Friends 802 The One With The Red Sweater

Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out.] Rachel: Listen y’know what sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little! Joey: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night? Joey: No. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it to Joey who gets mad.) I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill! (Chandler and Monica enter.) Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! We’re checking out of the bridal suite. Monica: (depressed) That’s right. I’m no longer a bride. I’ll never be a bride again. Now, I’m just someone’s wife! Chandler: And I’m the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on don’t be upset. We still have so much to look forward to! Monica: Oh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.) Chandler: We got the honeymoon. Monica: That’s not ‘til Thursday. Chandler: The wedding pictures? Monica: They won’t be ready for weeks. Chandler: Not the disposable cameras from the tables. Monica: That’s true! (Happily) I knew I married you for a reason! Chandler: I’ll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home. Monica: Okay. (Joey giggles.) Chandler: What? What did you take a picture of? Joey: Nothing! It was something. Chandler: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet? Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not ‘til noon and he has a good (checks her watch) eleven minutes left. Chandler: Oh. Monica: Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to. Rachel: Yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y’know, he screamed out Radisson at the end. Chandler: Okay, well I’m gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You’re 32! (Exits) Front Desk Clerk: (To Monica) Here’s a copy of your bill. Monica: Oh thanks. (Reading the bill) Champagne, strawberries…Oh my God! I can’t believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night! Joey: Yeah, that’s sad. Mashuga nut? Opening Credits [Scene: Ross’s Hotel Room, he is letting Chandler in.] Ross: Hi. Chandler: Hey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff? Ross: Why not? It’s built into the price of the room. Chandler: Yeah but you don’t need—(Picks up something)—What is this? Ross: Thread! Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras? Ross: What disposable cameras? Chandler: The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them? Ross: No you didn’t. Chandler: Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said… Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" (Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did that. Chandler: So you don’t have the cameras?! Ross: No. Sorry man. Chandler: So? What? What? They’re gone! Monica’s gonna freak! Ross: Well, I’m sure they’re still somewhere here in the hotel. I’ll-I’ll help you look for them. Chandler: Great. Ross: In-in three minutes. (Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting in front of a mound of wedding gifts.] Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler? Monica: No! (Pause) But, they’re callin’ out to me! I mean this little guy (Holds up a small one) even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn’t mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is? Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman. (Monica opens it anyways.) Monica: A tiny salt shaker!!! Phoebe: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt! Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Well that was fun. Phoebe: Oh yeah. Monica: Good. Okay, I’m just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of them. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Whew. Although y’know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I mean… I guess y’know it may just count as a half a present. What do you think? Phoebe: Well I guess it’s okay to open one more if it’s part of a set. Y’know, it’s probably this one. (Grabs another small one.) Monica: Or this one! (She grabs and starts to open the biggest present.) Rachel: (entering) Hi. Monica: Hey, how are you feelin’? Any morning sickness? Rachel: Shh-shh-shh! The guys don’t know yet do they? Monica: No! Joey and Ross don’t know anything and Chandler still thinks that Phoebe’s pregnant. Phoebe: Yeah that’s right Chandler does still think I’m pregnant. He hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.) After you of course. Rachel: Don’t worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, ‘cause I’m going to tell the father today. Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor? Rachel: Ew! No! Phoebe: What?! I think he’s cute. Rachel: Well then you have his baby. Phoebe: Believe me I’m trying. Monica: Wow. Y’know it is so weird. I mean, you’re gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea what’s gonna happen. Phoebe: Yeah. You’re just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever. You’re like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism. Rachel: Yeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news. Phoebe: Pretty big? It’s huge! God, this guy doesn’t have a clue! He’s just walking down the street thinking, ‘I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!’ then bam! He’s a father and everything’s different. Rachel: Well it’s only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I’m not gonna ask him for anything. Phoebe: Okay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he’s walking around thinking, ‘Do I want to be a dad?’ and then bam! Monica: What was that bam? Phoebe: I don’t. He got…he-he-he-he’s hit by a bus. Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant? Joey: (warily) Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut! Rachel: Oh Joey! Joey! No, it’s not you! You didn’t get anybody pregnant! Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? (Pause.) Is somebody pregnant? Phoebe: Oh yeah. That’s me. Joey: Oh my God Pheebs! You’re gonna have a baby? Phoebe: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I’m gonna have a baby! (Joey and Phoebe hug.) Joey: Whoa, wait a minute. Who’s the father? Phoebe: You don’t know him. It’s not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She sits down like she’s pregnant.) Joey: Well who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he? ‘Cause I will track him down and kick his ass! Phoebe: David Lynn. Joey: David Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!! (Exits) Monica: Who’s David Lynn? Phoebe: Oh some guy from my gym. A little annoying. [Scene: The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters.] Ross: Chandler? Chandler: Hey! Did you find the cameras? Ross: No. Did you? Chandler: Yes! And that’s why I’m under the table. Celebrating. Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-one’s turned them. Chandler: Well this is great. Y’know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she’s really depressed. Ross: Now you guys just got married, why is she so depressed? Chandler: All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can’t believe I screwed this up! Ross: I’m sorry man. (Formally dressed people start to enter.) Here’s a thought. This is the same ballroom. There’s a band. There’s gonna be plenty of dressed up people. Chandler: Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away? Ross: No-no-no, I’m saying we-we buy more of this (disposable cameras) at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else’s faces. Chandler: Are you serious? Ross: I’m just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you really want to start your life together by letting her down? Chandler: Marriage advice? Really?! Ross: I’m telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren’t these the same flowers? Chandler: I don’t know, Monica picked out the flowers. Ross: What about the chairs? Chandler: She picked those out too. Ross: How about the place settings? Chandler: That was her. Ross: What did you do? Chandler: I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop? Ross: Hmm. (They head off to the gift shop.) [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet? Rachel: Not yet. Phoebe: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? (Gasps) Is it Gunther? Rachel: No! Phoebe, it’s not Gunther. Phoebe: Thank God, ‘cause that hair on a baby… Rachel: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I haven’t told him yet and I don’t think I can tell him at all now! Phoebe: Why not? Rachel: I don’t know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, ‘I’m gonna tell the father today’ and then bam! Phoebe: Bus? Rachel: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is! Phoebe: Well-well but it is huge. Rachel: I know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I didn’t even go to how huge this was going to be for the father. Phoebe: You’re thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. It’s like, it’s like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of…See? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has now opened more of the wedding gifts.] Joey: (entering) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents? Monica: No! No! I shouldn’t have even opened these! I mean I—Joey I am out of control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay? Joey: Okay. Monica: Give me one more. Joey: Okay. (Hands her one.) Phoebe: (entering) Hey. Joey: Oh good, uh you’re here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got something I want to say. Phoebe: All right. (She sits down like she’s pregnant again.) Joey: Umm, now uh… It’s a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Y’know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so… (He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me? Monica: Oh my God! Joey! Phoebe: Hell yeah! I’ll marry you! (She grabs the ring and puts it on.) Monica: You can’t marry him! Phoebe: Hey lady, your day’s over! It’s my turn! Monica: Phoebe! Joey: Why?! Why can’t she marry me?! Phoebe: I can and I will! (Kisses him.) Monica: She’s not pregnant. It’s Rachel. Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant. Joey: Oh my God. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didn’t have a baby in nine months! Phoebe: It’s Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths ‘I love you’ to him.) Joey: (smiles then stops) Now I can’t believe it! What? Rachel’s pregnant? (The girls nod yes.) Who’s the father? Phoebe: We don’t know. Joey: Ohh… I wonder if that dude. Monica: There’s a dude? Joey: Yeah. Phoebe: Who? Who is it? ……