think about it. Ross enters.)
Rachel: (deadpan) Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye.
Ross: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. I’ll take care of everything.
Rachel: Well sure, if you say you’re gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! (Grabs them from him.) All right, now I’m gonna do this my way and I don’t want to hear a peep out of you!
Ross: Okay Rach, but…
Rachel: Op! You’re peeping!
(Ross grunts something and hands her the pen he was trying to hand her.)
Rachel: Ross! Y’know what, I just got—why? Why did you do this?!
Ross: Look I told you…
Rachel: I don’t wanna hear "Three failed marriages!"
Ross: Look, if you’d had two failed marriages, you’d understand!
Rachel: Well, y’know what? Thanks to you I’m half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I don’t think I have ever been this angry!
Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break?
Rachel: Ugh! (Stares at him.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are baby-sitting the triplets. They each have one baby.]
Monica: Pheebs, how’s it going?
Phoebe: (rapidly) I’m doing okay. I think it’s going well. Do you think they’re having fun? Am I talking to fast?
Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, it’s going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler.
Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. It’s times like these I’m glad Smell-O-Vision hasn’t been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When you’re done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)
Phoebe: Na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies.
Chandler: See that’s where I think that you’re wrong. We’ve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense.
Monica: What do you mean?
Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y’know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around… (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his finger.)
Phoebe: That sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping.
Chandler: Okay, I’m a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.
[Time lapse, they have set up a little assembly line for diaper changes. Phoebe wipes, Chandler adds the powder, begrudgingly, and Monica puts the diaper on.]
Monica: This is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.
Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey babies! Oh, I’m having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche I’ve got the keys too, still there!
Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the keys.
Joey: You should see the treatment I get when I’m with that car! People are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about my equity investments.
Chandler: What equity investments?
Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they’re gonna start to think that I don’t own it. So I figured I’ll wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?
Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound.
Chandler: You don’t even have a car!
Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it.
Chandler: And?
Monica: And six others.
Chandler: There you are.
[Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.]
Joey: Yeah, she tops out at 130.
Guy #2: Wow!
Joey: And that’s just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate.
Guy #2: Really! You got a place upstate?
Joey: Sure!
Guy #2: Well, I’ll see you later.
Joey: Okay, take it easy.
The Porsche Owner: Hey! That’s my car.
Joey: Really? Oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it.
The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing?
Joey: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now I’m just polishing her up.
The Porsche Owner: But it’s my car!
Joey: Yeah, but it’s my wax.
The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I don’t come to this city much so I don’t know if you’re crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys.
Joey: Sure. Here. (He hands them over.) I’ll uh, save your parking spot.
The Porsche Owner: I’m not coming back.
Joey: Why not?
The Porsche Owner: I live upstate.
Joey: Yeah, so did I.
(The guy gets in and drives off.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the triplets are all in their crib as Monica and Phoebe watch them.]
Phoebe: I don’t know why I was so nervous about this. And I don’t know why Frank and Alice are always complaining. This is so easy.
Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime that’s the same.
Chandler: (entering) Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog! (He holds up this Xena-like warrior action figure.)
Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? That thing can put someone’s eye out!
Chandler: He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe!
Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, that’s just gonna mess them up.
Chandler: They’re not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!
Phoebe: What?!
Chandler: Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies again.)
Phoebe: Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep.
Monica: Oh it’s so cute. I wonder what age it is when you stop being able to put both legs over your head.
Phoebe: Oh, I can still do that.
Monica: How are you still single?!
Chandler: (entering) All right. (Clears throat) I thought about it and maybe you’re right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy.
Monica: Good. What made you change your mind?
Chandler: I swallowed the sonic blaster gun.
Phoebe: How did that happen?!!
Chandler: Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Y’know? And it turns out I was wrong. And now it’s lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat trying to cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.)
Monica: Damnit! Y’know this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it again.)
[Scene: A judge’s chambers, Rachel and Ross are filing their annulment papers.]
Judge: Okay you two are asking the court for an annulment?
Rachel: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms, all filled out.
Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.
Ross: Fine, I’m mentally unstable.
Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack.
Ross: Crack isn’t even an intravenous drug!
Rachel: Well, you would know.
Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage?
Ross: Oh, come on!
Rachel: (starts to cry) Ross, please, I found the magazines!
Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you’re gay and addicted to heroin.
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