介绍:
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is knocking on Rachel’s door, whose door frame is decorated with balloons. The rest of the gang is there as well. Rachel opens the door and the gang blow on noisemakers.]
Ross: Happy birthday!!!
Monica: Happy birthday!!!
(Rachel glares at them and goes back into her room, closing her door.)
All: Rach! Come on! Rach!
Monica: It’s your birthday!
Tag: (entering from her room) Hey.
Chandler: (To Monica) She’s not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you don’t use the words old or downhill or (To Joey) they still look pretty damn good. (Joey smiles and everyone glares at him.)
Joey: They do!
Phoebe: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast!
Monica: Chocolate-chip pancakes!
(There is no response from Rachel.)
Ross: We’ve got presents!
(She opens the door.)
Rachel: Good ones?
Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.
Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
Joey: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal.
Ross: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you turned thirty?
[Flashback to Joey’s thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and Chandler’s apartment.]
Joey: (screaming) Why God?!! Why?!! We had a deal!! Let the others grow old! Not me!! (He buries his head in Phoebe’s lap for comfort.)
[Cut back to Rachel’s party, everyone is now eating breakfast, except Rachel.]
Rachel: Y’know, I’m still 29 in Guam.
Ross: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is?
Rachel: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this?
Chandler: No Rach, it’s not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn’t that much fun.
[Flashback to Chandler’s thirtieth birthday party. It is also being held in Monica and his apartment. He is about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.]
Joey: (screaming) And now Chandler! We’re all gettin’ so old! (Looking up) Why are you doing this to us?! (Turns away crying.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, breakfast is finished but Rachel’s still down.]
Monica: Rach, you’re in a great place in your life. Come on, you’ve got a great job! Good friends…
Joey: Yeah, you’re roommate is a soap opera star.
Rachel: Look, y’know I know my life’s going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who’ve accomplished so many other goals by the time they’re thirty.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you shouldn’t compare yourself to me.
[Flashback to: The Street in front of Central Perk, Ross and Joey are holding a yellow tape across the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she bounces around the corner on a hippity-hop.]
All: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe! Come on!
Rachel: There you go!
(She crosses the line and they all cheer again.)
Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That’s it!! That’s everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!! (They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and Monica look intrigued and as they all head into Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity-hop that Phoebe left behind.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean, old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty!
Tag: Come on, let’s have some fun. Huh? (To Rachel) What do you want to do today?
Rachel: Nothing. I don’t want to do anything.
Monica: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something stupid, like Ross.
Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Okay? I-I have a child!
[Flashback to: A street, Ross is sitting in his newly purchased MGB. Which is one of the better British sports cars ever made. Of course, ‘better’ is a relative term. Which reminds me of a joke. Why don’t the British make computers? Because they couldn’t figure out how to make them leak oil. Anyway, the gang is all staring at his new purchase.]
Ross: How hot do I look in this, huh?!
Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
Ross: That’s not what this is about okay? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars.
Joey: Hey, what’s the horsepower on this thing?
Ross: (giddy) I don’t know, but-but look how shiny!
Monica: I can’t believe you bought this.
Rachel: Really! God Ross, what were you thinking? (To Phoebe, quietly) I know it’s really shallow, but a part of me wants him again.
Phoebe: Oh, well get in line missy. (To Ross) So, can I have a ride stud?
Ross: Hop in. (Phoebe hops in.) Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.
(He starts the car and surprisingly in fires right up and comes to a nice idle. (Both can be rarities with British sports cars with their lovely Lucas ignition systems, which tend not to work especially in the rain.) Anyway, this being New York he is parallel parked on a street with the car in front of him only inches ahead of his bumper, likewise with the car behind him. He’s completely boxed in and can’t move more than two inches. He tries to get out several times by bumping the bumpers of both cars to no avail.)
Ross: Damnit! (Shuts the car off.)
Phoebe: (getting out) Okay, who’s next?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is pouring Rachel some coffee.]
Rachel: Y’know what? I am going to do something today. I’m not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I’m gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something.
