Friends 913 The One Where Monica Sings

Scene: Chandler and Monica's Chandler: Hey! Ross: Yeah! Yeah! OK! Sure! Look! Can we...can we talk about what happened here last night? Chandler: Sure! Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you! Do you believe that who ever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do ...I mean come on! Ross: OK you...you really don't know what I am talking about? Chandler: No! Ross: OK! Last night after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony. Chandler: Our balcony? Seriously? That's so funny because I told Monica we should put lights on our balcony. And she said "No, no. It's too cold, nobody will go out there." And I said "Maybe if we put some light out there they will" Ross: Right that's why I came over to talk about. Hum...I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your balcony, even though there were NO LIGHTS ! Chandler: So are you gonna...talk to her? Ross: Why...Why should I? I mean if she wants to move on, that's fine! Chandler: You know when "That's fine" sounds true when someone yells it and spits! Ross: No I'm serious. I mean she wants to date people? Fine! I don't care but...at least she could have told me. You know I...I've been putting my life on hold and just concentrating on Emma but if she wants to go out there kissing guys she barely knows, then so will I ! Very funny! Ross is gay! Ah! Ah! Chandler: No no no. Good. So you're moving on? Do you have any idea where you're moving? Ross: I don't know. I mean I have plenty of opportunity. Just just now there were some women at the coffee house smiled at me. And then the other day on the subway a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand. Chandler: Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life! Ross: Well, and how about this? There is an anthropologist at school who totally came on to me during the inter-departmental Potluck dinner. Chandler: Why did I get married?! Opening Credits Scene: Central Perk Joey: Hey! Let me ask you guys something. I have a new headshot taken tomorrow right and the photographer said she thinks I should have my eyebrows waxed. Is that weird for a guy? Phoebe: Well it depends. Joey: On...? Phoebe: On how far along he's in the sex change process! Monica: No I totally disagree. No I think it's fine for a guy to do something like that. Such you an actor. Not that you need to, your eyebrows are... Joey: Ok! Stop it you guys! Stop staring! You're freaking me out! Phoebe: Your knuckles are kinda hairy too... Joey: Oh man! I have to get those done too?! Phoebe: Wow! Talking about high maintenance Joey: Hey hey! You dye your hair! Phoebe: I'm a woman! Joey: Arghhh! Double standards! Phoebe: Oh before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight? Monica: Only if I don't have to get up and sing. Phoebe: But everybody sings. It's so much fun! Last time this adorable old man got out there, forgot all of the words, flipped out and everyone booed him off the stage. So funny. Monica: It's just, I'm not good at singing. Phoebe: Oh! What's the matter? Are you scared? You're afraid I'm a better singer? You're afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing? Monica: No no, it's not working on me. Wow! I must be growing up! Phoebe: OK fine! Please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing. Monica: So I don't have to sing and I can just sit there and pass judgments on others? Phoebe: While drinking... Monica: I'm there! Rachel: Hi guys! Listen I really need your help. I think I did something really stupid. Phoebe: Well yes Rachel but you got something so beautiful out there Rachel: No not that. I kissed Gavin last night. Phoebe: Oh my god. Monica: You kissed him? Rachel: Yeah. It was after the party, we were on the balcony and... Monica: Wait wait wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I missed that? Phoebe: It was the end of the party, you were probably ironing wrapping paper. Monica: Oh yeah...So how did you end up kissing? Rachel: You know we were all alone and he was being really nice to me and, oh and he gave me this scarf... Monica: I thought you hated him? Rachel: You know honey, there is a thin line between love and hate, and it turns out that line...is a scarf! Monica: So are you thinking of starting up something with this guy? Rachel: I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy, you know, I have the baby, and I have Ross, and I just...I don't know what to do and I have to be at the office and see Gavin in ten minutes. Monica: Sounds like you need to think about what you want, talk to Gavin, and you definitely should talk to Ross Rachel: Or...I could call in sick and not deal with it at all... Phoebe: Wow! Five-month maternity leave, you're back for four days, kiss a co-worker, call in sick, they are lucky to have you! Scene: Beauty salon Salon girl: Hi Joey: Hey. I'm here for my eyebrow appointment. Salon girl: Name? Joey: Chandler Bing. Salon girl: Ok. Very good. Have a seat right over here Mr. Bing and Sonia will be right with you. Joey: OK Thanks. (Joey touches the hot wax). I touched the stuff Sonia: I'll take care of it Joey: Thanks. Do you get a lot of guys in here? Sonia: Oh absolutely. Joey: Oh good... Sonia: Are you looking to meet somebody? Joey: All right let's just do this. Sonia: We'll get to the wax in a minute. First I want to tweeze some of the strays, ok? This may sting just a little bit... Joey: Please I have an extremely high threshold...Holly Mother Of God! My face! My face! I'm all right! I'm all right! Just a little bit of shock that's all but I'll be fine you can go again. I'm OK (He tries to avoid the tweezers) Dammit! Woman! How Hoooow! Scene: Central Perk Chandler: Hey it's the most eligible man in NY. How's the moving on going? Ross: Not well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand but that person was neither female nor wearing pants. Chandler: Well maybe you're going about this the wrong way. You know I mean think about it. Single