Friends 1002 The One Where Ross Is Fine

[Joey and Rachel's apartment. The scene starts where we took off in the last episode with Ross seeing Joey and Rachel kissing. Rosss tares at them.] Joey: Okay, Ross, I realise that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but.. Let me explain, okay? Rachel: We weren't doing anything! Joey: Rach, he just saw us. Rachel: Shhh. Joey: But what you saw, that is the extent of it, okay? One kiss. Rachel: No, come on, that is a lie. We also kissed in Barbados. Joey (to Rachel): Dude, chill! (to Ross) Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie. Rachel: Yeah, you started it! I've got to chill. Joey: Look, we probably should have talked to you about this before it ever happened, but.. Rachel: We feel so terrible about this, Ross. Joey: Yeah, but it did happen, so... (Ross looks shocked and says nothing.) Joey: Ross? Rachel: Ross? (to Joey) Can we just close the door? OPENING CREDITS [ Joey and Rachel's apartment. Continued from earlier.] Rachel: Ross, say something. Anything. Ross: So you two are..? Joey and Rachel: Yeah. Ross: And have you .. ed? Joey: No, no, no! Rachel: No, no, no! Ross: But if I hadn't walked in here, would you..? Joey: Probably. (Rachel looks at him.) Joey: No, no! Rachel: Ross, this is not how we wanted you to find out about this. You have every right to go nuts. Ross: I'm not going nuts. Do you see me go nuts? Rachel: No, but you know what I mean. Ross: Hey, hey, hey... If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. (Squeaky.) I'm fine! Joey: Really? Ross: Absolutely. (Very Squeaky.) I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, (deep voice) I'm fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like.. (Screams.) But now that I've had time to absorb it; Lovin' this. Joey: Ross.. Ross: It's all working out! Me & Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do? Rachel: Calm ourselves? Ross: No. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!! Joey: Look, don't you think that will be a little weird? Ross: Weird? What? What's weird? The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas!! (Storms off.) Joey: I do like fajitas. [ Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.] Monica: God, this adoption stuff is so overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption, dependency adoption.. There are so many ways to go, and this is like the biggest decision of our lives. Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee. (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe: Hey guys! Monica: Hey. Phoebe: Hey, have you seen Frank Jr., 'cause he's meeting me here with the triplets. Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds. (Monica glares at him.) Monica: That's sweet. Drink your hair. Phoebe: Hey, what's all this stuff? Monica: Oh, they're brochures from different adoption agencies. Phoebe: Ooh, babies! Oh, this one is so cute, get this one! Monica: That's not really how it works. Phoebe: Oh, how does it work? Monica: I don't know! Phoebe: Well, if you're having a hard time, you should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen. They adopted a kid. I'm sure they'd help you. Monica: Thanks, that would be great. Hey, honey, wouldn't that be great? (Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.) (Frank Jr. and the triplets enter.) Frank Jr.: Alright, alright, alright. Remember what we talked about. When we're in a public place, there are certain rules. (The triplets scream and run amok in the coffeehouse.) Frank Jr.: That's not what we talked about!! Phoebe: Hey! Frank Jr.: Hey. Phoebe: Good to see you. Frank Jr.: Good to see you, too. Monica: Hi Frank. Frank Jr.: Hi, how you doin'? Monica: Oh, my goodness, they've all gotten so big! (Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.) Monica: Which one is which again? Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him. Monica (reads a form in her lap): "Willing to adopt triplets?" No! [ The hallway in Ross's building. Joey and Rachel are on their way to Ross's dinner.] Joey: Ah, can I just say I know we're doing this for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was up to me, this is not what we'd be doing on our first date. Rachel: Well, what would we be doing? Joey: I'd take you out for a romantic night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home... Rachel: Feel me up? Joey: In a carriage! (Charlie walks up to them.) Joey: Hey, Charlie! Rachel: Hey. Charlie: Hi, hi. So.. Dreading this? Rachel: Oh, you bet. (Joey sees that she's carrying a small red bag.) Joey: So, did you bring a little something for Ross? Charlie: Actually.. It's stuff you left at my apartment. Joey: Oh. Oh, thanks. Charlie: And you know, you can just give me my stuff whenever you want. Joey: Yeah, I didn't throw any of that out.. (They enter Ross's apartment. Ross is already quite hyper.) Ross: I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! (Kisses her.) Hi Joey. (Hugs him.) And.. Oh! You're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. (Laughs.) I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. (He squeezes her hand.) Come, please come in. Come in. Rachel: Okay, well, we brought you some wine. Ross: Oh! That is so thoughtful. (To Joey.) She's a keeper. And what did you bring me? (Grabs the bag that Charlie brought for Joey.) Joey: Uh, actually, that's.. Ross: Underwear, a toothbrush, and Van Halen CD. I can use all these things!! Charlie: Gosh, Ross, you know, you seem a little... Ross: What? Fine? Because I am! Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you? You see? Who else is fine? Joey: Okay, listen, hey, Ross. Why don't you try to relax, okay? Maybe have a drink. Ross: You know what? That is a very good idea. I'm gonna go make a pitcher of Margaritas. (Does a Mexican dancing-thing before going to the kitchen.) [ Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. The triplets are now sleeping on top of each other on the couch.] Phoebe: Oh, god. So adorable. Look at them sleeping there like angels. Frank Jr.: Yeah, I really cherish these moments, 'cause before you know it, they're gonna be awake again. Phoebe: Well, they may be a handful, but they're so cute. Frank Jr.: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh, god, the last time I babysat them, they did the funniest thing.. Frank Jr.: I haven't slept in four years! Phoebe: That's a, that's a long time. Frank Jr.: You just don't know how hard it is, Phoebe. There's just so many of them. You know, two I can handle. Two's great. You just hold one in each hand, but what do I do when the third one runs at me with his bike helmet on. I've got no more hands to protect my area! There's three of them, Phoebe, three! Phoebe: Yeah, I know, Frank. I counted them when they were coming out of my area. Frank Jr.: Sometimes I think that.. Oh, no, no, no, I can't say it, it's too horrible. No. Phoebe: What? Frank Jr.: No, I can't. Phoebe: Oh my god, Frank, are you thinking of leaving? Because I didn't have those triplets so you could just run out on them! Frank Jr.: Oh, no! I would never do that. No. I just was thinking that, you know, maybe you could take one. Phoebe: What?! You can't separate them! That's terrible. Which one? [ Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and Monica enter.] Monica: Thank you so much for seeing us. Phoebe has told us such great things about you guys. Colleen: Oh, please, we're happy to help. Bill: We went through the same thing when we were adopting. Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh? (Bill and Colleen look shocked.) Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home. Monica: Well, we appreciate anything you can tell us. Colleen: Well, actually, I think this might help. (She gives Monica a big binder that's perfectly in order.) Colleen: It's pretty much all the information you need. Monica: Oh my god! Colleen: Everything is broken down into categories, and then cross-referenced, and then colour-coded to correspond with the forms in the back. Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm. Bill: I know the process is frustrating, but it's so worth it. Adopting Owen was the best thing that ever happened to us. Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book? (Monica looks at him.) Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first, don't you? Monica: It's.. It's just so pretty and white. Colleen: The bathroom is down the hall, to your left. (Chandler leaves.) Colleen: I would have told him to do it too. Monica: Can I adopt you? (Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.) Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen. Owen: Yeah. Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too. Owen: You were? Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother. Owen: Huh? Chandler: You know how to use a compass? Owen: I have a badge in it. Chandler: You do? That's fantastic! Owen: You wanna see it? Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you. Owen: What?!? Chandler: What? Owen: I'm adopted? (Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.) Chandler: I got nothing. [ Ross's apartment. Ross is totally wasted, but he's still drinking all the margaritas.] Ross: The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood. Rachel: Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some. Ross: Oh, guys, this is fun, isn't it? You know? Just the four of us. Just hangin'. Joey: Dude, are you okay? And when are the fajitas gonna be ready? Ross: I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just.. I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension. Rachel: No awareness. Ross: We make a great foursome. We should do more stuff together. Ooh! Let's take a trip. Okay, where do you think we - we can go? (The oven timer pings in the kitchen.) Ross: My fajitas!! (He runs off to the kitchen.) Rachel: Look, Charlie, I just want you to know. Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting to the thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally doesn't drink like this. Charlie: Oh, you know what? This is nothing. My father is a raging alcoholic. (Joey and Rachel don't know how to respond to that.) Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry, have I made this evening uncomfortable? (Ross enters carrying a frying pan with fajitas - without any oven mitts.) Ross: Fajitas! Be careful, very hot plate, very hot plate!! Rachel: Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on! (Ross laughs.) Ross: That is gonna hurt tomorrow! [ Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. Continued from earlier.] Phoebe: Okay, well, this is crazy. Can't seriously be talking about me taking one of your kids, can we? Frank Jr.: No, of course we're not. Phoebe: Insane. Frank Jr.: I know. Phoebe: Alice would never go for it, right? Frank Jr.: Oh, I don't know, she's pretty tired, too, I think we've got her onboard. Phoebe: Well, just you know, for argument's sake, you know, hypothetically. Which one would you be willing to give up? Frank Jr.: Huh. Phoebe: Frank Jr.Jr.? Frank Jr.: Oh, you'd be getting a really good one. I mean, you know, he's really funny. Like, the other day he made up this joke. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Frank Jr.: What's green and says "hey, I'm a frog"? A talking frog! (Laughs.) Oh, no, you can't have him, he's too funny. Phoebe: Well, alright, that's fine. What about Leslie? Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no. Not Leslie. No, she's, she's the only one that knows how to burp the alphabet. Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler. ……