介绍:
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion?
Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George.
Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there?
Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert.
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)
Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler!
Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.
Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.
Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting.
Caitlin: It's uh, 27 dollars even.
Chandler: Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go.
(The duck starts quacking.)
Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken?
Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first.
Caitlin: (laughs) Great. I'll see you later!
Chandler: Okay, bye!
(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)
Ross: What the hell was that?!
Chandler: What?
Ross: The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm, let's say my sister?!
Chandler: I was not flirting.
Ross: It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney, nasally noises.)"
Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.
Ross: Yeah, right.
Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)
Ross: (backing away) I'm good.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.]
Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law & Order!
Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law?
Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.
Phoebe: Don't get me started on that.
(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)
Chandler: I was not flirting.
Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame!
Rachel: What's going on?
Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!
Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh!
Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.
Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl.
Ross: Well…
Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?
(Ross looks at Rachel.)
Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.
Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place.
Rachel: Hm-mmm.
Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little…
Rachel: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements.
Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!
Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat.
Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.
Joey: (entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother!
Rachel: Big night!
Phoebe: This is so cool!
Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!
Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again.
Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me.
(They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think based on this line.)
Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so…
Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary!
Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)
Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in London…
Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)
Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't?
Chandler: The one that doesn't.
Monica: That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready.
Chandler: Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you?
Monica: That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: (runs over to Phoebe) You have got to go home!
Phoebe: But I like it here!
Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.
Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for them.
Monica: Great!
Phoebe: Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed.
Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. (Goes to her room.)
(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on…)
Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian?
Phoebe: I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we could really tell.)
Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!
Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one?
Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them?
Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?!
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.
Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!
Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings.
Phoebe: These are her earrings.
Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff!
Phoebe: Why not?
Rachel: Because I lose her stuff!
[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.]
Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later.
(His grandmother asks him something.)
Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up.
Chandler: If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference?
Monica: (noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing?
Rachel: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary!
Monica: It's a diaper commercial.
Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!!
(There's a knock on the door.)
Caitlin: Pizza delivery!
Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.)
Caitlin: Hi!
Ross: Hi!
Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.
Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.
Caitlin: What?!
Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.
Caitlin: Oh. Thanks.
Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.
Caitlin: Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money.
Chandler: Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you.
Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)
Chandler: You're welcome.
Ross: You couldn't let me have her, could ya?!
Chandler: What?
Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there!
Monica: What's goin' on?
Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!
Chandler: Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.
Monica: It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine.
Ross: Really?!
Chandler: Really?!
Monica: It's no big deal, I do it all the time.
Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?
Monica: Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you!
Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am.
Joey: (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.)
Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?
Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?
Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women.
Ross: And thank you, for that.
Rachel: But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing.
Ross: What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you.
Rachel: Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me!
Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu!
Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) I found it!
Rachel: Ohh! Thank God! Where was it?
Phoebe: On your dresser.
Rachel: Okay that is the one we already have!
Joey: Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God.
Monica: What?
Joey: (smiling) Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out.
Chandler: (smiling) Well, what is it?
Joey: (smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show.
Rachel: (smiling) What?!
Ross: (smiling) Are you sure?
Phoebe: (smiling) Maybe your scene's coming up?
Joey: (smiling) Not likely. 'Cause you see that body bag right there
Rachel: (smiling) Yeah.
Joey: (smiling) I'm in it.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.]
Phoebe: (smiling) This is terrible, what are you going to do?
Joey: (smiling) I don't know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died.
Phoebe: (not smiling) That's not good.
Joey: (smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all smile.)
Rachel: (smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your fault.
Chandler: (smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon?
Grandma Tribbiani: (Something in Italian to Joey.)
Joey: Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! (Points to the screen, of course it isn't him.)
Grandma Tribbiani: (pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston!
Joey: No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me.
Grandma Tribbiani: No, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One.
Chandler: Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows Capricorn One.
(Phoebe gets up.)
Monica: (following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we're going to leave as soon as the show is over.
Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you!
Monica: No you didn't.
Phoebe: All right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said. (Walks away over to Rachel.) Where is that other earring?
Rachel: It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.)
Phoebe: Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box.
Rachel: Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box?
Phoebe: Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?!
……
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