Friends 918 The One With The Lottery

Scene: Central Perk - Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are sitting on the sofas. Joey enters Joey: Monica, hey, can I borrow the Porsche? Monica: Ok. Joey: Alright! Monica: But ehm...what is it not? Joey: (abashed) A place to entertain my lady friends. Monica: And what else is it not? Joey: (even more abashed) A place to eat spaghetti. Monica: Very good! (Gives him the keys) What do you need it for anyway? Joey: Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they don't sell tickets here in New York, so... Rachel: Oh! So you're driving up to Connecticut? Joey: (hesitates for a moment)Yeah Connecticut...Not West Virginia. Monica: Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there! I'd like to buy some tickets myself! Joey: Uh! Monica: Yeah with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use 300 million dollars. Chandler: Yeah, because if I was at my old job we'd say 300 million? No thank you! Phoebe: Hey will you get me tickets too? Rachel: Yeah me too. oh! I have an idea. Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our money together and then if we win, we'll split it! Everyone almost simultaneously except Ross: yeah thats a great idea! Ross: No thanks! Phoebe: You don't wanna win the lottery? Ross: (in a mocking voice)Uh...sure I do, and I also wanna be King of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart. Chandler: Still on Amelia Earhart? Ross: The woman just vanished! Joey: Seriously, Ross, you don't want in on this? Ross: No! Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I...I mean you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times. Chandler: Yes but there's six of us so we'd only have to get struck by lightning 7 times. Joey: I like those odds! Ross: Seriously you guys, I can't believe you're going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, I mean that's such a bunch of boohaki. Chandler: (looking around at the others)I'll ask. (To Ross) Boohaki? Ross: Oh oh, we think Emma is about to start talking so we're trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her. Rachel: Yeah so get ready to hear alot of ehm...boohaki, goshdarnit and brotherpucker. Monica: How do you know she's gonna start talking? Rachel: Well when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying. Chandler: Kinda like Joey. Joey: (who wasn't paying attention)What's that now? Opening credits Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen Monica: God! Look at all these tickets! It's so exciting! You know I haven't won anything since the sixth grade. Chandler: Pie eating contest? Monica: Oh! You assume because I was heavy that's the only way I could win something? Chandler: No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries. Monica: (smiling)That was a good day! (Suddenly Ross comes running into the apartment) Ross: (yelling to Monica)They're towing your car, they're towing your car!! Monica: I'm parked in a garage on Morton! Ross: (panting)They're towing a car. And I am seeing...spots. Joey: (sounding panicky)Oh my god Ross! You don't have Emma! And Rachel you don't have Emma! (Starts yelling) Where's Emma? Who has Emma!? Rachel: Joey relax! My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were there! Joey: (not yelling anymore)I was? Racel: Yes and you talked to her... Joey: I did? Rachel: She dropped off a casserole? Joey: Oh yeah! The casserole lady. Monica: (to Ross)So, did you come by to watch us win the big bucks? Ross: Yeah, uh... and then I figured after you win, we could all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it! (phone starts ringing and Chandler comes running out of the bathroom) Chandler: (hysterical)Don't touch the phone! I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it!! (picks up the phone) Ross: (to Monica)Think he washed his hands? Chandler: (into receiver)Hello? Hey Charlie, what do you know? Rachel: (to Monica)What's going on? Monica: Chandler is supposed to find out if he's getting an assistent job at his ad agency. But out of the 15 interns, they are only hiring three. Joey: Ooh! Tough odds! Ross: (mockingly)Yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state lottery! Joey: (smiling)Look who's coming around! Chandler: (still on the phone)Damnit. Alright call me when you know more. Joey: (excited)Did you get it? Chandler: One of the slots got filled. Joey: (Still excited)By you!? Chandler: Sense the tone! No that kid Nate got it. Monica: Oh! I hate that guy! I mean come on kid! Pull up your pants! Chandler: Yeah I know. Rachel: Well, there's two spots left right? Chandler: Yeah...I mean I want this so much! I mean, I wanna get one, I want my friend Charlie to get one...Except I don't care about Charlie. (Phoebe enters) Phoebe: (excited)Hey you guys! Ok, you're not going to believe this! I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight! Monica: Hey that reminds me, I thought we could use some extra luck so I brought a wishbone home from work. Ross: (mockingly)A psychic AND a wishbone? Guys! Give someone else a chance! Monica: Alright, who wants to do it? Phoebe: Oh can I? Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone. It's really not fair either! You know, just because we don't eat the meat doesn't mean we don't like to play with the carcasses! Monica: Ok, hey Rach? Rachel: Oh no, I'm good, I don't wanna get that turkey smell all over my hands. Joey: I'll do it!! It'll get the casserole stink off of mine. (Phoebe and Joey both grab one side of the wishbone) Phoebe: I hope I win! Monica: Well, it doesn't really matter ... you're both wishing for the same thing, right? Joey: I can't tell you what I'm wishing for! Else...you know...won't come true! Monica: Right! .. but we "know" what you're wishing for! Joey: Can't really say! Monica: I understand, but you're wishing for what we think you're wishing for, aren't you? Joey: (slightly irritated)I'm not really comfortable with these questions! Rachel, Chandler and Monica: Please, just do it! Phoebe: One, two, three! (they break the wishbone) Joey: I won, hey! Ross: You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys - just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp! (rubs lamp, stops because it's very hot) Ah!! That thing gets hot!! Rachel: You know, Ross, just keep making your jokes. How are you gonna feel if we actually do win? Ross: Uh, you're not gonna win. Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're gonna be all like "oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape" and you're gonna be all like "oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai" Ross: Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that. Chandler: I can see the headline now: "Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm". Ross: Why would I eat my own arm? Chandler: Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want. Monica: You know what, Ross? I'm gonna throw in 50 bucks for you. Ross: Why? Monica: Because I know that you think the lottery is "boohaki" but we're all here and gonna watch the numbers and have fun. And you're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this. Ross: You don't have to do that, I'll pay for myself. But just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys - that's so sweet! Come here (they kiss and hug) Phoebe: Get a room! Chandler: Ok, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win? Ross: I don't know, probably just invest it. Chandler: Ooh! Calm down ... Joey: Seriously, that's your fantasy? To invest it? Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "invest it"? I meant "be cool and piss it all away" (Joey and Chandler pleased) Joey: Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks! Rachel: I don't really care about the Knicks. Joey: Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward. Rachel: (touched) You would do that? I never get picked! Chandler: You know, I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go. Joey: You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I can't believe you're taking this away from me! Chandler: You're right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds. Ross: (to Rachel) Uh, how long until they announce the numbers, Mommy? (pause) Chandler: (looks around) I'll take this one too (to Ross) Uh ... Mommy? Ross: Oh, I've gotten into the habit of calling Rachel "Mommy" when we're around Emma. Which I now realize we are not ... Rachel: I'm hoping that if she hears it enough it will be her first word. Ross: Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me "Daddy" too. Phoebe: Oooh, I like that, "daddy" (in a sexy tone) Ross: I ... I was just talking about Rachel. Phoebe: (still in sexy tone) Oooh, is daddy getting angry? Is daddy gonna spank me? Ross: (tries to be sexy too) Well that depends ... have you been a baaad gi .. (stops) no I can't. (Phone rings, Chandler picks up) Chandler: Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did anybody else hear? ... What? Susan got it?? How? Oh man, I would have slept with him!! .. Alright, bye. (hangs up) Joey: Dude, I'm sorry. But hey, there's one spot left, right? Chandler: Well no, Charlie's gonna get that. Monica: Hey, don't say that! You got just as good a chance as anybody else of getting that job! Chandler: He's the boss's son. Monica: Come on, lottery!! (everybody cheers) Rachel: Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20 minutes. Monica: Ok, here we go. We need to sort out the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we've won. So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? (doesn't let them answer) Ok, how about this: we divide them into 6 groups of 40, and the remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first. Rachel: Ooh, I have another idea! Monica: I'm sorry, idea time is over. Phoebe: Ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl? Monica: Yeah. Chandler: What about the ones you have on the nightstand? Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand! Chandler: Yes there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago. (Rachel get suspicious) Monica: Un, no you didn't! You must be mistaken! Chandler: Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand! Monica: Chandler, sense the tone!! (Rachel comes out of their bedroom waving tickets) Rachel: Well, well, well, look what mommy found!! (everyone's shocked) Monica: Ok, fine!! I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler. Phoebe: Uh! The psychic also said that I would be betrayed. Ross: I can't believe this, I thought we were all in this together! Monica: Hey, you just got in 5 minutes ago! Ross: 3 minutes ago!!! I don't know why that's important ... Joey: I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut, when did you even get those? Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic! Joey: (to Ross) I'll show you how. Rachel: Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your "special" tickets win? How are you gonna feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends? Monica: Please ... if I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for 3 days! Rachel: Chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong? Chandler: (to Mon) She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us ... Monica: Ahhh! (shocked) Chandler: Let me finish ... (to everyone else) however, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!! (takes tickets from Rachel) Monica: There's the man I married!! Rachel: All right, believe me.If you win the lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us! Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just like you! Rachel: (surprised) OH! Alright, you know what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets (picks up the bowl)! ……