Friends 909 The One With Rachel's Phone Number

SCENE: Chandler's office in Tulsa. His assistant is showing him photographs. Jo Lynn: This kitty is Mittens and this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkies. Chandler: Yep. That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn. Single are ya? (Phone rings. Chandler answers using the speaker phone. ) Chandler: Chandler Bing. Joey: Hey. How come you're answering your own phone? Where's your crazy assistant? (She frowns. Chandler picks up the hand set. ) Chandler: What's up Joe? Joey: Okay, what have we always wanted to do together? Chandler: Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach? Joey: No, no, no. When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are going to be at the Wizzards-Knicks game.. . courtside! Chandler: Courtside? Oh my God. Joey: Yeah. Maybe Michael Jordon will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee. Chandler: That's so cool. I'll let Monica know. (Chandler hangs up and calls Monica who is reading a book on their sofa as the phone rings. ) Monica: Hello? Chandler: Joey just called. He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night. Monica: Really? But tomorrow night is the only night I get off from the restaurant. If you go to the game, we won't have a night together for another week. Chandler: But hey, it's courtside. The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr.. . (Pause) That's not the way to convince you. Monica: Chandler look, I don't want to be one of those wives who says, "You can't go to the game. You have to spend time with me. " So, if you could just realize it on your own.. . Chandler: I know. You're right. I want to see you too. I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know? He's really looking forward to this. Monica: Tell him that you haven't seen your wife in a long time. Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult. Tell him that what little time we have is precious. Chandler: Yeah, ah, ah.. . I'll think of something. OPENING CREDITS SCENE: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is in the living room covering Emma. Rachel enters wearing a sexy dress. Ross: Wow! (pause) Wow, you look.. . uh.. . It's just, ah.. . That dress.. . uh.. . Rachel: Well, I hope the ends of these sentences are good. Ross: Well, well, they're good. It's been a while since I've seen you like this. You, you clean up good. Rachel: Oh well, well thank you. (She laughs. He stares for a moment. ) Okay, stop. Stop looking at me like that. The last time that happened, (points to Ross) that happened. (points to Emma. ) Ross: Oh right, right. (They pause and exchange a glance. Then, Ross looks away. ) So, are you.. . ah.. . you excited about your, your first night away from Emma? Rachel: Yeah, yeah. Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun. And thank you for watching the baby, by the way. Ross: Oh, it's fine. Actually, I, I invited Mike over. Rachel: Phoebe's Mike? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: I didn't know you guys hung out. Ross: We don't. But I thought it would be nice to get to know him. You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation. Rachel: Oh that's so cute: Ross and Mike's first date. Is that going to be awkward? I mean, what are you guys going to talk about? Ross: I don't know. But, you know, we, we have a lot in common, you know. He plays piano; I played keyboards in college. He's been divorced; I have some experience in that area. (Rachel nods. There is a knock on the door. ) Rachel: Yeah. (Phoebe and Mike enter. ) Phoebe: Hi Rachel: Hey. Phoebe:(spotting Rachel's dress) Oooh. Girl's night out indeed. Rachel:(to Ross) Ok. So now, I think Emma is probably down for the night, but if you need anything Ross.. . Ross: Rach, Rach, we'll be fine, all right? You go have fun. Rachel: Okay. You too. And I hope you score. (to Mike) Bye. Mike: Bye. Ross: So.. . Welcome. Mike:(Holds up a six pack of Foster's Lager) I got beer. Ross: I got bottled breast milk. Mike: Eh, why don't we start with the beer? Ross: Okay. (They sit. ) So, um, Phoebe tells me you, ah, you play piano. Mike: Yeah. Ross: You know, I, I used to, ah, play keyboards in college. Mike: Ah? (pause) Do you have one here? Ross: No. Mike: Okay. (pause) (They clink beer bottles, and drink. Then, they stare uncomfortably at their bottles. ) Ross: Um.. . ah.. . you know, I'm divorced. Um, Phoebe, ah.. . Phoebe said you.. . You've been divorced? Mike: Yeah. (pause) Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't.. . I don't really like to talk about it. Ross:(pause) That's okay. We'll talk about (pause) something else. (They pause. They drink. ) Mike: So, you're a paleontologist, right? Ross: Yeah. Mike: My cousin's a paleontologist. Ross: Ah? (Mike nods. Another pause. ) Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about. SCENE: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica is wearing a sexy negligee. She pours two glasses of wine as Chandler enters with a carry-on suitcase. He sets the case by the door. ) Monica: Hi. Chandler: Hey. Monica: Welcome home. Chandler:(Hangs his jacket over the suitcase, locks the door, then turns to Monica. ) Oh well, look at you. Monica: Yeah. What do you think? Chandler: Well, it looks great. It's just that.. . well, I'm wearing the same thing underneath. So.. . Monica: Oh. Chandler: See what I mean.. . (They kiss. ) (There is a loud thud at the door. ) Joey: Hey! How come the door's locked? Monica: Just a second. Chandler:(hushed) No, no, no, no, no. Joey can't know that I'm here. Monica: Why not? Chandler: Because I didn't know how to tell him that I couldn't go to the Knicks game. So, I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa. Monica: So, you lied to him? Chandler: Achhh. It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion. (pause) Except with you. Joey: Hey! Open the door. What's going on? (He knocks. ) (Monica goes to the door. Chandler slides behind it as she opens it slightly. ) Joey: What