Friends 713 The One Where Rosita Dies

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to move Joey’s chair and not having much luck at it as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Joey: What are you doing? Rachel: Well, y’know I was thinking of moving the couch over here. Joey: (laughs) Why would you want to do that? Rachel: So that there will be a decent place for me to sit. Joey: Rach, there is a decent place to… Rachel: And your lap does not count! Okay? Come on help me move this. Joey: No. No. No. Rachel: No? Joey: No. Rosita does not move. Rachel: I’m sorry, Rosita? As in… Joey: As in Rosita does not move. Rachel: Joey, it’s just a chair! What’s the big deal? Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it’s at the perfect angle so you don’t get any glare coming of off Stevie. Rachel: Stevie the TV? Joey: (glaring at her) Is there a problem? Rachel: No! (Joey sets his beer and bag of chips down and heads into his room.) Oh what does he know! Come on Rosita, us chichas got to stick together! (She tries pulling on the back of the chair, until the hinge breaks and the back falls off.) You bitch! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are on the couch talking. Phoebe is getting coffee.] Ross: Hey, y’know what’s weird? After you guys get married, when you introduce me to people you’re gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-law Ross." Not, "My friend Ross," "brother-in-law Ross." That’s weird isn’t it? Chandler: Couldn’t I just say, "This is Ross?" Ross: (disappointed) Sure, do whatever you want. (Phoebe sits down between Chandler and Ross.) Monica: (entering, carrying a newspaper) Hey Ross! So, I was checking out the uh, real estate section… Ross: Yeah? Monica: Look at this. (Hands him the newspaper.) Ross: Oh, it looks like mom and dad’s house. Oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic is…Oh my God!! Phoebe: What? What happened to the window in the attic?! Monica: I can’t believe mom and dad are selling the house! Ross: I can’t believe they-they didn’t even tell us! Phoebe: I can’t believe I still don’t know what happened to the window in the attic! (Ross calls his parents on his cell phone.) Ross: (on phone) Uh, hello dad! Monica and I just saw the house in the paper! (Listens) Yes we’re surprised! (Listens) Who did you leave a message with? Chandler: (knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is examining the injury to Rosita while Rachel is apologizing to him.] Rachel: Joey, Joey I am so sorry. Joey: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, and you said don’t, and I did it anyway and her head fell off? Rachel: Okay, come on—Joey, I’ll buy you a new one! All right? We’ll go down to the store right now and we’ll-we’ll get you a new chair. Joey: (slowly turning and glaring at her) She’s not even cold yet! Rachel: But don’t you think Rosita would’ve wanted you to move on? I mean y’know, she did always put…your comfort first. Joey: That’s true. (Rachel turns for the door and makes the "Wow!" face.) Rachel: (grabbing her coat) Okay? You ready? Joey: Yeah, I… (Shuts off the TV.) I don’t want Stevie to see her like this. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Monica are still going on about the house.] Ross: I can’t believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in. Man, some-some stranger’s gonna be living in my room. Monica: Well, after 15 years of mom and dad keeping it as a shrine to you, it’s time the velvet ropes came down. Ross: They kept your room for a while. Monica: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria’s Secret catalogues, not a gym! Ross: Come on, you know they love you. Monica: As much as they love you? Ross: I was their first born! They thought she was barren! It’s not my fault. Phoebe: (entering) Hey. Ross: Hey. Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Ugh, I hate this year! Ross: What’s wrong with this year? Phoebe: Well okay, it’s already February and I’ve only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world! Monica: That was me and Ross. Phoebe: Oh that’s right! Ross: Hey, y’know if you want to pick up some extra cash? Some friends of mine made good money doing telemarketing. Monica: Oh that’s a great idea. You’re really good on the phone. Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. Y’know, I probably wouldn’t have to say spank as much. (Monica and Ross are shocked.) Ross: What? Phoebe: Oh yeah, like you never called! [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is getting shown to her desk by the supervisor.] Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can. Phoebe: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office. Supervisor: (laughs) Why don’t we do a trial run. Phoebe: Oh okay. Umm, all right. (Picks up the phone and starts reading from the script.) Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? Supervisor: I’m the supply manager. Phoebe: Umm, okay I would like to talk to you about your toner needs. Supervisor: We don’t need any toner. Phoebe: Oh okay, well I’m sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. (Hangs up the phone.) Yeah you’re right, this is easy. Supervisor: Okay, what was wrong with that call? Phoebe: Oh well, all right…um, no offense, but you were kind of rude. Supervisor: They’re always going to tell you they don’t need toner, but that’s okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script. Phoebe: Oh. Supervisor: So, I think you’re ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions? Phoebe: No. (Pause) Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is entering.] Chandler: Joey! Joe! (Sees that he’s not here and starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beer’s still cold. Something terrible must’ve happened here! (He decides it’s not that important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.) [Scene: Ross and Monica’s parent’s garage, Ross and Monica are arriving to go through their things. Mr. Geller is in the garage.] Ross: Dad? Mr. Geller: I’m here! Ross: (entering with Monica) Hey! Mr. Geller: Hi. God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work. Ross: Dad, we-we can’t believe you’re selling the house. Mr. Geller: Well, it’s time for a new family to start their memories here and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling. Ross: (To Monica) Let’s grab our stuff and get the hell out of here. Mr. Geller: I’m sorry we can’t store your childhood things anymore. Monica: Oh, that’s okay, I can’t wait to see everything again! All of the memories… Mr. Geller: Well, I don’t know what’s in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic. Monica: I used to love to play restaurant. Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater. Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies! (She goes to the attic.) Mr. Geller: So, I think you’re boxes are over here. (They walk over to them.) Ross: Wow! Great! (Finds a pack of cigarettes.) Wait, dad who-who’s cigarettes are these? Mr. Geller: I don’t know. They-they must be your mother’s, but please, please don’t ask her. I’ll throw these away. (He puts them in his pocket as Ross finds something of interest in one of his boxes.) Ross: Cool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check this out dad, (reading his grades) Math, A. Science, A. History, A. Gym…(He puts it away and finds something else.) Oooh, my rock polisher! Mr. Geller: Oh look, look there’s your old makeup kit! Ross: It’s a clown kit! Clown kit! Mr. Geller: Well, the white seems to be untouched. (He throws it back into the box as Mr. Geller moves a tarp and makes a discovery.) Uh-oh. Ross: What? Mr. Geller: Y’know how the garage floods every Spring? Ross: How are you ever going to sell this place? Mr. Geller: I think I accidentally used Monica’s boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche. Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What…(He goes to open one of her boxes and it rips apart.) Oh God…everything’s ruined! Dad, she’s gonna be crushed! Mr. Geller: You don’t secretly smoke do you? Ross: No! Mr. Geller: So it’s just your mother then. [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is hard at work.] Phoebe: (on phone) Hi, this Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? (Listens) Earl, thanks. (Listens) Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies I’d like to talk to you about your toner needs. (She’s reading from the script.) [Cut to Earl’s office, who is played by Jason Alexander, George from Seinfeld. They cut back and forth between Phoebe’s and Earl’s offices with each of their lines.] Earl: I don’t need any toner. Phoebe: I’m hearing what you’re saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner. Earl: Not me. Phoebe: May I ask why? Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why? Phoebe: I surely do! Earl: Okay, I don’t need any toner because I’m going to kill myself. (Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted response to that line.) Phoebe: (doesn’t have any luck) Umm, is-is that because you’re out of toner? Commercial Break [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still talking to Earl.] Earl: Okay, so…no toner today. Thanks anyway, bye-bye. Phoebe: No-no wait-wait! I can’t just let you hang up! Just please talk to me. Earl: Well…I only have one thing to do today. (He looks at his board in his office that reads, "Today’s Tasks: KILL SELF.") I guess I could push it back. Phoebe: Yeah! Now, why do you want to kill yourself? Earl: It’s just that I uh, have been working for ten years now at this meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows I exist! Phoebe: Chandler? Earl: I-I’m sorry? Phoebe: No look, I-I’m sure that people know you exist! Earl: Oh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people. I’ve been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no one’s even looked up from their desk. Hang-hang on. (To the people standing around his cubicle.) Hey everybody! Uh, I’m gonna kill myself! (There’s no response; no one even looks up.) I’ll get back to ya. (To Phoebe) I got nothing. Wait. (He sets the phone down.) Uh, hey Marge! (Mimes putting a gun to his head, pulling the trigger, and splattering his brain on the wall behind him. Then points to himself. Marge watches this, then goes back to work.) (To Phoebe) Ehh, nothing. Nothing. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler has replaced Rosita with his chair.] Chandler: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.) Rachel: You will like it! Joey: No I won’t. (Chandler runs to check on them coming up the stairs.) Rachel: You don’t even know! Joey: Because, I know what I like and what I don’t like! It’s not the same thing! (Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his apartment and quickly starts pushing the base into his apartment.) Rachel: Well look, if you don’t like this…(The audience’s laughter at Chandler’s progress cuts out the rest of Rachel’s line.) Joey: I don’t know why you say that so soon. (Joey and Rachel reach the landing just as Chandler closes the door.) ……