Friends 915 The One With The Mugging

Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Ross, Monica and Phoebe are there as Chandler enters Chandler: (excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what... Joey: Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?! Monica: (shocked) Really? (She looks around, suddenly embarrassed) Let's get past the moment. Phoebe: What's your news? Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers) Monica: (hugging Chandler) Oh, honey, that's incredible! Phoebe: (inquisitive) Gosh, what's the pay like? (Everybody stares at her indignantly) Oh, come on people...(defending) come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! (She looks at Joey) Hey Joey! (Joey winks at her) Chandler: Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship. Joey: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'. Chandler: Right. So, it'll be the same except...less sex with you. (Joey nods) Ross: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there? Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like. Phoebe: (enthusiastic) That's great. Chandler: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating (At the same time, Gunther puts down a cup of coffee in front of Chandler) Chandler: (grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble! (Gunther shoots a nasty look at him while leaving) Ross: You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think, I would have been really good in advertising. Monica: Ross, you did not come up with "got milk?" Ross: Yes, I did, I did! (He turns to Joey, disappointed) I should have written it down! Scene: Monica and Chandler's Aparment, Monica sits at the table Joey: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Joey: Where's Chandler? I wanna wish him good luck on his first day. (Monica smiles) .. and I smelled bacon. (taking some) Monica: He just left. Joey: (puzzled) Who did? (Monica looks bewildered) Rachel: (entering) Joey! You never gonna believe it: she called. Joey: (standing up, surprised) She did? Rachel: (enthusiastic) You got it! Joey: (still surprised) I did? Monica: What is she talking about? Joey: I don't know, but it sounds great. Rachel: Your agent called. You got that audition. Joey: With Lennart Haze? Rachel: Yes. Joey: Oh my god, that is great! That is *** for a play on broadway...and in a real theatre, not that little one underneath the dally like last time. Monica: Is it a good play? Joey: Well, it must be, because I read and I didn't understand a singe word. Rachel: Yeah, and Lennart Haze is starring in it... Joey: Yeah, yeah, and directing. Monica: (sighs) He was so good in that movie of MacBeth. Rachel: (disbelieving) You saw that? Monica: No, but...I saw the previews. They played it right before Jackass. Rachel and Joey: (pointing at Monica, a look of recognition in their faces) Ah! Joey: Yeah, he's done some amazing works. Rachel: Oh, yeah. Oh, I loved him in those cell phone commercials. Joey: (almost laughing) I know. When the monkey hits him in the face with that giant rubber phone. (They all laugh) Monica: Hey! Maybe the monkey will be at the audition! Joey: (sitting down) Don't make me more nervous than I already am! Scene: Chandler's new workplace, his fellow interns are already seated around a table Chandler: (entering) Good morning, everybody. Intern: Can I get you a cup of coffee, Sir? Chandler: Oh, no, no, I'm an intern, just like you guys...except for the tie, the briefcase...and the fact that I can rent a car. Intern: Seriously, you're an intern? Chandler: Yeah, well, I'm kinda heading into a new career direction and, you know, you gotta start at the bottom. Intern: (shaking his head disbelievingly) Dude! Chandler: Right. Look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope (he sits down) (Everybody gives him an inquiring look) Chandler: The comedian? USO?! Intern: (correcting him) Uhm, it's USA, sir. (Chandler desperately covers his head in his hands) Scene: Audition room, Joey is lead into the room by a receptionist in a fancy dress Receptionist: This is Joey Tribbiani. Joey, these are the producers and, as you probably already know, this is Lennart Haze. (Lennart Haze turns around in his chair to face Joey) Joey: It is so amazing to meet you. (They are shaking hands) I'm such a big fan of your work. Lennart: Well, I've...I've been blessed with a...a lot of great roles. Joey: Tell me about it! "Unlimited nights and weekends!" Lennart: You making fun of me? Because I am not a sell-out. (He stands up and walks menacingly towards Joey) I didn't do that for the money, I believe in those phones. I almost lost a cousin because of bad wireless service. Joey: No, I-I-I wasn't making fun of you, honestly, I-I think you were great in those commercials. Lennart: Really? Joey: Yeah. Lennart: Well, I do bring a certain credibility to the role. Joey: (regaining confidence) Are you kiddin'? When they shoot you out of that cannon... Lennart: Peeeeeooooooooch (He mimes flying out of the cannon) "Hang up that phone!" One take! Joey: Wow! Lennart: So, shall we read? Joey: Oh, yeah, sure. Lennart: Top of act two. This is my entrance. You got it? (Joey nods whereupon Lennart acts as if he is entering a room) Lennart: "What the hell are you still doing here"? (Joey stares at him, fascinated by his performance) Joey: Err, "I think you know". Lennart: "Bastard"! Joey: "I am what you made me. You know what? I could go right now." Lennart: "Go, go!" Joey: "I can't. Oh, I want to, long pause, but I can't." Lennart: I'm sorry, sorry. You're not supposed to say "long pause" Joey: (understandingly) Oh, oh, I thought that was your character's name, you know, I thought you were like an Indian or something, you know with a...