第159期：一只狗狗的霸气告白

想成为我们的主播，欢迎加微信 xdfbook 投稿。 一段美文，一首英文歌，或是一点生活感想，全由你做主。 《一只狗狗的霸气告白》 Dear Human: A Letter from Your Dog My Dear Human, I apparently need to keep you on a short leash ), because you regularly forget why you are on this earth to begin with. You have one very simple job to do—feed me and pay attention to me when I am not asleep. I fail to understand why you allow anything with a keyboard or a remote ) to take your attention away from your only job, which is me. Technology has made you its slave and I prefer it when you are my slave. Freud ) would say that I have technology-envy, but he can’t really say anything because he’s dead. While I’m venting ), I am concerned about your obsession with hoarding ) my excrement ). When we go outside, you always lunge ) for it with your little blue baggie so you can get it before anyone else does and then you just throw it away. Can you explain that to me? Never mind. You’re an odd duck ), but I like you most of the time. Especially when you hand out the food. But I feel compelled to ask who you really think is taking care of whom in this house? You fetch and hand out the food, but who is guarding the food from the mice and burglars? Who has the giant canine ) teeth? And which one of us is on guard duty day and night because we don’t like spending hours in front of the TV or the computer or yapping ) on the phone? Just throwing it out there for you to think about. As for the furniture, you like to sleep on the bed, same as me. Somewhat confusing to me is why you think I should sleep on the floor. You are a nice person, but you don’t think things through very well. Just saying. By the way, I like the bed, especially when you’re not at home. Now, can we talk about the cat for a moment? Such a kiss-ass ). All that rubbing up against your legs when you come home as if he has done a damned thing since you left hours earlier. Let me enlighten ) you: He slept. He yawned. He stretched ). I was on duty protecting the fat lazy cat and all of the food in the kitchen while you were gone. I was not sleeping. Except maybe on your bed for just a little bit. Lastly, I would like to request that you not call me Sugar Pie or Honey Bun in front of that white poodle ) who lives down the street. Please. Stop. It. You’re killing me. Aside from not wanting to have my manhood doubted in front of the lady dogs, I may also need plausible ) deniability that you and I are acquainted ). Just help me out, pal. No offense. Is it dinner yet? Can I have some food? I want some food. Now. Please. Hello? Step away from the computer and no one will get hurt. Not even the lazy cat. I promise. Hurry up! 亲爱的人类， 我显然需要把你拴得紧一点，因为你经常忘记你一开始来到这个地球上是为了什么。你有一件非常简单的工作要做，那就是喂我，以及在我醒着的时候关注我。我不明白你为什么要让所有那些带键盘或遥控器的东西转移你的注意力，而不去关注你唯一的工作——我。科技已经让你成了它的奴隶，但我更喜欢你做我的奴隶。弗洛伊德也许会说我得了科技嫉妒症，但他其实什么话都说不了，因为他已经死了。 当我拉臭臭的时候，我对你痴迷于藏起我的粪便这件事很感兴趣。我们外出时，你总会拿着你那蓝色的小塑料袋扑向我的粪便，这样你就能赶在其他所有人之前得到它，可接着你就那么把它扔掉了。你能向我解释一下这件事情吗？算了，你本来就是个奇怪的家伙。不过大多数时间里我还是喜欢你的，尤其是当你分发食物的时候。 但我觉得我必须得问一下，在这个屋子里，你认为究竟是谁在照顾谁呢？你拿来食物分给我吃，但是谁一直在看守着食物，使它们不落入老鼠和小偷之手？是谁长着一副巨大的犬齿？又是我们当中的谁日日夜夜在站岗放哨(因为我们狗狗可不喜欢花那么多时间坐在电视机或电脑前，也不喜欢拿着手机聊个没完)？我只把这个问题抛出来，你自己想想吧。 至于家具，你喜欢睡在床上，我也是。让我有点困惑的是，你为什么会认为我就应该睡地板呢。你是个不错的家伙，但你想问题却并不是很透彻。我只是随口说说啦。顺便说一声，我喜欢待在床上，尤其是当你不在家的时候。 现在，我们能花点时间谈一谈那只猫吗？那可真是个马屁精。当你回到家时，他就靠在你的腿上蹭来蹭去，好像自从你几小时前离开之后，他做了件什么事儿一样。让我给你讲讲吧：他睡了觉，打了哈欠，还伸了懒腰。而我却在你离开时坚守岗位，守护着那只又肥又懒的猫，以及厨房里的所有食物。我可没有睡觉，除了可能在你的床上小憩了那么一会儿。 最后，我想请求你不要再在住在街上的那只白色贵妇犬面前叫我“亲爱的”或“小甜甜”了。求你了，别再这样叫了。你这是要杀了我。除了不想在那些母狗面前让自己的男子气概遭到质疑之外，我可能还需要一些可靠的证据，表明我和你并不认识。就帮我一把吧，兄弟。没有冒犯的意思。 这会儿是到晚饭时间了吗？我能吃点东西吗？我想要点吃的，现在就要。喂！离开那个电脑吧，没有谁会因此而受伤的，连那只懒猫都不会，我保证。快点儿吧！ 文章摘自：《新东方英语·中学生》杂志2016年10月号