Friends 608 The One With Ross’s Teeth

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Chandler knocks on the front door. Joey answers the door.] Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hi, my name’s Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source? Joey: Sure, neighbor come on in. Chandler: So, is Janine around? Joey: Uh, no, she’s at dance class. Chandler: Can I check out what she did to my room? Joey: Yeah, but, hey look, don’t go through her stuff. She gets really mad.(Chandler gives him a look and walks to the door of his old room.) Chandler: (The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th… it’s like a guy never lived in here. Look, you’ve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) It’s spreading already. Joey: (Looking around the room.) It is??? Chandler: (Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch? Joey: No. Chandler: (Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little box, that’s too small to put anything in? Joey: No. Chandler: No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go, you’re going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff. Joey: (With Big Eyes.) All right, you’re right. I’ll talk to her. Chandler: Yes talk to her. Be a man. Joey: I’m a man. Chandler: Defend yourself. Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.) Monica: Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle. Chandler: Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, The gangs all here. Monica is walking in.] Monica: Hey guys. Chandler: Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary? Monica: It was okay. She’s still kind of depressed because she broke up with her boyfriend. Chandler: Ohh, yeah. Ross: Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant chef Hillary? Monica: Yeah. Ross: The one that always stares at me when I come in? Monica: No, the one who looked at you once because you got in her way. Ross: Still I could tell. She was into me. (Joey rolls his eyes.) Well, why don’t you set us up? Rachel: Ohh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress? Phoebe: (Walking over and Sitting down.) Hey. Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: I’m, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdale’s and use the copy machine. Rachel: Well, sure, but they might think it’s kinda weird considering I don’t work there anymore. Phoebe: Oh my God. What happened? Rachel: I-I, got a job at Ralph Lauren. Phoebe: Well that’s great! Congratulations!! (She hugs Rachel.) Rachel: Yeah. (chuckling) A year ago.. Phoebe: (Hugging her again.) You’ve lasted a whole year. Good for you. Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesn’t see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesn’t like me very much. Chandler: That’s weird. I don’t think my boss likes me either. Monica: I don’t think mine likes me either. Ross: Maybe it’s a universal thing? Joey: Or maybe, it’s because you’re hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday. (Everybody gets up.) Chandler: Yeah let’s head off to work. Monica: We should go. [Scene: Rachel’s office, Phoebe hands Rachel a key card.] Phoebe: Thank you. Rachel: Sure. Phoebe: Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in. Rachel: Oh my God. Did you talk to him? Phoebe: Yeah a little. He seems really nice. Good kisser. Rachel: What? What!?! You kissed him? Phoebe: Totally. Rachel: (Gasps) Phoebe are you serious? Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, we’re making out. You know. Rachel: Phoebe, I mean, you do know he’s married? Phoebe: No! Rachel: Phoebe… Phoebe: What am I supposed to do? Ask every guy I make out with if he’s married? (Rachel looks at her.) No, yeah, I should. [Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey stares at a picture of a bay on the wall. Janine comes out of her room.] Janine: Hey Joey. Joey: Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second? This, uh, kid in this picture. Do you, uh, know this kid? Is that like a relative or something? Janine: No, I just thought it was cute. Joey: Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of.. Okay, uhh…Look Janine I really want you to feel at home here, but some of this new stuff. It’s…too girly. Janine: Ohh. Like what? Joey: Like this. (pointing to the picture) Pictures of cute babies we don’t know. We..we can’t have that. Janine: Joey, it’s Anne Geddes. She’s a famous artist. Joey: Look I don’t know this baby. I don’t know if she’s a famous artist or not. You know, and I don’t want to be a jerk but you’re changing too much around here. Janine: Well, I’m sorry. I just thought I’d try to make the place a little nicer. Joey: Yeah but it’s too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can. Janine: Well I just thought… Joey: I’m sure it’s a famous watering can, okay. But, come on…and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom? Janine: It’s a curling iron. Joey: Ohh, well, that’s ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. It’s up here on some hook..and…smells different. Janine: It’s clean. Joey: Yeah, well, it feels different. Janine: It’s dry. Joey: Alright, I can make my peace with the clean dry towels…Also what is with these chips you bought? Janine: No no no no, it’s potpourri. You’re supposed to smell it. (Joey takes a big whiff of the potpourri.) Joey: (Voice cracking) Well that’s like summer in a bowl. [Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Rachel gets on her boss Kim is there.] Rachel: