Friends 601 The One After Vegas

[Scene: The Wedding Chapel, continued from last season. Chandler and Monica are about to get married.] Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married! Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this? (Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!) Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.) Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.) (They storm out into the street.) Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay! (She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.) Monica: Whoa! Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Come on Pheebs! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Phoebe: Okay! Okay! Okay! (They run into the chapel.) (Chandler and Monica are stunned again.) Chandler: Oh my God!! Is everybody getting married?!! (Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards the street.) Attendant: (scolding them) N-No running in the chapel! Phoebe: (to her) Hey! Don’t you give me any of your—Hey! (Sees Chandler and Monica standing there.) Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Monica: What are you guys doing here? Joey: Ross and Rachel left us a message saying they were getting married! Isn’t that why you guys are here? Chandler: Yes! Well that-yes. Monica: Why else would we be here? Joey: Well! What happened?! Did we miss it? Chandler: We actually missed it. Phoebe: Well, maybe you wouldn’t have had you (turns to the attendant) run in the chapel! Monica: This is insane! Phoebe: What’s the big deal, y’know? It’s not like it’s a real marriage. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you’re only married in Vegas. Monica: What are you talking about? If you get married in Vegas you’re married everywhere. Phoebe: (shocked) Really?! Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: Oh my God!—Eh! Well… Opening Credits {Transciber’s note: In case you haven’t heard, Courteney Cox got married to David Arquette during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney Cox Arquette. But David was a busy boy during the off season for not only did he marry but everyone else as well. For they’re all listed as Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow Arquette, in an interesting twist Matt LeBlanc Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David Schwimmer Arquette, and even the creators of the show are now David Crane Arquette and Marta Kauffman Arquette. I just wonder what the new sleeping arrangements are…} [Scene: Rachel’s hotel room, she’s waking up with a horrendous hangover.] Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and groans.) (Suddenly, there’s movement beside her, startling her. It’s Ross! He wakes up and they both start screaming in terror. Then they both grab their heads having aggravated their hangovers.) Ross: Why are we in bed together? Rachel: I don’t know. Do-do you have any clothes on? Ross: (checks) Yeah. Rachel: Really?! Ross: No! But we-we didn’t have…sex-uh, did we? I mean, I don’t remember much about last night, it was such a blur. Rachel: Oh! I remember laughing! I laughed a lot. Ross: And we didn’t have sex. (Rachel agrees with him and starts to get out of bed.) Rachel: Ohh, I mean, we were really drunk. I’m just glad we didn’t do anything stupid. Ross: (getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on the edge of the bed and has "Just Married" written on his back.) [Scene: The breakfast buffet, Phoebe is already sitting at the table as Joey enters.] Joey: Mornin’ Pheebs. (Sits down.) Well, my movie has officially been canceled. Phoebe: Oh Joey, I’m so sorry. You want some of my breakfast? Joey: Nah, I’m too depressed to eat. I’ll probably eat in like 5 minutes. So I guess I’ll just fly home with you guys, what time’s your flight? Phoebe: What about my cab? Joey: I don’t need that anymore. Phoebe: No, Joey! You borrowed my cab; you have to drive it back. Joey: I don’t want to drive all the way back by myself, I get so lonely. (Gets an idea.) Oh—ooh! How about you come with me? Phoebe: I don’t know, it’s such a long trip. Joey: It’ll be great! We-we could talk, and play games! Huh? This could be our chance to like renew our friendship. Phoebe: Are you asking me to have a frenaissance? Joey: Sure? Phoebe: All right. Although I don’t think we need one, I never stopped loving you. (Chandler and Monica enter.) Chandler: Hi! Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Chandler: So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet? Phoebe: Um-hmm, yeah. They left me a message; they should be here any minute. Joey: Where is the waitress?! I’m starving! Chandler: It’s a buffet man. Joey: Oh, here’s where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the buffet table with Chandler in tow.) Chandler: Listen, I gotta talk to you. Joey: Sure! What’s up? (He grabs a plate and proceeds to load it with a huge pile of scrambled eggs. Chandler just stares at him and Joey reluctantly gives him a spoonful.) Chandler: Monica and I almost got married last night. Joey: Oh my God! That’s huge! (Hugs him.) Wait a minute, why come I wasn’t invited? And who was going to be your best man? Don’t say, "Ross." Do not say, "Ross." Chandler: Look, I just don’t think Monica and I are ready to get married yet! Y’know? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast. Y’know? And, how do I tell her without crushing her? Joey: Oh! Tell her she’s not marriage material. Chandler: What?! Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if she’s anything like me, she’s just gonna be relieved. [Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same conversation.] Monica: How do I tell Chandler that it’s too soon. It’s gonna break his heart, he’s not gonna think that I don’t love him anymore. Phoebe: Well you don’t. Monica: Yes I do! Phoebe: Good! Good! I was just testing you. Chandler: (returning with Joey) Hi. Monica: Oh hi! Hi! Y’know, we were just talking about bacon. Phoebe: No, we were talking about tennis. Tennis is more believable. (Ross and Rachel enter.) Ross: Hey! The Girls: Hey! Chandler: Hey! (They both sit down and Rachel pours them both some coffee. They’re acting like nothing’s happened and everyone is just staring at them.) Ross: What? Chandler: Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or… Rachel: (To Ross) I don’t know. (To the gang.) What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing uh, happened last night. Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: Uh-huh! Ross invited us all to watch. (Rachel turns to Ross stunned.) Monica: Rach! We weren’t gonna miss our friends getting married! Rachel: (gasps) Who got married?! (Ross is as surprised to hear this as she is.) Chandler: (not quite sure) You did. Ross: What?! Hello! We didn’t get married. Rachel: No, we didn’t get married! That’s ridiculous! (They turn to look at each other and suddenly remember that they did in fact get married.) Ross: We-we-we—I remember being in a chapel. Rachel: Oh my God. Ross: I—They would not let us get married when we were that drunk! Rachel: No! Joey: They let you get married when you’re drunk! Most people who get married in Vegas are drunk! Phoebe: Hell, I’m drunk right now! (They all turn and look at her.) What? I can’t have a mimosa with breakfast?! I’m on vacation! Monica: What are you guys gonna do? Rachel: Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer? (Looks at Ross.) Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this one’s free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third one’s free. Ross: Laugh it up, but the joke’s on you. Because we don’t need to get divorced, okay? We we’re just gonna get an annulment. Joey: An annulment? Ross! I don’t think surgery’s the answer here. Phoebe: Oh-oh, that’s your thing. Ross: What? Phoebe: You’re thing. You’re thing. Y’know? You’re the guy who gets divorced. All: Oh yeah! Ross: No-no, that’s-that’s not my thing! I do not love getting divorced! Phoebe: Yes you do! This is your third divorce! You love divorce so much you’re probably gonna marry it! Then it won’t work out and you’re gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy. (Pause) I’m so drunk. [Scene: The casino floor, Chandler and Monica are walking through it.] Monica: So, what do you think we should do? Chandler: I don’t know. But I-I-I know I love you! Monica: I know I love you! (They hug.) Chandler: So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you. Monica: That’s a good question. Look umm, last night we let the dice decide. Maybe we should leave it up to fate again. I love you! Chandler: Yes, we don’t get married unless there’s a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then there’s a definite sign that we should get married. Monica: All right, eight we get married, but 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12 we don’t get married. Chandler: Sounds great. Monica: Okay. (They approach the craps table.) Croupler: Coming in, we got a shooter! Money please. Monica: Ready? Chandler: Ready! Monica: (sarcastic) Come on eight. Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, yes eight. (Monica rolls the dice.) Croupler: Eight! Easy eight. (She rolls a 3 and a 5 and they’re stunned.) Monica: Wow! I can’t believe I actually rolled an eight. Chandler: That was so unlikely. Well, let’s get married! I guess. Monica: Wait a minute. That wasn’t a hard eight! Last night I rolled a hard eight. Chandler: That’s right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit! Monica: I wanted it so bad! (Pause) Wanna go pack? Chandler: Yeah. (They go pack.) We’re doing the right thing, right? Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each other’s hands.) [Scene: Phoebe’s cab, Phoebe and Joey are driving back. Phoebe is driving while Joey is sleeping.] Phoebe: Okay, you have 19 questions left. Use them wisely. (Joey groans.) Come on Joey! You can’t win if you don’t ask any (sees that he’s asleep) QUESTIONS!!! Joey: (wakes up) What?! Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip! We’ve been on the road six hours and you’ve been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper! Joey: All right. All right. Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the radio’s broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice. Joey: Really? I don’t… Phoebe: Sing!! Joey: (starts singing) I wanna rock and roll all night! (Falls asleep.) [Time lapse, Phoebe is asleep, Joey’s driving and having a hard time staying awake.] Joey: (to himself) Man, this is a long drive! Are my eyes open? No! (He opens his eyes and sees a hitchhiker.) [Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the car’s still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.] Hitchhiker: (driving) Morning! (Phoebe screams again.) [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, hubby! Ross: Yeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk to you about that whole annulment thing? Rachel: Uh-huh. Ross: I’m not going to do that. (Rachel glares at him.) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier. Rachel starts laughing.] Rachel: Okay! So, we’ll just stay married. Ross: Yes, exactly! Rachel: And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller! Ross: Wow! This is so amazing. I uh, I really thought I’d have to talk you into this more. ……