are you.. . (He sees her in her negligee. ) Why are you dressed like that? Monica: Oh, because, um.. . well, Chandler's going to be home in a couple of days. So, I thought I would, you know, practice the art of seduction. Joey: Oh, I thought I heard a man's voice before. Monica: Oh I was just doing Chandler's side of the conversation. You know, like, "Hi, How do I look?" (As Chandler) "Really sexy. Could I BE any more turned on?" Joey: Okay. (pause. He looks over her shoulder at the table with the wine. ) Whoa, whoa. Why are there two glasses of wine out? Monica: Because.. . one of them is for you. (Monica turns to get the wine. Chandler peeps through the peephole. Joey, seeing something, peeps back. Chandler ducks. Monica returns with two glasses of wine. She gives one to Joey. ) Monica: Cheers. (She clinks his glass and pulls back. ) Okay, buh-bye. (She closes the door. ) Chandler: You know, it's funny. I've been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself. (He raises his hands in front of himself, sticks out his behind, and wiggles it. ) Hi ya. Monica: You might want to keep practicing. Chandler: Yah. (Chandler's cell phone rings. He looks at it. ) Chandler: It's Joey. (He answers it, holding it out so that Monica can hear too. ) Hey Joe. Joey: Dude, come home! Chandler: What? Why? Joey: COME.. . HOME. Chandler: Look I, I can't. What's going on? Joey: I don't know how to tell you this but, uh.. . I think Monica's cheatin' on ya. I told you shouldn't have married someone so much hotter than you. (Chandler and Monica look at each other. Chandler nods. ) Joey: All right look. (He walks to the hallway. ) If you can't come home and deal with this, then I'm gonna. Chandler: NO! Joey:(outside the apartment door) I just heard him! Chandler:(softly) Can you.. . hear him.. . now? Joey:(listens at the door. ) No. (pause) All right, I'm going in. Chandler: No! Wait! Joey: I heard him again! Chandler:(writhes as if in agony) All right, look. Just stay there. I'm coming home. Joey: Okay. Great. I'll see you when you get here. I'm gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out. Chandler: Is that really necessary? Joey: Absolutely. You'd do it for me. Not that you ever have to because I know how to keep my women satisfied. SCENE: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Mike is blowing a note from his beer bottle. Ross stares off to the side. ) Ross: Shouldn't the pizza be here by now? I mean, they said thirty minutes or less. Well, how long has it been? Mike:(looking at his watch) Eleven minutes. (long pause) And now twelve. So, do you like the beer? Ross: I do. I do. Although, it's actually a lager. Mike: huh. (pause) What's the difference between beer and lager? Ross: I don't know. We could look it up. Mike:(nods) Things are about to get wild. SCENE: A bar. Rachel and Phoebe are bringing their drinks from the bar to a sofa. Phoebe: Oh God. Remember the girls' nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross? Rachel: Oh God. It seems like forever ago. Phoebe: I know. (sighs) So, what's going on with you and Ross? Rachel: Well, um.. . I don't know. I mean, for a long time nothing. But you know, actually right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a.. . ah.. . little thing. Phoebe: Oh my God! I love things. What happened? Rachel: Well, um, first he told me he liked how I looked. And, ah, then we had a little.. . um.. . eye-contact. Phoebe: Eye-contact? Rachel: Mm-hmm. Phoebe: I hope you were using protection. Waiter:(with tray and two drinks) Excuse me. Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar. Rachel: Oh. (to Phoebe) Should we send them something back? Phoebe: Oooh. Let's do. Let's send them mashed potatoes. Rachel: No! Wait! No, no. Don't do that! That's going to make them think they can come over here. Phoebe: So? What if they do? Rachel: Well, we're not here to meet guys. You have a boyfriend, I have a b.. . baby and a Ross. Phoebe: Yeah, but, ah, ah, nothing has to happen. We're just having fun. You know, not everything had to go as far as "eye-contact. " SCENE: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler is seated in the chair and Monica stands behind the sofa. Monica: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa. Chandler: Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me, than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? (Monica tips her head slightly as if asking "Did you hear yourself?") I heard it. Monica: I don't want him to think that I'm having an affair. Chandler: All right. I've got a plan. I'll go down the fire escape. Monica: Yes, because all good plans start with, "I'll go down the fire escape. " Chandler: Hear me out woman. I'll go down the fire escape. Then, I'll wait for a while. Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa. Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here. Monica: Aren't you afraid that Joey's going to figure all of this out? (pause) I heard it. (Chandler runs to the window, opens it, starts out, but returns, casually walking back to his chair. ) Chandler: I'm just going to wait for a little while. Monica: Scary pigeon's back? Chandler: It's huge. SCENE: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Three pizza crusts, two bottle caps and the plastic tripod are left in the otherwise empty pizza box. Mike is making hollow popping noises with his mouth. He begins to speak, but stops and pops his lips a few more times and takes a drink. Ross smiles as if he has thought of something to say, but then he stops and sinks back in a slump on the sofa. SCENE: The bar. Two men are chatting with Rachel and Phoebe. Rachel: Oh my God. I can't believe you live in that building. My grandmother lives in that building. Ida Green? No sense of personal space? Kind of smells like chicken? Looks like a potato. Bill: "Spuds" is your grandmother? Rachel: That's my bubby! Kevin: So, we're on our way to a couple of parties. Um.. . maybe we can get your numbers and give you guys a call if we find something fun. ……