介绍:
【特别感谢热心听友“王佳云”帮忙听写本篇文稿】
Heyang: When your kids start talking back or mouthing off, that’s顶嘴, it pushes your buttons, of course that’s under the condition that you are a parent. Staying calm feels incredibly hard even though you know, in theory, that a calm response is the best thing for everyone involved. But what if when your kids push back? Is it actually great for their development? What does the expert say, guys?
Nick: Well, in this case the expert is a clinical psychologist called Kelly M. Flanagan and she says that the behavior is actually healthy for kids’ development. And she says that the inability to say "No” is one of the most common causes of human suffering in later life which sounds rather sinister when it is put out like that. But I think which she means that, you know, if you learn to say no to your parents about little unimportant things at an early age then that increases your ability to say no to you know peer pressure kind of things later in life like being forced to drink baijiu, for example. And another psychologist called Joseph P. Allen at University of Virginia so this is all in the US, said he tells parents to think of arguments with their kids not as a nuisance but as a training ground for the kids’ future development. So they are learning all of these skills like negotiation, how to present your own points of view and you know generally how to interact with other people when you disagree with them and not just have a shouting match.
Luo Yu: Right, I think a lot of parents have this mentality. They have to have the control of their kids. They have absolute authority over them. But this is doesn’t necessary have to be a very good thing. I mean if the students can if the kids can push back, it’s a good thing. (Heyang: I don’t want baijiu.) Because, well, you don’t want baijiu and that’s a very good argument from you. I can see that, right? Because I’m raising you Heyang as a future……
Heyang: I don’t want you to be my dad! My dad is better.
Luo Yu: Yes, that’s for true.
Nick: I think things have just taken a very strange turn.
Heyang: What just happened there?
Luo Yu: Because as parents you know they are raising future adults and it actually helps a lot if you can empower your kids to be pushing back at some occasions. You know they will have more bargaining power in the future, have more talk or negotiation power to their bosses, to their teacher and to say no to their fellow peers. And that will loosen a lot of peer pressure when they grow up.
Heyang: That’s interesting and also I think coming from a Chinese guy it’s kind of refreshing to listen to the kind of analysis that Luo Yu has provided here ‘cause I think traditional Chinese families…… OK, Nick, here I need to borrow your foreign opinion here as well. When the kid says no to the parents or challenges the parents I mean the parents take it pretty badly because they think you are either disagreeing with my way of raising you or my beliefs and views in the world or you are just making fuss when you shouldn’t and also in traditional Chinese philosophy parental figure is above all. So I mean in western culture do you get anything of a similar type of significance in the family?
Nick: Yeah, I think it very much of course very much depends on the individual people on a kind of relationship that they have in their family. I think it’s changed quite a bit over the last few generations maybe it’s not as strict as it used to be the style of parenting and of course nowadays we have all of these parenting experts with various strategies and all these TV programs about how to raise your kids better. And some people you know agree with this kind of strategy of you know the kids should be allowed to argue and other people still think you know I am the parent I should be in charge. Yeah, I think it’s not maybe as uniform as it might be in Chinese culture.
Heyang: Yeah, it’s also I think is interesting to make a distinction here like shouting back and arguing can be two very different things because if you are arguing if you are having a RoundTable debate parent and kid then it’s actually critical thinking involved you are having a rational discussion and sometimes a fiery one as well. And if you are just shouting back kid and parent then that’s a completely different thing. It’s an emotional dumping and just you know outlet of your emotion. That’s two very different things. So the study seems to say that you know the kid responding pushing back could be a good thing. I know this is too difficult for two single guys. Oh, I don’t really know what Nick’s situation is but you know you two don’t have kids but let’s just try to say like how should parents deal with kids talking back.
Luo Yu: Just try to encourage, well try to be understanding and encourage them to be different. You can’t say just you know how dare you say something like this and I respect the power from you that you say something different from you and probably I can change my mindset of raising you.
Nick: Yeah, I think as you said it’s difficult not just shout to someone when you are frustrated but I think if you can summon the patience to you know explaining to the child why they should do that, it’s probably better in the long turn although it’s not always possible.
Heyang: That is true and it requires parents to have so much patience that’s the part that I have to say heads to you salute you parents and please be patient to your kid.
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