Friends 414 The One With Joey’s Dirty Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.] Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this now? Joey: Guggly worm. Phoebe: (laughs and picks up another lure) And this? Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer. Phoebe: (laughs harder) You make it so funny. Monica: (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what’s this? Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich) Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller’s got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It’s the classic struggle between man and—(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a lamp. Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) That’s all right. Hey you guys, you know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I’m doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?" All: Great! (Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck in tow.) Chandler: You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here. Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.) Monica: Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week? Joey: Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two. Monica: What’s Phase Two? Joey: Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club. Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better? Ross: Because there are naked ladies there. Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women. Ross: There are naked ladies there too. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.] Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week? Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is. Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I need? Rachel: Yeah! Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves. Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let’s see. (Grabs his hand.) You’re about—well uh, this one is large. And this one—(Grabs the other hand.) Joshua: Also large? Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up! Joshua: Okay. Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment? Rachel: Yes. Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London—well Shropshire really but y’know—well she’s about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you’d like to keep her company this evening? Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great! Mr. Waltham: Oh, good. Rachel: Me, Fledermaus, great. I really—(motions to Joshua.) Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much. Joshua: So…(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?") Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.) Joshua: Gloves? Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I’ll be right back! Joshua: Uhh, actually y’know what, I kinda—I have to take off. Rachel: Oh. Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight? Rachel: No! Nothing! Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it’s opening tonight, would you like to come? Rachel: Yeah! That would be great! Joshua: You’re into hardcore S&M right? Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guess—I… Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I’m gonna get there early, but I’m going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me. Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha! Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn’t I? Rachel: What? Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus. Rachel: Oh. Oh, right. Mr. Waltham: I think you’ll like it, it has two out of the three tenors. Rachel: Oh yay! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.] Chandler: Y’know, I can’t believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I’m never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants! Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take ‘em off and we’ll have some fun. Joey: (entering) Hey-hey! Ross: Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.) Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea. All: (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow! Monica: You stink! Ross: Are you kidding?! Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how’s he doing? Ross: He hasn’t gotten out of that chair in two days. Joey: (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How’s it going? (Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.) Joey: (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, I’ve got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah! Rachel: (entering) Hey! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, Monica! Monica: Uh-oh, what’s the matter? Rachel: Ohh, it’s Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So… What are you gonna do? Monica: I don’t know sweetie. Rachel: No! Help me! Monica: I can’t! I have to work! Rachel: Phoebe? Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening. Rachel: Ugh! Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me. Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is—I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know the "Wouldn’t it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back? Monica: No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you smell. Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi! Ross: Hi! Rachel: So…. Ross: No. Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!! (There’s a knock on the door.) Monica: I think she’s here. Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please! Ross: You want me to take some girl I’ve never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie. Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she’s looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can’t see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello! Woman: Hello! (Monica screams) Rachel: I’ll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we’ve gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me? Ross: All right, I’ll do it. Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily? Emily: Yes. Rachel: I’m Rachel Green. Emily: Thank goodness. Rachel: There’s been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I’m not free tonight. So… Emily: Really?! Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? I must’ve missed your call, even though I didn’t leave the flat all day. Rachel: Oh well, no I… Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that’s not rude! It’s perfectly in keeping with a trip that I’ve already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who’s got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum. Monica: I-I-I think you look great. Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.) (Pause) Rachel: I’ll get her. Ross: Please hurry. Phoebe: Don’t you just love the way they talk?! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast.] Phoebe: Ohh! Monica: What? Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted. Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here! Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you can’t go like that! You stink! Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don’t have time! They’re just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it. Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that’ll help the smell. (He opens the door to reveal Rachel.) Rachel: Hey—whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow! Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night? Rachel: Well, I didn’t see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face. Monica: What? Phoebe: Why? Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep. Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her? Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I’m Rachel Greep! I’m Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in. Monica: So you hit her in the face? Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can’t believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me. Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs. Rachel: Honey, that’s you’re name. Phoebe: That’s short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other! (Chandler enters from his bedroom.) Monica: Hey! You’re wearing pants! Chandler: That’s right! Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers. Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning! Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet. (The phone rings and Monica answers it.) Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross! Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him! Monica: Oh-oh, my God! Chandler: Well, can I just… Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what? Chandler: She’s shhing me! It’s my phone and she’s shhing me! Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What’s he saying? Monica: He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont! Phoebe: What? Oh my God! Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily—(realises) noooo!! COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.] Rachel: They’re in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms franticly and hits Chandler.) Chandler: Ow! Rachel: How—how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.) Chandler: Maybe, she doesn’t hit him all the time. [cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.] Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn’t be miserable? I’m telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person. Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! Ross: I’ve gotta go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.) [cut back to Chandler and Joey’s.] Monica: He had to go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Rachel: I don’t get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.)