Story Night 20151108

Sophie-Good evening, Earl Earl –my, my, my Sophie, seeing you in that dress makes my heart race Two-scooped ice cream in a one scoop cone Sophie-Oh Earl, you make me smile I wish we had black people in Poland when I was growing up Earl -Too bad, we really would've enjoyed segregation and Hitler Sophie-Hi building neighbors Well I was just driving by and since it was raining I thought I could offer you two girls a ride home in my town car Max-The last time someone offered me a ride, I ended up in a drainage pipe in Jersey Caroline -Sophie you rent a town car? Sophie-Yes, but only when it's raining Because, you know, I got hair extensions and nail extensions and you know I... I'm too extended to walk Oleg-Hello I saw you from kitchen You turned pick-up window into painting Caroline -Plink Oleg-Velvet painting of nude at counter Max-Clamp, ouch Max-Here is the last check, Earl Earl -Oh Max, can you take care of that for me, please? Max-Sure, why? Earl -Oh nothing pressing. Just having a heart attack I will see you tomorrow Max-Wait, you're having a heart attack? Earl -Most definitely I've had three my life, we're old friends. Max-Earl, you're having a heart attack Earl -I will be fine. Have you seen my tangerine? I have a tangerine set aside for my walk home Max- Forget the tangerine Earl's having a heart attack. Caroline -Sophie, we're taking the town car to the hospital Earl, when did the pain start? Earl -When I saw Sophie in that dress. Max-Oh, hell no. Why is this line so long? The new iPhone come out? Caroline -Let's just get him over there Earl -Max, anything you can do to move this along? Max-Move! Celebrity coming through .Morgan Freeman having a heart attack.He's having a heart attack Red face- On a scale of one to ten, what's your pain? Max- Er.. two, we were just in the neighborhood looking for a place to have jello Red face-I was talking to Morgan Freeman Max-Take him now Caroline - Sir, he has a history of heart trouble Red face-Alright, we'll get him in Caroline -Earl, go with the nurse Earl -Damn, it's a man Caroline - We'll be right out here, Earl. Everything is gonna be okay Red face-Have a seat and wait Max-Look at me, ginger bread if anything happens to him, I will staple your nut sack to that chair Max- That's right, it's me again Red face- For the tenth time, he's fine He had a minor attack, but he's in good hands I would know, I had both of my heart attacks here Max- I wanna go back there and see for myself Red face- Family members only Max- Well, I'm his daughter Red face-Oh, really? It says here he's 75 years old Max-Well, he started late Red face-And African American Max-He started late with a honkey. I'm one of those combo babies Here, you need proof? My last name is Black. See, Max Black He is black. I am Black. It'd be dumb if we weren't related Red face-Can I just get back to playing angry birds? Max-You are yammering on here about nothing while the love of my life is back there alone and scared Red face-You said he was your father. Now he is the love of your life? Max-He's both. We're from the south Red face-Have a seat Caroline - I got us two lattes. It took forever The guy in front of me missed his kidney transplant waiting for a mocha frapuccino Any news? Max-The same, but they won't let me back there I even told them Earl was my father Now's my chance, nurse Chewbacca's on the move .I'm going back there If you see anyone about to notice me sneak by, draw all the attention to yourself Caroline - Max, I don't know if I can do that . You're right. That's kind of my thing.Okay, let me think Max-You don't have time to think, just throw the coffees against the wall Caroline -That's ridiculous I graduated top of my class at Warton .I can do better than that Oh my god. Those were not non-fat Max- Earl, you in here? Earl -Max, is that you? Uh huh, ain't you sweet? But you didn't have to wait around for me This is Narcissus. She's from the Fiji Islands .And gives one hell of a sponge bath Max-Hi, can we have a minute alone? Earl, do you think this is a good time to have a sponge bath? I mean in your condition? Earl -Max, when they look like that, there's never a bad time for a sponge bath Max- So, you're doing okay now? Earl -Pretty good. The doctor says it was a mild one ,but I'm gonna have to stay here a couple nights .Could you find out how much extra for me to get my own room? Max-A private room? Earl -The last time I was in one of these places, the guy in the bed next to me thought he was a parrot ,and asked me for crackers the whole damn night Red face- So what, Now you want a private room? How is he gonna pay for that? Max- Oh, so that old man has to be the only man of America who has to pay medical bills? Red face- Mr. Freeman has done a lot of successful movies Caroline -I don't think your sacarstic attitude is very professional Red face- Professional? Um.. an hour ago, your little thug friend here threatened to cut me so deep that I'd have a vagina Max- That offer still stands Caroline -She's upset And virgina is her go-to Red face-Well, the only reason I haven't called security is they were laid off 2 weeks ago Caroline -What is your name? Red face- Tig And it's fake, so good luck with that Caroline -Sir, you're representing the Shecter Family Wing of this hospital My family knows the Shecters .In fact, their son David interns here And if I made a call, he would not be pleased Max-If you know them, why are we talking to this lump behind the desk? Suck it, red face! We are going over your head. How do you like me now? Bitch! Get your phone. See if he could swing Earl a private room. Caroline - I think I still have his cell number. We went out for a few times until I realized he was serious about going down that pro bono route. Max- - Did you two have sex? Caroline - - No. Max- -Sweet! That's what you get offer him for the room. David-Caroline...Hey, I'll be right with you. Caroline - -There he is. Cuter than I remember. David-Hey. Wow. When I heard your voice mail, I couldn't believe it. Caroline -Yes, well, I wasn't sure you'd want to come down, because... David-- you know... - You dumped me two years ago? Caroline -Well, "dumped" is a strong word. David-Tore my heart out, shook it in front of my face. That any softer? Max- Hate to interrupt the "perfect white teeth" convention, but we're in a hurry. Caroline -David, this is my friend Max. A friend of ours was admitted, and we were hoping to get him a private room. David-Oh, so you're not here to return my Dartmouth t-shirt you stole from me. Caroline -You gave that to me. David- No, I didn't! I love that shirt. I feel like I lost custody of it in a divorce, and now I'm like a deadbeat dad. Max- How about the room? Any chance? Please. Pretty please. David-Oh, well, since you said "pretty please," I'll see what I can do. Caroline -We should be clear. We can't pay. We're broke... both of us. But I'm sure you heard that somewhere. David- Yeah... Everywhere. Caroline -David, I hope your family didn't lose any money with my father. Did they? David- Nope, still filthy rich. And I can do my best to burn some filthy off that rich, by getting your friend a V.I.P. room. I'll just drop some names. By that, I mean my own. Shouldn't be a problem. Max-I love Jews. David- Yeah, we're generous. Spread the word. Caroline -Sleeping in that hospital chair all night wasn't that uncomfortable. Max- No, the chairs weren't. Your sad Valentine whimpering was. So how you feeling this morning? Caroline - Pretty good, considering I survived the very first Valentine's Day .I didn't get flowers from my father. Max- So you got one year under your belt. Don't get so cocky. You still have to make 23 more to tie me. Caroline -You know, all this time, I've been feeling sorry for you 'cause you didn't know your father, but …after seeing how you took care of Earl... I feel sorry for your father that he didn't know you. You would have been a wonderful daughter. Max- Don't hold that thought. I don't want to cry till after we break open the tapioca. Sophie-No, I didn't just win a beauty contest. No, these were left on the front doorstep. They're both addressed to Caroline. - Sorry, Max. Max-- Oh, no, that's cool. Wouldn't want to break my winning streak. Sophie-Oh, well, just look at it this way. She got the flowers. You got the knockers. All right, girls, well, I'm off to buy scratchers before all the Puerto Ricans get them. Sophie-"You'll always be my Valentine. Love, Daddy." Max-- The other one from Dr. Dave? Change his mind after I tore him a new one? Sophie-It's from my father as well, but it's written to you. Max--"Thank you for taking such good care of my sweetheart. M. Channing." Sophie- That is so sweet. Max-Roses from a man. Now I'm starting to get it. Is it weird that I kind of want to have sex with your dad? Plink!