Oh, Kim, Hi. (Kim doesn’t even look up from her report.) Kim: Uhh-huh. Rachel: So you know, I…I handed in that marketing report and I never got to hear what you thought. Kim: I didn’t read it. Rachel: Ahh….So…Wow…The spring line, it’s really going to be great this year, huh? Kim: Yeah. Rachel: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room. (Kim stops the elevator and turns to Rachel.) Kim: Tell me everything. [Scene; Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch. Ross walks in.] Ross: Hey guys. Chandler and Monica: Hey. Ross: What’s up? (He smiles. His teeth are freakishly white.) Chandler: You know…Oh My God. Monica: What happened to your teeth. Ross: I whitened them. Chandler: (Sarcastically) Really. Ross: Yeah. What do you think. Monica: Well, I think I shouldn’t look directly at them. Ross: Come on, seriously. Monica: Ross they’re really, really, really white. Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old…human teeth. Ross: Ahh, I-I did leave the gel on a little longer then it said to. Monica: How much longer? Ross: A-A day. Monica: Ross you know that tonight is your date with Hillary? Ross: I know. That’s why I did it. (With a big smile) Come on, are they really that bad? Chandler: No, no no no. You’ll be fine. (turning to Monica) Hillary’s bind, right? Monica: She will be after tonight. Chandler: Yeah. (Rachel walks in.) Ross: Oh, hey, hey Rach, do you notice anything..ahh… Rachel: Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. (Sitting down on the couch.) You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Chandler: What??? Monica: Oh my god. Rachel: Yeah I know. She ran into him at my office and they just…made out. And the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it was the best gossip she’d heard all year. Chandler: I am proud of all my friends today. Monica: My God, Rachel, I can’t believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Ohh, I’m so jealous. (Chandler looks at her.) Chandler: Hi, I’m Chandler. Your live-in boy Monica: Chandler, please, come on. Look at him. (Pointing to a picture of Ralph on a magazine,.) Chandler: Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of her flyer and sees the picture of Ralph.) Ohh, who’s the silver fox? Rachel: That-that is your make out buddy. Don’t you recognize him? (Holding up the magazine in front of her face.) Oh wait. Ohh, Phoebe I love you. Kiss me please. Phoebe: That’s not Ralph Lauren. Sounds like him though. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Yeah, no, Ralph doesn’t look anything like that guy. He’s-he’s young and he’s got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack. Rachel: Oh My God, Phoebe, that’s not Ralph Lauren. That’s Kenny the copy guy. Phoebe: What? Rachel: Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. Phoebe!! Phoebe: Why would the copy guy say he was Ralph Lauren? Rachel: To get you to make out with him!!! Phoebe: Ohhh. [Scene: Ross’s Apartment, Ross and Monica are there.] Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that don’t work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple. Ross: I don’t know what I’m going to do. That date starts in like an hour. Monica: Hey Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter. Your teeth wouldn’t look so bright. Ross: Oh great. So all I need to do is get some new skin. Thank you. Monica: I’m just saying, if we put just a little bit of makeup on you. Ross: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. We’re not 13 anymore. Monica: Ross this is the only thing left that has a shot at working. Ross: But, won’t she notice I have makeup on? Monica: Please. Half the guys out there have makeup on. Ross: What?? Monica: All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see. Ross: No. I am not putting on makeup. (Knock at the door. Phoebe enters.) Phoebe: Hello. Oh good. Ross could you put up some of these flyers for me? (He smiles at her.) OH!! Demon!! Demon!! [Scene: Chandler’s and Monica’s apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.] Monica: Now are drawers will smell nice and we didn’t waste these pantyhose. Chandler: Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I’m going to go over to Joey’s. Monica: Wait, we’re supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer. Chandler: Yes, but I feel like I’ve really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think we’re two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple. Monica: You know what? This has been kind of a girlie day. You’re right, I’m sorry. Chandler: Nah, Nah, it’s okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing. Monica: Yeah. Go over to Joey’s. Go over to Joey’s and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall. Chandler: You know when guys hang out they don’t just drink some beer and hammer up drywall? Monica: When girls hang out, we don’t have pillow fights in our underwear. (Chandler gets a hurt look on his face.) I’m sorry. We do. We do. I don’t know why I said that. [Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the kitchen counter.] Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. We’re knitting pot holders. Chandler: No thanks, Josephine. [Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.] Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if… Oh my God!! Where are all the men??? [Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.] Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if… Oh my God!! Where are all the men???