佩索阿《惶然录》

为你读英语美文·第336期 佩索阿《惶然录》 主播：Dreamer 坐标：西安 The Book of Disquiet 《惶然录》 作者：Fernando Pessoa 英文译者：Margaret Jull Costa，中文译者：韩少功 My soul is a hidden orchestra; I know not what instruments, what fiddle strings and harps, drums and tambours I sound and clash inside myself. All I hear is the symphony. 我的内心是一支隐形的交响乐队。我不知道它由哪些乐器组成，不知道我内心中喧响和撞击的是怎样的丝竹迸发，是怎样的鼓铎震天。我听到的是一片声音的交响。 Some say there is no life without hope, others that hope makes life meaningless. For me, bereft of both hope and despair, life is just a picture in which I am included but that I watch as if I were a play with no plot, performed merely to please the eye--an incoherent ballet, the stirring of leaves on a tree, clouds that change color with the changing light, random networks of old streets in odd part of the city. 有些人说，生活中不能没有希望；另一些说，正是希望使生活丧失了意义。而对于我来说，希望和失望都不存在，生活仅仅是一张把我自己包含在内的画，但是在我的观看之下，更像是一出没有情节的戏剧，纯粹是为了悦目而演出——生活是一场支离破碎的芭蕾舞，是一棵树上狂乱翻飞的树叶，是随着阳光变幻颜色的云彩，是城市奇特地段那混乱无序的网状老街。 I am, in large measure, the selfsame prose I write . . . I’ve made myself into the character of a book, a life one reads. Whatever I feel is felt (against my will) so that I can write that I felt it. Whatever I think is promptly put into words, mixed with images that undo it, cast into rhythms that are something else altogether. From so much self-revising, I’ve destroyed myself. From so much self-thinking, I’m now my thoughts and not I. I plumbed myself and dropped the plumb; I spend my life wondering if I’m deep or not, with no remaining plumb except my gaze that shows me blackly vivid in the mirror at the bottom of the well—my own face that observes me observing it. 在很大的程度上，我是自己写下的散文……我已经成了一本书里的人物，一段被阅读的人生。我感我所感（虽不遂愿），写我所感。我将所思迅速付诸于文字，混合着抹去它的画面，在外物介入的韵律中展开。在这所有的重写中，我毁灭了自己。在这所有的思想中，我是我的思想，而不是我自己。我探测自己的深度，但弄丢了自己的准绳；我毕其一生想知道自己深还是浅，但只能用自己的肉眼来目测，而展示于眼前的一切，在一口巨井的幽黑水面上清清楚楚——我的脸看到我在观察它。 Today during one of those periods of daydreaming which though devoid of either purpose or dignity, still constitute the greater part of the spiritual substance of my life. I imagine myself free forever from Rua Dos Douradores, of my boss Vasques, of Moreira the book keeper, of all the other employees, the errand boy, the post boy, even the cat. In dreams, that freedom felt to me as if the South seas had proffered up a gift of marvelous islands as yet undiscovered. Freedom would mean rest, artistic achievement, the intellectual fulfillment of my being. 今天，在那些白日梦的某一片断里，在那些既无目的亦不体面、却一直构成我生命中精神本质重要部分的白日梦里，我想象我永远自由了，是摆脱道拉多雷斯大街的自由，是摆脱V老板的自由，是摆脱M会计及所有雇员的自由，是摆脱小差役的自由，是摆脱邮递员的自由，甚至是摆脱猫的自由。在梦里，自由给我的感觉，就像一些从未发现过的神奇岛屿，作为南部海洋的赠礼豁然展现。自由意味着休息、艺术成果，还有我生命中智慧的施展。 But suddenly, even as I imagined this (during the brief holiday afforded by my launch break) a feeling of displeasure erupted into the dream: I would be sad. Yes. I say it quite seriously: I would be sad. For my boss Vasques, Moreira the book keeper, Borges the cashier, all the lads, the cheery boy who takes the letter to the post office, the errand boy, the friendly cat--they have all become part of my life. I could never leave all that behind without weeping, without realizing, however displeasing the thought, that part of me would remain with them and that losing them would be akin to death. 然而，正当我想象这一点（在午餐提供的短暂的休息里），一种沮丧的心情突然闯入梦境。我转而悲伤。是的，我相当认真地这样说，我悲伤。这种悲伤是因为V老板，因为M会计，因为B出纳，因为所有的小伙子——那个去邮局取信的快乐男孩，那个小差役，还有那只友好的猫——因为他们都成为了我生活的一部分。不管眼下的想法如何让人不快，我不可能对这一切无动于衷无泪而别，不可能不知道：我的某一部分将与他们共存，失去他们的我将与死无异。 I had great ambitions and extravagant dreams, but so did the errand boy and the seamstress, for everyone has dreams. The only difference is whether or not we have the strength to fulfill them or a destiny that will fulfill them through us. When it comes to dreams, I am no different from the errand boy and seamstress. The only thing that distinguishes me from them is that I can write. Yes, that’s an activity, a real fact about myself that distinguishes me from them. But in my soul I’m just the same. 我有巨大野心和过高的梦想，但小差役和女裁缝也是这样，每一个人都有梦想。区别仅仅在于，我们能否有力量去实现这些梦想，或者说，命运是否会通过我们去实现这些梦想。这些 梦境悄然入心之时，我与小差役和女裁缝们毫无差别，唯一能够把我与他们区分开来的，是我能够写作。是的，这是一种活动，一种关于我并且把我与他们做出区别的真正事实。但在我的内心深处，我与他们是同一回事。 I know that there are islands in the South and grand cosmopolitan passion and [...]. I’m sure that even if I held the world in my hand, I’d exchange it all for a tram ticket back to Rua dos Douradores. 我知道，在南海中有一些岛屿，有宏伟的世界主义激情和[……]。但我可以肯定，即便整个世界被我握在手中，我也会把它统统换成一张返回道拉多雷斯大街的电车票。 Perhaps it is my destiny to remain a book keeper forever and for poetry and literature to remain simply butterflies that alight on my head and merely underline my own ridiculousness by their very beauty. 也许，永远当一个会计就是我的命运，而诗歌和文学纯粹是在我头上停落一时的蝴蝶，仅仅是用它们的非凡美丽来衬托我自己的荒谬可笑。 I know that the day I’m made chief book keeper to Vasques Co. will be one of the greatest days of my life. I know it with a prescient bitterness and irony but I know it with all finality that certainty can bring. 我知道，我晋升为V公司的主管会计的那一天，会成为我生 活中最伟大的日子之一。我怀着预知的苦涩和嘲讽明白这一点，但是又明白这将是事物必然如此的全部结果。 ▎主播介绍 Dreamer: 英美文学博士，大学英语老师 主播：Dreamer, 制作：永清