(He mimes wearing a feather on his head) Lennart: No. Thank you so much for coming in. We appreciate it, thank you. Joey: Ah, y-y-you're sure you don't want me to do it again? I could do it with an accent, you know, Southern (He speaks in what he believes is a Southern accent) "I could go right now, maaan!" Lennart: (stunned, muttering) My god in heaven. (The producers stand up) Producer #1: Joey, hang on for a second. Lennart, can we talk to you for a moment? (They stand aside, talking) Lennart: You, you gotta be kidding. See, h-he, he can't act. (Joey hears that and his disappointment is reflected in his facial expression). (Producer #1 whispers something) Lennart: Hey! I-I-I don't care if he's hot, you know. If you want to sleep with him, do it on your own time. (Joey smiles smugly at this) This is a play. No, listen: if you insist on this, I will call my agent so fast on a cell phone that has a connection that is so clear he's gonna think I'm next door. (Joey approaches them) Joey: (interrupting their conversation) Ah, hi, ah. Thank you so much for whispering for my benefit, but, ah, look, if you just tell me what I did wrong, I'd just love to work on it and come back and try it again for you. And, and also: (to Producer #1) 'How you doing?' (to Lennart again) You should, please, just gimme another chance. I really wanna get better, please. Lennart: Well, if you wanna come back at the end of the day today, here are my notes. Ready? Joey: Yeah. Lennart: Uhm, you're in your head. You-you're thinking way too much. Joey: I really doubt that. Lennart: (explaining to Joey, who nods fervently.) No, no, no. It's that you're not connected with anything in your body. There's no urgency. The scene is a struggle, uhm, it's a race. Also, what you did was horizontal. Don't be afraid to explore the vertical. And don't learn the words. Let the words learn you. (Joey ponders on this for a while) Joey: (suggesting.) Couldn't I just sleep with the producer? Scene: Backstreet, Ross and Phoebe walking Phoebe: Hey, do you wanna go to dinner tonight? Ross: Oh, I can't. I've got a date with that waitress, Katy, yeah, I know we've been only going out like twice, but I have a really good feeling about her. Phoebe: Oh, I hear divorce bells. (A mugger, his face hidden by a cap, approaches them from behind) Mugger: Alright. Just give me your wallets and there won't be a problem. Ross: (taken aback) What? Mugger: I have a gun (It looks like he has a gun under his coat) Ross: O-ok. Just relax, Phoene, just stay calm. (He searches his coat and freaks out). Oh my god, I can't find my wallet. (He finally finds the wallet and hands it to the mugger) Mugger: Alright, lady, now give me your purse! Phoebe: No. Ross: (still in a high-pitched voice) What do you mean "no"? I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay. (A sign of recognition runs across Phoebe's face) Phoebe: Lowell, is that you? Lowell: Phoebe? (He lifts his cap) Oh my god! Phoebe: (simultaneously) Oh my god! (They hug and scream) Phoebe: (excited) I'm sorry, Ross, this is my old friend Lowell from the streets. Lowell, Ross. Lowell: Ross, nice to meet you. (He stretches his hand out to him) Ross: Yeah, a real pleasure. Phoebe: Ah, it's been so long, so long. (They hug again) I can't believe you're still doing this! Lowell: Oh, I know, but I quit smoking! Phoebe: Good for you! Lowell: So you look like you're doing really well! I guess you're mugging days are behind you? Phoebe: Uh-huh.(she nods) Ross: (shocked) Oh my god. Phoebe, you used to mug people? Phoebe: Excuse me, Ross, old friends catching up... Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica sits on the couch as Joey enters Monica: Hey, how did the audition go? Joey: Well, they wanna see me again this afternoon, but, err, well, Lennart Haze did not like me. (He sits down) Monica: What happened? Joey: Well, he said I wasn't urgent enough, you know, and that everything I did was horizontal and I should be more vertical. Oh, and he said that I should think less. Monica: So far so good! (Joey nods) Chandler: (entering, carrying a large box) Honey, I'm old! Monica: (standing up, walking towards him) What's wrong? Chandler: I am so much older than these other interns. I can't compete with them. Monica: So you're a little older. Try to look at the positive: You have all this life experience. Chandler: Yes, but I don't think life experience with these. (He opens the box and takes an inline skate-like sneaker out) Joey: Wooooooooow (He takes the sneaker) It's like they're on fire! Monica: What are they? (They sit down again.) Chandler: They're these prototype sneakers and come up with ideas on how to sell them which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever where these. Joey: (determined) I'll give you $500 for them! Chandler: What am I supposed to do with these? Monica: Ah, come on, sneakers are easy. You wear sneakers all the time. Chandler: Well, first of all, they're not called "sneakers" anymore. Apparently, they're called "kicks" or "skids" and I think I heard somebody say "slorps". (He takes a sneaker) And here, look: they've got these wheels to pop out from the bottom so you can roll around 'cause, apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity! (to Monica) Would you help me try to sell these? Monica: Okay, have you considered using a girl with huge knockers? Chandler: No, I don't think that's the kinda thing they're looking for. Joey: Hey, that'd work on me! Why did I get to buy Mrs. Butterwords? Scene: Central Perk, Monica sits on the couch as Phoebe and Ross enter All: Hey, hey! Ross: Hey, you'll never guess what just happened...Phoebe and I got mugged! Monica: You okay?! Ross: (sitting down) Yeah, because Phoebe knew the mugger! Monica: (bewildered) How do you know a mugger? Phoebe: I'm sorry I have friends outside the six of us. Ross: You wanna know how she knew him? (He points at Phoebe) Because Phoebe used to mug people. Monica: (shocked) Seriously? ……