white male, divorced three times, two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself.... Ross: That's funny...Do you think you'll ever work again? Chandler: What are doing? You know I can only dish it out! Ross: I can't believe Rachel just moved on and didn't say anything to me Chandler: Maybe she didn't move on, you know...maybe that kiss was just an impulsive one-time birthday thing Ross: No no, about a month ago she gave her number to some guy in a bar. Chandler: Did she go out with him? Ross: No. When he called, I...I threw the message away. Chandler: Ah! The high road... Ross: You know what? Enough! Enough talking! I have to get moving! Hey check out those two blondes over there! Hey come with me! Chandler: Are you trying to get everybody divorced? Ross: You don't have to do anything. It will just be easier if it is the two of us, like college, remember? You...you break the ice with some kind of jokes so that they know you're the funny one and I swoop in with some interesting conversation, so they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding, sexy one... Chandler: I thought I had to make the jokes! Ross: Don't you have to be at work? Chandler: Oh come on! Hello! Hi! My name is Chandler, here's my friend Ross right here, and we were wondering you know if you're up for it. We only need six more people for a human pyramid...Swoop! Swoop! Ross: Hum...So...hum...Oh hey I noticed you were reading the paper...another flood in Europe? Here's a question: "Would you... would you rather drown or be burnt alive?" Blonde girl: Sorry...we were just leaving Chandler: We still got it! Scene: Ross' Rachel: Who is it? Gavin: Gavin! I brought you some soup. Rachel: Why? Gavin: I heard you were sick... Rachel: Oh! Right! Yeah! Hold on, I'll be just clean up in here a little bit! Hello Gavin Gavin: I missed you at work today. How are you feeling? Rachel: I a not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick Gavin: Oh! Good! Because I was having a totally paranoid moment when I thought you called in sick to avoid me. Rachel: Oh no no no Gavin: So I had fun last night Rachel: So did I Gavin: Exactly how contagious is this thing you have? I mean is it a cold for standing on the balcony or did a monkey bite you? Rachel: It's just a cold Gavin: Do you have fever? Let me see. Hum... Rachel: What? What's the matter? Gavin: What's Ross doing to you on that picture? Rachel: Oh he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be funny. Gavin: Right. Right. Ross. So what's the deal with you guys? I don't want to get in the middle of anything Rachel: Oh you're not. You're not gonna get in the middle of anything, don't worry about Ross really, really. (She hears the noise of the key in the lock) Oh! Hide! That's Ross! Hide! Hide! Gavin: Yeah! But you said not to worry about... Rachel: I lied! And I'm not sick! Just stay behind the curtain! Molly: Hi! Rachel: Oh! Molly! You're not Ross. Molly: No I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember? Rachel: Right, right, yes! Molly: Don't panic! Rachel: What? Molly: There is a man behind your curtain. I have a mace in my purse. Rachel: No! That's OK! That's OK! That's OK! No no no no! This is my business associate Gavin. He's just being silly. Gavin come out from behind that curtain! Gavin: Hi! Gavin! Please to meet you. It was my idea to stand there. Molly: Hello! I just go and get Emma. Rachel: OK. Gavin: So hum...Why did I have to hide? Rachel: I thought it was Ross. Gavin: So what if it was? I thought there was nothing going on between you two... Rachel: There isn't. There is totally isn't. Gavin: You hear a key in the hole and you jump like a young bronco coming out of a chute for the first time. I used to be a rodeo clown. Rachel: All right. Look. Gavin...I...I guess I felt guilty that you were here, which I shouldn't. You know Ross and I are not in any relationship but...he is the father of my child, and you know we do live together and plus there is just so much history...you know it's just...I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm just all over the place. Gavin: It's OK. I know it's probably not my place but can I give you a piece of advice? Rachel: Yes Gavin: I think you should talk to Ross about all this. Rachel: People keep saying that. Oh I'm sorry Gavin Gavin: Don't be. It's just bad timing. Rachel: So seriously...rodeo clown? Gavin: One of the best, ma'am, one of the best... Scene: Mike's piano bar Phoebe: "No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world...!" Thank you! (Mike kisses Phoebe) Mike: Oh she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here. I got to get a break and when we come back we've got Kenneth singing "I touch myself"...I'm not here to judge! Phoebe: Hi hi...Oh you have got to sing. Monica: No I told you I can't. Phoebe: But you would have so much fun and you have a really nice voice. Monica: What have you heard me sing? Phoebe: All the time when you're cooking. Monica: What? Phoebe: Yeah you're always singing "Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy" Monica: Yeah I do rock that one. Phoebe: OK so isn't there a little part of you that wants to get up there? Monica: Just a little but...it's just so scary! I don't even know what I would sing... Mike: Well I've got a book around... Monica: "Delta Dawn" Scene: Central Perk Ross: Hi! I could help not notice, but that's an unusual necklace Woman: You already hit on me an hour ago Ross: Right, so that's a firm "no". I cannot believe this, I just keep striking out. Chandler: I don't get it neither, I mean you're obviously desperate, you're asking women how they want to be killed Ross: This is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants and I'm gonna die alone. Chandler: By drowning or...?! Michelle: Why would he break up with me? Her friend: I don't know sweetie. Michelle: All I ever wanted was just love him and have him love me back. I mean, am I so unlovable? Chandler: Well... Ross: I know! (he stands) ……