介绍:
【前言】剧本，文末有删节~
[Scene: Central Perk, all but Chandler are there, Joey laughs for no apparent reason.]
Monica: (to Joey) What's so funny?
Joey: Oh, nothing, no. It's an acting exercise, I'm practising my fake laugh.
Monica: Oh. (she laughs)
Joey: What-what's so funny?
(Chandler enters with a cigarette.)
Gunther: (to Chandler) Oh, no-no, no-no-no, there's none of that in here.
Chandler: Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one.
Gunther: Okay, but only if you give me a drag.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler hands him the cigarette, and he takes a long drag.)
Gunther: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey tit. (hands Chandler back the cigarette.)
Chandler: No-no, why don't you hang on to that one.
(He goes and sits down next to Rachel and puts a cigarette in his mouth, which Rachel takes away from him. He puts another cigarette in his mouth, and Rachel takes it away again.)
Chandler: Okay, that's like the least fun game ever.
Rachel: Well, I'm really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that is going to help you quit. (hands him an audio cassette)
Chandler: Oh. (takes the cassette and puts it on his arm like the stop smoking patch, and it falls off.) Nope, that patch is no good. (Joey and Monica both do their fake laughs.)
Rachel: Come on, it's a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn't smoked since.
Ross: Pffhah.
Rachel: (to Ross) What's your problem?
Ross: Nothing, it's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City.
Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay.
Rachel: Oh right, 'cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks.
Phoebe: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men.
Chandler: Or what my Father called Thursday night.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Ross is handing Rachel a cup of coffee.]
Ross: Here you go.
Rachel: Oh, y'know what, I didn't want cinnamon on this.
Ross: Sorry. (To remedy that, Ross scoops the cinnamon off of the top with his hand.)
Frank: (entering) Hi!
Phoebe: Oh my God!!
Frank: Hi!
Phoebe: Frank! Hi!
Frank: How are you?
Phoebe: What are you doing here?
Frank: Oh, well y'know, I would've called but I lost your phone number and then ah, my Mom locked me out of the house so I couldn't find it. And then, I tried to find a pay phone, and ah, the receiver was cut off. So...
Phoebe: What happened?
Frank: Ah, oh, the ah, vandalism.
Phoebe: But, also, what happened between you and your Mom?
Frank: Well, we got into a fight 'cause ah, she said I was to immature to get married.
Phoebe: You're getting married?!
Frank: Oh, yeah!
All: Wow!
Phoebe: My little brother's getting married!!
Frank: Oh, I knew you'd be so cool about this. All right, ah, hey, do you want to meet her?
Phoebe: Do I?
Frank: Do you?
Phoebe: Yeah, I do, yeah.
Frank: Okay, cool, all right, she just ah, parking the truck. (to Joey) I'm gonna, I'm gonna get my ah, my fianc閑 man!
Chandler: Y'know, I would've bet good money that he'd be the first one of us to get married.
Phoebe: Yeah, isn't it fantastic?
Monica: Yeah, ah, but Pheebs don't you think he's a little young to get married?
Phoebe: What, he's 18.
Ross: Exactly, it'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah, or-or to get a hooker.
Chandler: Always illegal Joe.
Frank: (entering with his fianc閑 Alice, who is obviously much, much older than he is) Hey! Hey! This is ah, my fianc閑, Mrs. Knight. (he points out Phoebe to her)
Alice: Y'know it-it's funny, um, Frank told me so much about you, but your not how I pictured you at all.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm a big surprise.
(Ross lets them both sit in his chair.)
Monica: So, um, how-how did you guys meet?
Frank: Well um, I was in ah Mrs. Knight's ah, I mean Alice, sorry, Alice, I always do that. I was in her ah, Home Ec class.
Alice: And he was my best student.
Frank: Yeah, she was my best teacher.
Alice: Ohhh. (They embrace in a very passionate kiss.)
Chandler: If that doesn't keep kids in school, what will?
Ross: And so now you guys are gonna be married?
Alice: Yeah. Y'know we-we talked about just living together, but um, we want to have kids right away.
(Both Chandler and Phoebe have shocked looks on their faces.)
Rachel: Oh my God!! Great!
Phoebe: Wow, kids. Frank, are you sure you're ready for that?
Frank: I mean, how hard can it be? Y'know, I mean, y'know, babies, y'know who doesn't want babies right? And besides y'know, I never had a Dad around, and ah, now-now I always will, 'cause y'know, it'll be me. Right?
Alice: Y'know, I mean, really we do realise that there's an age difference between us.
Phoebe: Oh good! Okay. 'Cause you were acting like you didn't.
Alice: Oh no, but when it comes to love, what does age matter?
(They both growl and hiss at each other and then kiss passionately again.)
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is listening to the hypnosis tape.]
Hypnosis Tape: You are falling fast asleep. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. You are now completely asleep. You don't need to smoke. Cigarettes don't control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman.
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Monica is working, Rachel is having lunch.]
Monica: And y'know what, I just realised, in the last year I've only gone out with two guys, Richard and Julio. You gotta help me out here, you gotta set me up, you gotta get me back in the game.
Rachel: Well, that shouldn't be a problem. I mean I work in fashion and all I meet are eligible straight men.
Monica: (to a customer) Pete, can I get you something else?
Pete: Yeah, a slice of cheesecake and-and a date if you're given' 'em out.
Monica: Haven't you and I covered that topic?
