介绍:
Heyang: When parents try to get their point across to kids, they often blurt out this line. It’s for your own good. 这是为你好。Most respondents to a new survey say that they hate it when parents say this. What’s more, most respondents say that their parents’ approach in educating them at home have actually casted a negative effect on their psychological being. Why is that? So let’s start with this famous line from parents: it’s for your own good. Why are kids (and here kids I mean grown-ups too).
Yuyang: I am sorry I have to start with some facts and figures (no worries, fire away), and then thinking to this logic behind this sentence. Well, according to the online survey of 2,001 netizens jointly conducted by China Youth Daily and Wenjuan.com last week, nearly 59.4 percent of people have been hurt by their parents' "inappropriate" education approaches, with 55.4 percent saying the worst thing their parents did was to only focus on scores and study, while 50.3 percent said "stick approaches" were the worst thing. And in particular, in the survey, nearly 54% respondents cannot accept using excuse as ‘this is for your own good’. And 40.5% say they don’t agree with parents interfering with children’s work and personal life. So meanwhile, nearly 40% said in ideal parent-child relationships, a parent should serve as both friend and teacher, as well as set clear boundaries for the child. Well, when talking about the logic behind this ‘I did this for your own good’, I believe that many Chinese parents think their children belong to them, and children are their property. And they have the right to make decisions for them. You know, and parents insist their decisions are always right, and they would never apologize. What do you guys think?
Heyang: That sounds like parents in China that I don’t understand, that I think it sounds like parents that exist a hundred years ago. I mean if they actually think that their kids are their property or you know, they have so much say over their kids. I mean it just surprises you. What’s your interpretation of what’s going on here Nick?
Nick: Yeah you’ve actually said what exactly I was thinking. This sounds like kind of parents like a hundred years ago. In terms of making all the decisions and the kids have to do whatever the parents think it’s the best, and don’t make the decisions by themselves. I don’t know like obviously I didn’t grow up in China, I don’t have Chinese parents. It sounds like that kind of approach can’t be healthy for any kid to grow up under, I think from what a lot of these statistics that Yuyang gave us will indicate that that is the case. I think you know telling a little child what to do is one thing, but a grown up child is maybe a bit too much.
Heyang: Yeah I guess so, and although we say that maybe it sounds like something that parents would think a hundred years ago, but in many ways, I think tradition sort of runs deep in our culture, and even till today. Some parents still feel that they have um, that’s the part I really don’t understand. They have ownership to your ideas or your decisions in life in some way.
Yuyang: Oh exactly. Chinese culture emphasizes parental authority, as well as respect and obedience on the part of children. So basically, when the children talk about reasons with parents, their parents will talk about family. And when you talk about family, they say you are too young and naïve and have no experience in life. And when you talk about your own experience, they talk about the dignity of the elders. Finally, if it is proved they were wrong, they will say it was all for your good. Anyway, they are always right, they never apologize. Haha~
Nick: No. Presumably these people had this same experience with their own parents, their grandparents. Right? So surely they then found that really annoying, but somehow have still repeated the same thing to their own kids. This is what I don’t understand.
Heyang: oh this is such a good point Nick. And I thought about it exactly, oh great minds, think alike, that must be why. I wondered so if a young person has experienced this when you are growing up, and you become a parent once, and here I think we see the distinction of fools and people with wisdom. The fools repeat exactly what damage your parents have done to you, and you blindly just follow your parents’ action and do the same to your offspring. What kind of fool is that? And also there’s the other type of people-- I think are the wise ones. When you learn from your parents’ mistakes, and certainly just blindly saying ‘for your own good’, is not the way to go. But also I have a different way of looking at this line, I think sometimes today’s parents are feeling a little bit desperate in trying to get their point across. Because often, the kids or the grown-up kids have a lot to say, and can argue in a very affective way too. And the parents feel what is my last line, what is my last resort that I can try to tell my kid that I’m whole heartily thinking in your shoes, and trying to get this point across and I want you to understand me. That is for you own good ahahaha. So I think that actually comes from very a different kind of positions is a possibility too.
Yuyang: That also manifests the anxiety of the Chinese parents. You know one boundary the parents should set is what is over parenting and what is the useful guidance to their children. You know sometimes Chinese parents are hyper protective you know, they make decisions for children; they hire language tutors; they rush on various activities, just like a manager or an agent for a super star. And when the children complain, they will say ‘well, I do this for your own good. You will understand me in the future, maybe now you don’t understand me, but in the future, you will know this is for your own good’.
Heyang: And you will thank me. But I think this kind of language itself is problematic. Cause let’s try to figure out what the purpose is of the parents to saying this. It’s usually to try to convince your kid, trying to sell an idea to your kid, and if you use this kind of language, that is kind of didactic, that is kind of condescending, and that is kind of not encouraging any kind of feedback, but you must listen to me. This kind of attitude just doesn’t convince people. And anybody who has experience in public speaking, or even in the service sector, or in whatever sector, that is trying to get your point across and getting people to understand you, can see that this kind of language or often like imperative sentences itself, it just not make you go very far in achieving your goal. That is trying to let the other person listen.
Nick: Yeah this is the thing, because as you guys have said, obviously these parents do have their kids’ best interest at heart. They are not trying to you know upset them and make them angry, they’ve made these decisions for probably perfectly valid reasons, and not giving those reasons to the kids like ‘I did this because you know you should learn such and such, because it will benefit you in this way’. It doesn’t open the kids’ minds to why that these decisions have been taken, it’s just you know dictator, you shall do this because I said so. And of course that’s gonna promote you know like resentment and rebellion among a child.
Heyang: Or a younger person, or even a grown-up adult. Because who wants to be told off. (Child as in person who has parents hahahah) Yes, so the younger generation.
Yuyang: Oh yeah and in the long term, they might have a far reaching impact on a child, if you are being a dictator of overparenting; if you safeguard boys or girls too much; then the kids will not develop the independence or psychological resilience and the creativity to go through the future obstacles. Yeah, give your child some space.
Heyang: Yeah, and also give your child a little bit more respect I think, respect your child’s intelligence as well, and I understand sometimes kids make some stupid mistakes that parents have made when they’re younger, and they are trying to let their kids know that if you just listen to me, then you wouldn’t need to fall like I have done in the future. That kind of sentiment deserves a little bit more respect too.
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