Friends 1012 The One With Phoebe's Wedding

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey's sitting on the couch and Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Oh, hey Joey. Joey: Uh, hey. Phoebe: Listen, I need to ask you something. Ok, you know how my step dad's in prison. Joey: (afraid) Yeah. Phoebe: Yeah. Well, uhm... listen he was supposed to get a weekend furlough, so he'd come to the wedding tomorrow, but he just called and... uhm... well, apparently stabbing Iceman in the exercise yard just couldn't wait till Monday. Joey: So he can't come? Phoebe: No, and so there's no one to walk me down the aisle and... well, I would just really love it if you would do it. Joey: Seriously? Phoebe: Yeah, you've... you know, sort of been like a dad to me. I mean, you've always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom... Joey: I am pretty wisdomous. Phoebe: So... what do you say? Joey: Are you kidding? Phoebe, I would be honored. (they hug) Phoebe: Oh, thank you. I hope... I hope you know how much you mean to me. Joey: (takes her hand) Listen, I hope... that you know... (has difficulty saying it) I don't want you to see your father cry, GO TO YOUR ROOM! OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch. A waitress brings a coffee and Phoebe wants to pay.] Phoebe: Oh. Joey: Oh no, no, no, let your dad get this. Phoebe: (her mobile phone rings) Oh, it's my wedding planner. She's driving me crazy! (she answers) Hello... Hey, ok, stop screaming! Ok? So, halibut. All right, so salmon, either way. I don't-I don't... it doesn't matter to me! Monica: (she enters with a headset on and she's speaking into the microphone) Well, it matters to me! Phoebe: Well, I don't care, so you pick! Monica: Did you just hung up on me? (she hangs up too) All right, look, I need you at the rehearsal dinner tonight at 1800 hours. Phoebe: Uh-uh. Ok. What time is that. Monica: You don't know military time? Phoebe: Why, I must have been in missile training the day they taught that. Monica: Just subtract twelve. Phoebe: Ok, so... 1800 minus twelve is... one thousand, seven hundred and... Monica: (screaming) Six o'clock! Phoebe: Ok. Monica: Ok. Hold on. (her mobile phone rings) Geller here! No! I said it has to be there by 4 o'clock. Goodbye. (she hangs up) Oh, how hard it is to make an ice sculpture? Phoebe: Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy! I told you I just want a simple wedding. Monica: Please... honey, leave the details to me. Now I wanna make this day as special for you as I can. Now, ok, I was thinking that the harpist should wear white. Phoebe: What harpist? My friend Marjorie is playing the steel drums. Monica: Ooh... she backed out. Phoebe: She did? Why? Monica: I made her. (Phoebe looks shocked) Steel drums don't really say "elegant wedding". Nor does Marjorie's overwhelming scent. Phoebe: (looking angry) Hey! She will shower when Tibet is free. [Scene: The wedding rehearsal dinner.] Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: You look great. I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner, you know, I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them. Phoebe: Okay, what did we say was your one gift to us? Chandler: No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding. Phoebe: Rehearse it! Ross: Hi! (he kisses Phoebe) Mike: Thanks for coming you guys. Ross: Oh, (he goes towards Mike in order to shake hands but Mike hugs him) hey, oh... I... I was-I was going for a hand shake. Mike: Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch? Ross: That is why! Mike: Yeah. Phoebe: So Rach. Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Where is Emma? Rachel: Oh, Monica made me send her to my mother's. Apparently babies and weddings don't mix. Monica: (coming) Are you still crying about your damn baby? Pheebs, you gotta keep the line moving, remember, 20 seconds per person. Your see these clowns all the time! (she takes off) Joey: Hey, you're Mike's parents, right? Mike's mother: Yes, we are. Joey: Ah, our little ones are growing up fast, uh? Mike's father: How's that? Joey: You know, on the one hand you're happy for them, but on the other hand it's hard to let go. Mike's father: Who in God's name are you? Joey: Hey, I'm not that fond of you either, ok buddy? But I'm just trying to be nice for the kids! (Cut to Ross, Chandler and Rachel) Chandler: (to Rachel) You know what I just realized? We have no idea what we're doing in the wedding tomorrow. Ross: Yeah, I thought we'd be groomsmen, but wouldn't they have asked us by now? When did they ask you to be their bridesmaid? Rachel: Uh... November? Ross: I wanna say it's not looking good. Rachel: Hey Pheebs... Phoebe: What's up? Rachel: Uhm... you haven't told these guys what they're doing in the wedding yet. Chandler: Heh. Phoebe: Uhm... well, they're not in the wedding. Ross: What? (Ross and Chandler don't know what to say, so there's an embarrassing long pause) Rachel: Well, this is really awkward (staring at the floor) Oh, and I can leave! Phoebe: I'm sorry you guys but, you know, Mike's got his brother and his friends from school so... you know, you were, you were... if it helps you, you were next in line, you just, you just missed the cut. Ross: Oh, man! Chandler: This is like figure skating team all over again. (Phoebe and Ross glare at him astonished) I mean synchronized swimming. (they continue to glare) I mean- I mean the balance beam. (to Ross) Help me! Ross: FOOTBALL! Chandler: Thank you. Monica: (looking at Phoebe eating something) Pheebs, spit that out, that has pork in it. Phoebe: Oh! I though the pot stickers were supposed to be vegetarian! Monica: Yeah, I changed them. I, I sent you a fax about it! Phoebe: I don't have a fax machine. Monica: Ah, well then there are gonna be a few surprises! Ross: I can't believe we're gonna be the only people that aren't in this wedding. Chandler: I