Pete: Hmm, come on, you just said to her that you....
Monica: Aww, the only reason you want to go out with me because my blond wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.
Pete: Well, if that were true, I'd dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. (to Rachel) Come on, you think she should go out with me, don't you?
Rachel: (laughs) Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? I mean that ain't a pretty picture in the morning, y'know what I mean. That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the night stand, y'know.
Monica: I mean really, think about it.
Pete: Ho-ho, I will.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are being lectured by Phoebe.]
Phoebe: No, I know, I know, that this is Frank's life, (walks behind them, they turn around in the leather chairs to face her) y'know. Y'know, I don't want to be all judgmental, y'know, but this is sick, it's sick and wrong!
Ross: Pheebs, what, is it the age thing?
Phoebe: No-no, oh, I'm fine with the age thing y'know, until it starts sticking it's tongue down my little brother's throat!
Joey: Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.
Phoebe: But, I mean, do you think he's gonna enjoy it when he's up to his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?! This is not fair to Frank, (she walks behind them again, and hey again turn to follow her) and it-it's not fair to the babies, and y'know what, it's not good home economics.
Joey: Well, have-have you told him how you feel?
Phoebe: Yes. Not out loud.
Ross: Pheebs, if you don't tell him, soon he's gonna be married, and then you're gonna hate yourself.
Phoebe: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he's gonna hate myself. I mean look at him and his Mom, I can't. (pause) But, you guys can, please you gotta talk him out of it.
Ross and Joey: No-no-no-no-no. (They start to turn away, but Phoebe stops them, and turns them back to face her.)
Phoebe: Come on, you guys, you have nothing to lose, I have everything to lose. Do you want me to lose everything? Everything?!
Ross and Joey: No.
Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go get Frank. (exits)
Joey: So, we're walking down the street and I turn to you and I say, “Hey, let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes,” remember? And then, and then, you turn to me and say, “Nah, let's just hang out at your place.” Well, that was a nice move dumb ass.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are entering.]
Rachel: I think you should definitely go out with this guy.
Monica: Nah, he doesn't do anything for me.
Rachel: Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on Walker: Texas Ranger?
Monica: Well, umm, Walker was looking for this big bus load of kids.... (realises) All right, I get your point.
Rachel: All right.
Chandler: (entering, carrying a briefcase) Hi.
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago? I just carry it around. Do you have any Chap Stick?
Monica: Uh, yeah.
Rachel: Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya?
Chandler: Y'know what, pretty good.
Rachel: Yeah?
Chandler: Good! I haven't smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a stunning blouse.
Rachel: Thank you.
Monica: Here you go.
Chandler: Thanks
Rachel: Hey Mon, let's give Pete a chance Come on, he was funny, he seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable.
Chandler: What check thing?
Monica: As a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me gave me a $20,000 tip. His number is on the check, he just did so I'd call him.
Chandler: (reading the check) Pete Becker. Pete... (quickly grabs a magazine and opens it up to show her a picture) (pointing to the picture) Is this him?
Monica: That's Bill Clinton.
Chandler: Who's he huggin'?
Monica: Oh my God! That's Pete! But why is Bill huggin' Pete?
Chandler: This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that program!
Rachel: We use it!!
Chandler: There you go!!
Rachel: Oh my God, Monica's gonna go out with a millionaire.
Monica: I'm not gonna go out with him.
Rachel: Oh my God, I can't believe this is a real $20,000 check, oh this is just so exciting.
Monica: Or incredibly offensive.
Rachel: Oh yeah, sure, that too.
(Chandler is putting on the Chap Stick the same way that women put on lipstick, including the bit with the piece of tissue.)
Chandler: (to the girls who are staring at him) What?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are talking to Frank.]
Ross: All we're saying is don't rush into anything.
Joey: Yeah, come on, think about it. You're 18, okay, she's 44, when you're 36, she's gonna be 88.
Frank: What, you don't think I know that?
Joey: Look, the point is, there's a lot of women out there you haven't even had sex with yet!
Ross: Yeah, he-he's right, he's right. This is your time y'know, yeah, you're young, you're-you're weird, chicks dig that.
Frank: Okay, but isn't sex better when it's with one person that you really, really care about.
Joey: Yeah, in a poem maybe.
Ross: No the man's right, that's what I had with Rachel.
Frank: You don't have it anymore?
Ross: No, I ah, I slept with someone else.
Frank: Okay, so wait, all right, so how does that make things better?
Ross: It didn't.
Frank: Okay, so what you used to have with Rachel, is what I've got with Alice.
Joey: Now, wh-what, what is that like?
Frank: It's so cool man, it's so, it's just 'cause being with her is so much better than like not being with her.
Ross: Yeah, yeah.
Joey: (to Ross) Why can't I find that?
Ross: Don't ask me, I had it and I blew it!
Joey: Well, I want it!
Frank: You can have it!
Joey: I don't know, maybe I can't. I mean, maybe there's something wrong with me.
Ross: Oh, no! No!
Frank: It's out there man! I've seen it! I got it!!
Joey: Then you hold on to it!!
Frank: All right, man!!
Joey: All right, congratulations you lucky bastard! (hugs him)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it's after Ross and Joey's talk with Frank, and Phoebe's is finding out what happened.]
Phoebe: (to Joey) You're Frank's best man?!
Joey: I couldn't help it, there love is so pure.
Phoebe: Well then, (to Ross
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