Friends 921 The One At The Fertility Clinic

[Scene: Central Perk] Monica: It's so weird, how did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night? I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie. Ross: Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too ok? But SURPRISE! Chandler: I missed most of the party (pause) Charlie's a girl, right? Ross: Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did not kiss. Rachel: I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! I mean, of all the girls at the party, GOD! Ross: Why do you care so much? Monica: Yes Rachel, why do you care so much? Rachel: (worried) Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know... and I... want him to hook up with lots of women! (pause) I just... All I'm saying is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common. Ross: Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils... Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism... Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid! Rachel: All right, so... Ross, you're ok with all this? I mean... Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. I mean, I just met her and I'm fine with it... (Joey and Charlie enter. Ross looks at her) Ross: Oh, God. I forgot how hot she was! Joey: Hey! All: Hi! Ross: I'm gonna get some more coffee. Charlie: Oh, you know what? I'll come with you! Ross: Ok. (they both go) Chandler: (to Joey) So, a professor, uh? Joey: Yeah! She is cool, and she's so smart! Her mind is totally acrimonious (which, being Joey, he mispronounces "amonious"). (pause) That's not how she used it...? Charlie: (talking to Ross) I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don't ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties. I'm... well, I'm kind of embarrassed. I really hope you don't think less of me. Ross: Uhm no! Think less of you! No, I don't think less of you. I mean, you saw someone you liked and you kissed them. I mean, those people who like someone and don't kiss them... those-those people are stupid, I hate those people. Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral... Ross: Yeah, I know the type. Joey: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close? Opening credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment] Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look what I just got. (she shows them a pair of slippers) Rachel: Oh, OH! Wow, I love those! Where did you get them? Phoebe: I bought them off Ebay! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain. Rachel: (after a pause) Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive! Phoebe: Oh... then I overpaid. (she goes to the bathroom) Monica: Hey, what's this? Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO. Monica: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains. Rachel: Ah, why, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of! I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting... Monica: Do you wanna go hunting? Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option!! Phoebe: (coming back from the bathroom) What's up? (she sees the gift certificate in Rachel's hands) Hey, Rachel!! Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: No, you can't go there! You know how I feel about these "big massage places"! They're putting people like me out of business! Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!! Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks! Phoebe: Ok, this is not about the MONEY, ok? It's about... it's about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us... the hollow shells. Rachel: I don't care about any of that!! Phoebe: Well, do you care about friendship? Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend. Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Fine, I won't use it! Phoebe: Promise? Rachel: I promise. Phoebe: Thank you. (she tears up the gift certificate) Rachel: But I am going hunting!! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment] Monica: (entering) Hey honey! I missed you today! Chandler: Oh, yeah? Monica: Yeah. (they kiss) What d'you wanna do tonight? Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe we could... (he sweeps the stuff off the table and wordlessly invites Monica to have sex on it) Monica: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience! Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank. Chandler: We really need to take those tests? Monica: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year. I think it's a good idea to find out if everything's ok. Just a few routine tests. Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup! Monica: What is the big deal? Chandler: It's weird! In a doctor's office? Monica: It's not ok to do it in a doctor's office but it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell? Chandler: (embarrassed) I cannot believe Ross told you that! (pause) And in my defense, it was a Wendy's! Monica: Look, I don't wanna do this test either, but I really do think it's a good idea! Chandler: Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's factory! Monica: (really embarrassed) OH! Chandler: Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO! [Scene: Joey's apartment] Joey: (sipping red wine from a glass) Who says that wine has to cost more than milk! (somebody knocks the door, Joey opens and it's Charlie) Joey: Heeey! Charlie: Hi! Joey: Come on in, how are ya? Charlie: I'm good! Joey: Can I offer you a drink? Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the Foreword for a friend's book... Joey: Uh-oh. I hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to open a door and go (looking scared) ohhhh! Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here. And I can't wait to start exploring the city! Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide... (point to himself) Charlie: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun! Joey: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Ok, what do you wanna see first? Charlie: Oh, well, we can go see the Chronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall. Joey: (looking puzzled and nodding) Ok! Charlie: And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library. Joey: I know, yeah! Charlie: And first, I have to see the MET! Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, ok? You wanna see the Yankees. Charlie: No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular! Joey: Which one, they all suck! Charlie: The museum! Joey: (looking puzzled) I don't think so. [Scene: SPA massage center, Rachel enters] Rachel: (to the receptionist) Hi there! Receptionist: (in an affected tone) Hello, welcome to Lavender Day Spa SPA. How may I help you? Rachel: Oh, hi. I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green, and here is my gift certificate. Receptionist: This has been torn up. Rachel: And... taped back together. Receptionist: Ok well, I'll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready. Rachel: Ok Receptionist: Have a seat through the glass doors. Rachel: (imitating the receptionist's tone) through the glass doors. Receptionist: Through the glass doors. Rachel: Alright-y then. (Phoebe enters the hall) Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room. Phoebe: Ok. Do we have to talk like that then they're not around? (She sees Rachel) Oh, no, no! Listen, is there someone who can fill in for me? Receptionist: Sorry, everyone is booked! Phoebe: But that woman can't know I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are. Receptionist: Then why you work here? Phoebe: 'Cause it's good money! But that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine! Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work! Phoebe: (watching around and whispering) Ok, are they listening? [Scene: Central Perk] (Joey walks in and moves towards Ross, who's sitting of the sofa) Joey: Ross! Ross: Hi! Joey: I need to talk to you about Charlie. Ross: (annoyed) Oh, do you, do you really? Joey: Yeah, I'm... I'm kind of having a little problem. Ross: Look, if you don't know what the word "acrimonious" means, just don't use it! Joey: No, look, you know Charlie, right? She's cool, she's funny, her body is soo... Ross: Get to the problem! Joey: Yes. It's just that she's so much smarter than all the girls I've ever dated! Combined! I don't want her to think I'm stupid! Ross: (looking down) Are you wearing two belts? Joey: (checking) EH, what do you know! Ross: You were saying you didn't want to seem stupid. Joey: Right, right, right, well, she wants to go to all this cultural places and I don't know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out! Ross: You know, I really don't want to get involved in you guy's relationship. Joey: Please, c'mon, you're the smartest person I know and I really like this girl, ok, I don't wanna lose her. Ross: (after a short hesitation) Fine. Joey: Thanks. Ross: Ok. Let's see. Oh, you should take her to the MET! Joey: The Metsss! Ross: Oh, no! The MET! The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Joey: (realizing) Oh, that's what she meant! (pause) You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! You know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion! Ross: Yeah, most of it it's a place packed with confused angry baseball fans! Joey: Ok, all right, so I'll take her to the MET. Ross: Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there's this great rare bookstore on Madison Avenue. You know what? She loves architecture, you know what you should do? You should take a walk down fifth to the Saint Patrick's Cathedral and there there's this great little pastry shop that she'd love. Joey: Geez, sounds like you should be going on this date! Ross: But I'm not! (pause). You know what if you're in the mood for Thai food... Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, you go way too fast. Ok? Just go back to the MET, ok? Ross: Ok. Joey: You got to tell me exactly what to do there. Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that's the antiquities wing. Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire. Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! So, I walk in the door and make the right (and he bends his arm to the left. Ross then bends Joey's arm to the right and Joey nods) [Scene: doctor's waiting room] Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. (pause) How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet. Monica: Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody is gonna wanna watch that. (a nurse walks in) Nurse: Mr. Bing? (Chandler jumps up) Here you are! You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container. Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it. Monica: Hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure you're going to be ok? Chandler: Yeah, I guess! Monica: I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares! No one here even knows you! Janice: OH MY GOD!! Chandler: Oh, Come on! Commercial Break Janice: Ah ahahahhahaa! How great is this! Monica: Hey, we're probably fertile, let's go home! Chandler: Why are you here? Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we... Chandler: (to Heaven) No no no... I mean, why? why is she here?? Janice: Oh! Someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup! (laughs) Oh! They gave you the kiddy size (looking at the cup in his hand). Chandler: What!? (Janice does her "Janice Laugh") Monica: This was fun! But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to! (leaves) Chandler: I'd love to stay, but I have eh... (points at the cup) got a hot date... (starts to leave) ……