know, I hate being left out of things. Ross: And it's a wedding! It'd be weird if I'm not in it... Mike: Hey guys, how is it going? Chandler: Fine. We're just sitting here. Alone. Doing nothing. It's our rehearsal for tomorrow. Mike: Yeah look, about tomorrow, I... I've got a question for ya. I just found out that one of my groomsmen had had an emergency and can't make it. Chandler: What happened? Ross: Who cares, AND? Mike: ...and I was wondering if... you know, maybe one of you guys... Ross: (stands up) I'll do it! Chandler: (standing up too) M-Me, me, me! Mike: You both wanna do it? Uhm... there's only room for one. Chandler: Pick me, I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus. Ross: No, Mike, no, no. You wanna pick me, I mean... watch! (he mimics the groomsmen's way of walking down the aisle with a bridesmaid) Huh? Mike: You know, I really don't feel very comfortable making this decision. You know, Phoebe knows you better, I'm gonna let her choose. (he leaves) Ross: (to Chandler) Well, if Phoebe's choosing, then say hello to Mike's next groomsman. Chandler: Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror... as he is me! Ross: Please, you're going down! Chandler: You are going downer! Ross: Is that what they say on the Figure Skating Team? Chandler: (almost crying) I wouldn't know, I didn't make it! (they hug) [Scene: Wedding rehearsal dinner. Joey and Mike are talking.] Joey: So, you know I'm filling in for Phoebe's step dad, tomorrow, right? Mike: Yeah, yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that. Joey: Oh, hey, my pleasure. (he suddenly becomes very serious) So what are your intentions with my Phoebe? Mike: I intend to marry her. Joey: Oh, a wiseacre. (Mike looks bewildered). No, no, no, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn't that kind of unstable? Mike: No more so than acting. Joey: Strike two! Mike: You're right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, dad? Joey: Strike three! You only get one more, Mike! (Cut to Chandler and Ross. Phoebe comes out of the ladies room and they run toward her.) Ross: So, what did you decide? Phoebe: I decided to pee. Chandler: Mike didn't tell you? You have to choose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out. Phoebe: Oh no, no. I can't choose between you two! I love you both so much! Chandler: Just not enough to put us in the original wedding party. Phoebe: Oh, I don't wanna choose! It's (Rachel is walking by). Oh okay, wait. Rach! Listen I have a very special bridesmaid task for you today. Rachel: (excited and clapping her hands in front of her face) Goody, what is it! Phoebe: Well, there's a spot open for only one groomsman and you have to choose between Ross and Chandler. So good luck with that. Rachel: What, what, what, no, I don't wanna do that. Phoebe: All right, I guess I'll have to find a new bridesmaid. Ross: I'll do it! (Monica approaches) Monica: Ok, it's 2100 hours. (to Phoebe) Time for your toast. (Mike appears) Mike: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom? Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! (to Phoebe and Mike). Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out! Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler? Monica: (very serious) It's 2101 and I am not amused. (pause). Ok, the bride and groom have a few words they'd like to say. (Everyone sits and Phoebe gets up) Phoebe: Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start. (she reads a note). My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends so I, I... (Monica is twirling her hands in order to make Phoebe speed up her speech) oh I... hum... I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen who couldn't be here tonight because... (Monica is tapping her watch with her finger) it's not important... she is in rehab. Anyway, so, ok, Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn't have a friend Mike so he just brought, uhm, my Mike and, and (Monica clears her throat) but despite, you know... it got... it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here... Monica (rolling her eyes): oh God. Phoebe: And... moment's over! (Rachel, Joey and Chandler all turn and look disapprovingly towards Monica but she just shrugs it off) So, ok, uh, I can forget that. I can forget that and uhm... (she's flipping cards skipping half of them) Oh this is funny! Oh, but you need to know that to... that, to... Oh, ok, well, uhm, I (Monica is miming CUT). Ok, ok, I, ok, I.... MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS! THIS IS MY WEDDING! OKAY, I DON'T WANT THIS (she mimes Monica's when she was twirling her hands) OR THIS (she taps her watch) OR THIS (she mimes CUT) OK? I JUST WANTED A SIMPLE WEDDING! WHERE MY FIANCEE CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS! (pause) You know what? You're done. Monica: What? Phoebe: YOU'RE FIRED! (mimes the CUT again) (pause and she raises her glass) Cheers! (Chandler raises his, smiling and Monica stares at him and he puts down his glass.) [Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey's having breakfast; Phoebe enters the room carrying her wedding dress.] Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Happy wedding day! Phoebe: Oh, happy my wedding day to you! Rachel: Okie-dokey, Joey, listen. This is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? We're gonna have hair and make-up going on in the bathroom and oh, I had to move a couple of things in the fridge to make room for the corsages. Joey: Oh, man! I wouldn't have had breakfast if I knew there was going to be corsages! (Monica enters the room) Monica: Hi. About last night... I know you are under a lot of stress and even though the things you said hurt me a little bit... My point is, uh, well, I'm willing to take my job back. Phoebe: Oh, well that's ok. I think you and I will do much better if you're just... here as a bridesmaid. ……