Friends 907 The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song

SCENE: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is playing with Emma on the couch after just changing her diaper. Ross: And that's why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break. (baby talk.) Yes we were! Yes we were! (picks Emma up.) Come here gorgeous. (puts her on his knees and talks to her.) Oh! Look at you! You are the cutest little baby ever! You're just a... a little bitty baby, you know that? But you've got... (in a softer voice.) You've got big beautiful eyes... Yes you do... and a... and a big round belly. (emphasises the B's.) Big baby butt! I like big butts. (raps.) I like big butts and I cannot lie / you other brothers can't deny / when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty, waist / and a round thing in your face you get...(Emma laughs.) Oh my God, Emma... you're laughing! Oh my God, you've never done that before, have you? You never done that before... Daddy made you laugh, huh? Well, daddy and Sir Mix Alot... What? What? You... you wanna hear some more? Uhm...(raps.) My anaconda don't want none / unless you got buns hon... (Emma laughs again and Ross looks worried.) I'm a terrible father! OPENING CREDITS SCENE: Central Perk. Joey sits at a table and Chandler and Monica enter. Chandler: Hi! Joey: Hey... hey listen... What do you guys know about investments? Chandler: How come? Joey: Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show and I'm thinking... I should probably do something with it. Monica: What do you do with your money now? Joey: Well, I just tape it to the back of my toilet tank. (realises that anyone could have overheard that.) I didn't say that! It's in a bank guarded by robots! Chandler: Do you have any ideas? Joey: Uh, yeah... This guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu farm. That'd be kinda cool huh? Pitching in on the weekends, helping to plant the emus... Monica: Joe... Emus are birds. You raise them for meat. Joey:(laughs.) Yeah! Right! (points at Monica.) People eat birds... Bird meat... Now do they just fly into your mouth or you go to... you go to a restaurant and you say: "Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird. " (laughs again.) Or... or maybe just a wing or... (realises....) Monica: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment. The Fed just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. (looks at Chandler.) That's right, I know some stuff! Joey: Real estate, huh? Hmmm... Monica:(very excited.) Oh, and you know who's selling a great apartment? Richard! Chandler:(imitating Monica.) Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica! Monica: My dad told me. They play golf together. Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some time. I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face. SCENE: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Rachel and Monica are sitting at the dinner table and Phoebe enters, knocking on the door. Phoebe: Hi! Rachel and Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Listen! You have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight! (Rachel gasps.) Monica: Wow, the boyfriend's parents! That's a big step. Phoebe:(sarcastically.) Really? That hadn't occurred to me. Monica: They just gonna love you, just be yourself. Phoebe: They live on the upper east side on Park Avenue! Rachel: Oh yeah, she can't be herself. Phoebe: Okay, so... all right... Which dress? (she holds up two 'Phoebe' dresses, Rachel and Monica look at them... taking their time, don't wanting to hurt Phoebe.) You can say "neither". Rachel and Monica: Oh God, neither! Monica: I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take you shopping. It's gonna be fine. Rachel: Yeah, totally! You are in such good hands. And I'm so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit, but not in a gross way. Just kind of like: "Oh Mr. Pincer, I can see where Wallis gets his good looks..." Monica: You went out with Wallis Pincer? Rachel: Uh, he took the SAT's for me. Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400! Rachel: Sssh yeah, well, duh! I mean... Phoebe: So... now... What about with Mike's mom? Rachel: Oh, with the mother, just... just constantly tell her how amazing her son is. Take it from me, moms love me. Ross's mom one time actually said I'm like the daughter that she never had. Monica:(Monica looks at Rachel in disbelief.) She said WHAT? Phoebe:(speaking louder and articulating.) That's she's like the daughter she never had. (Phoebe points at her ears.) Listen! (Monica looks at Phoebe in a duh! way.) SCENE: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel enters the apartment. Rachel: Hi. Ross: Hi. Rachel: I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents. She's so nervous, it's so sweet! Ross: Guess what? I made Emma laugh today. Rachel:(in disbelief.) You WHAT? And I missed it? Because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie? Ross: Yeah, and it was uhm... it was like a real little person laugh too. It was... it was like uhm... (Ross tries to impersonate Emma's laugh, but it comes out very squeaky, very high pitched. He laughs about himself but then looks at Rachel, realises that it sounded weird and straightens his face.) Only... only not creepy. Rachel: Well... well, what did you do to make her laugh? (excited.) Ross: I uhm... Well, I sang... (Rachel gasps.) well actually I rapped... Baby Got Back... (Rachel's face changes from excited to angry.) Rachel: You WHAT? You sang... to our baby daughter... a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses? Ross: But you know what, if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy uhm... body image... because... even big butts or uhm... juicy doubles. Rachel:(disgusted.) owwwww... Ross: Please don't take her away from me! SCENE: Richard's apartment. There's a knock on the door. The listing agent opens the door for Chandler and Joey. Catherine: Oh hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the listing agent. Joey: Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler. Chandler: So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache? Catherine: Actually, he is buying a much bigger place. It's got a great view of Central Pa.... Chandler:(interupting.) Mmm That's enough about you! Joey: Is there anything we should know about the apartment? Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here... (Joey and Chandler both realize what she's assuming and start laughing.) Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no... we're not together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not a couple. Catherine: Oh... Okay, sorry! Joey: Well, you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you? Chandler: We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at this place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this huge macho couch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing Monica to a real man! (laughs.) You don't think he's here, do you? (Joey looks around.) Joey: You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see, I don't know if I see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see... (Joey sits down on the couch, mimes opening a can and puts his hand down his pants.) Yeah, I could see it. Chandler:(Chandler looks around the place and his eye gets caught by Richard's video collection.) Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God! Joey: What? Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it. Joey: Ooh! A tape with a girls name on it. It's probably a sex tape... (realises.) Wait a minute... This says Monica... (looks around.) And this is Richard's apartment... (realises some more.) Chandler: Get there faster! (Joey gasps and finally understands....) SCENE: Mike's parents building. Phoebe gets out of the classy elevator, looking all dressed up like an older woman, and very un-Phoebe. She walks to the door and rings the doorbell. Mike: Wow! You look like... like my mom. Phoebe: I'm wearing pantyhose! Mike: Great! Come on in! (Mike kisses her on the cheek. A butler walks in and takes Phoebe's coat.) Phoebe: Oh, thank you! Oh... Oh my God, you're RICH! Mike: No, my parents are rich. Phoebe: Yeah, so... They gotta die someday. (Mike's parents walk in.) HELLO! Mike: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy. Phoebe:(in a very posh accent.) Theodore... Bitsy... What a delight! Bitsy: It's so nice to finally meet you! Phoebe: And you... Your home is lovely. Bitsy: Well thank you, I'll give you a tour later. It's actually three floors. Phoebe: Holy crap! Bitsy: Phoebe, why don't you come in the living room and meet our friends? Phoebe: Oh, try and stop me! Mike: Hey... Wh... What are you doing? Phoebe:(no accent.) I'm trying to get your parents to like me. Mike: Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this... I'm wanting them to get to know Phoebe, not (accent.) Phoebe... Phoebe:(accent.) Got it! It... It's hard to stop... Mike: Well, come on... Theodore: Phoebe, these are our friends, Tom and Sue Angle. Bitsy: Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about yourself... So where are you from? Phoebe:(no accent.) Uhm... Okay, well, all right, uhm... Originally I'm from upstate, but uhm... then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went to prison, so... I just moved to the city where uhm... I actually lived in a burned out Buick LeSabre for a while... (frowns are received.) which was okay, that was okay, until uhm... I got hepatitis, you know, 'cause this pimp spit in my mouth and... but I... I got over it and uhm... anyway, now I'm uhm... a freelance massage therapist, uhm... which, you know, isn't always steady money but at least I don't pay taxes, huh... (everyone in the room finds it a bit surreal, which Phoebe realizes and starts to talk in the accent again.) So... where does everyone summer? Commercial Break SCENE: Mike's parents house again. Phoebe: God! God! This is not going well. Mike: No, no, no, you're doing fine, really... Why don't you go talk to my dad? Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, okay... Still sure about me being myself? Mike: Absolutely! Or maybe just a little less pimp spit. Phoebe: So Theodore... I uhm... I can see where Mike gets his good looks from... Theodore: Oh... Well... Phoebe: Yeah... And that physique! You must work out all the time... Theodore: Oh no, not all the time... I do the best I can... Phoebe: Yeah I bet! Look out! (Phoebe punches Theodore right in the stomach.) Theodore: OH! OWWWWW! (Theodore grabs his stomach in agony.) Phoebe: Oh my God, are you okay? Theodore: I recently had surgery. Phoebe: I'm so sorry! Theodore: No, I'll be fine... I just should check the stitches... Phoebe: I really, really am sorry. Theodore: How could you know. Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach? (Theodore walks out... Mike walks towards Phoebe.) Mike: Uhm... Did you just hit my dad? Phoebe: Yes... I'm sorry, I've never met a boyfriends parents before... Mike: But, I mean, you have met... humans before, right? Look, why don't you go talk to my mom? Phoebe: Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... She looks nice, I can talk to her. Mike: Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding. (Mike walks away and Bitsy walks in the same direction.) Phoebe: Yeah... Oh Bitsy, hi. Uhm... listen I just wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight. Bitsy: Well, not at all... Phoebe: Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is. Bitsy: Thank you, I think so too. Phoebe: Well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised. Especially to you. Because he's very respectful of women. Bitsy: Is he really? Phoebe: Are you kidding. He is so considerate of my feelings and... you know I think... you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover. Bitsy: E-e-excuse me? ……