Phoebe: Really?! ‘Cause y’know that hurts.
Rachel: So what?! Y’know what? The way I see it—(Phoebe pulls out a hair from the back of her head)—Ow! Son of a bitch!!
Tag: Look Rachel, I know what you’re going through. I’m totally freaked about turning 25.
Rachel: (glares at him) Get out, get out of my apartment.
Monica: All right Rach, for what it’s worth, I think that you’re doing great. I mean y’know let’s face it, no one handles this well.
Phoebe: Least of all you.
Tag: Why? What you’d do?
Monica: Weren’t you asked to leave sonny?
[Flashback to Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.]
Chandler: (To Joey) Would you put that back on?! Monica’s gonna be here any minute!
Joey: But it hurt’s my Joey’s Apple.
Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time. It’s not named for each individual man.
(Joey walks away and Mr. and Mrs. Geller walk up. Mr. Geller is wearing this ancient velvet tuxedo.)
Mrs. Geller: (To Chandler) You’ve done a wonderful job with this party Chandler. Everything looks so lovely.
Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can’t believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I can’t believe that you would have a tux that’s thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Geller’s shoulder.)
Mr. Geller: It’s older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.
Chandler: Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.)
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She’s coming!
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)
Mr. Geller: Crap.
(We hear some fumbling at the door, then silence.)
Chandler: (getting up to investigate) Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what’s going on.
(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachel’s door.)
Monica: Heyyy!! You got the door open!! (Giggles.)
Chandler: Hey-hey are you drunk?
Monica: Nooo! (Giggles) Okay. (She tries to pull herself up by Rachel and Joey’s doorknob, but the door opens and she almost falls into the their apartment. She manages to catch herself.) Whoa! (Stands up, unsteadily) Okay. See I was, I was a little nervous about turning (whispering) thirty. (Giggles.) So the bus boys took me out for some drinks. (Pause) I wanna puke on you later!
Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!
Monica: Noo!!!
Chandler: Yes!
Monica: Noo!!
Chandler: Yes!!
Monica: Oh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! (Pause) That they know of.
Chandler: Okay, here’s the thing. We’re gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you’re drunk.
Monica: Really?! You promise?
Chandler: Yeah, I’ll take care of it.
Monica: Okay. I love you so much. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: (laughing) Okay we have to do something about your breath.
Monica: What about your breath?! (Breathes on him.)
Chandler: That’s still yours. Okay, now remember it’s a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised.
Monica: Okay. I can do that.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.)
All: Surprise!!!
(Monica screams and they all stare at her.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross’s birthday, Joey is now trying to get his car out while Ross is directing him.]
Ross: Okay, forward. Forward—Stop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Okay, back—Stop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay, forward—Stop! Stop! Stop!
Monica: Ross, just forget about it. This guy’s got you totally wedged in.
(A beautiful woman approaches.)
Woman: (To Joey) Is this yours?
Joey: Well actually…
Ross: No-no-no! It’s mine! It’s-it’s mine. (The woman walks away.)
Joey: Dude, you soooo need this car.
Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Okay, I’m gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)
(The rest of the gang runs away, except for Ross who’s tramped inside his car. To hide he puts the top up as Monica, Rachel, and Joey come running past.)
[Scene: Phoebe’s birthday, she’s taking the hippity-hop to Ursula’s apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity-hop.) It’s for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Phoebe: Because it’s our thirtieth birthday.
Ursula: Yeah, no we’re not thirty. We’re 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
Ursula: Oh, it’s you.
Phoebe: Yeah. What?!
Ursula: Yeah, we’re not thirty, we’re 31.
Phoebe: Nu-uh!
Ursula: Yea-huh! That’s what is says on my birth certificate.
Phoebe: You have your birth certificate?
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Phoebe: Our mom.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)
Phoebe: Do you have my birth certificate?
Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Phoebe: (reading the certificate) Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31.
Ursula: Yeah.
Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Phoebe: Your middle name is Pamela?
Ursula: Yes.
Phoebe: Well, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is?
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Phoebe: That’s my first name.
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