Friends 612 The One With The Joke

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are there. Ross walks in with a magazine in his hand.] Ross: Hey, you’re not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it! Phoebe: I didn’t know Playboy prints jokes. Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It’s not just about the pictures. Monica: That didn’t work on mom, it’s not going to work on us. Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. It’s the first one, too. (They all laugh indifferently, except Chandler, who’s a little angry.) Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up. Ross: What? Chandler: I made that joke up. Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn’t. I did. Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard. Ross: Hey, tell Dan, ‘Thanks.’ (Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.) Ross: What? Rachel: I’m sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.) Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right? Monica: No. Chandler: Seriously? Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes! Ross: Look, Chandler, it’s my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don’t print the name, so it doesn’t really matter who gets credit, right? Chandler: Yeah, I guess. Joey: (entering) Hey guys. Chandler: (jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke. Ross: No, it’s my joke, it’s mine. You can call them, they’ll tell you. Chandler: It’s my joke. Ross: It’s my joke. Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right? Opening Credits [Scene: Joey’s apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up. Joey: Let’s go watch it at your place. Chandler: Nah, Monica’s watching some cooking show. Come on, I don’t want to miss when they were skinny. Joey: Chandler, Chandler, y’know what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses. Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out? Joey: No, that’s VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . It’s like a lotta noise to me. I don’t know… Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out? Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven’t really paid the bill Chandler: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money? Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot. Chandler: Whoa ho. Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine). Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place? Joey: Sure. Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill? Joey: Not so much. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.] Phoebe: (entering) Hey. Monica: (relieved) It’s only you. Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing? Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy. Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! (She runs over and sits down and checks out a picture). Yikes! Monica: So do you think that these pictures—Are, are they trying to tell a story? Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she’s crying out, ‘Where are they, where are they?’ Monica: Well, she’s not going to find them lying in the grass like that. (They flip through the pages to another picture.) Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over? Rachel and Monica: Yeah. Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. She’s cute, she’s outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that’s got to come in handy Monica: Okay, I’ve got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be? Rachel: (thinks) I don’t know. Monica: Me neither. Phoebe: Rachel. Monica: What?! Phoebe: I don’t know. (Pause) Me neither. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.] Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart had. Chandler: Yeah. Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard. Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it. Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but I’m not even sure I got it. Ross: What, you didn’t get it? The doctor is a monkey. (He and Chandler crack up.) Chandler: And monkeys can’t write out prescriptions. (He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there) Chandler: (stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke. Ross: Your joke? Well, I think ‘the Hef’ would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars. Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money. Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I’ll show the sexy teller that I am a published writer. Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke. Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there? Chandler: Yeah! Ross: Well, I’m not going to go now anyway (he goes to sit down). Chandler: Okay (he goes to sit down). (Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.) Gunther: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go. Joey: Ah, Gunther, I can’t pay for this right now because I’m not working, so I’ve had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin’ for stuff. Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here. Joey: Uh, I don’t know. Ya see, it’s just, see I was a regular on a soap opera y’know? And to go from that to this, I just… Plus, I’d have to wait on all my friends. Gunther: Okay, but the money’s good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want. Joey: What?! Gunther: Flexible hours. Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone? [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are in bed together.] Monica: (visibly upset) She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel. Chandler: (visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it. Monica: It’s wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel. Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I’m going to get a joke journal. Y’know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes. Monica: That’s a good idea. Chandler: Yeah! Monica: Do you know what’s a bad idea? Chandler: Picking Rachel. Monica: That’s right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something? Chandler: Maybe it’s the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts. Monica: It’s coming from the living room. (They go out to investigate, and find Joey wrapped in a blanket watching their television.) Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.) [Scene, Phoebe and Rachel’s, they’re sitting together on the couch.] Monica: (entering) Hey, you guys. Phoebe and Rachel: Hey. Monica: (laughing) Oh, don’t you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple. Rachel: Monica, what are you doing? Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, I’m just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny. Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny. Monica: (angrily) It wasn’t funny at all! Why would you do that? Why didn’t you pick me? Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that you’re … just … kinda high maintenance—Okay let’s go to lunch! Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I’m high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and we’re going to go through it point by point! Phoebe: No, okay, you’re right. You’re easy-going. You’re just not as easy-going as Rachel. She’s just more flexible and-and mellow. That’s all. Rachel: (To Monica) Well, people are different. Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel … she’ll do whatever you want. Y’know, you can just walk all over her. Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I’m a pushover? I’m not a pushover. Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) you’re not a pushover. Rachel: Oh my … you think I’m a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You’re not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that’s pretty strong, that’s what I think. Come on, Monica, let’s go to lunch. (She leaves) Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.) [Cut to the hallway.] Rachel: I cannot believe her. Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat? Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place. Monica: I’m sick of Japanese. We’re not going there. Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool. Monica: All right. [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees Gunther.] Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out. (Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.) Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up. (Ross begins to say something, realizes what Gunther just said, turns, and glares at Chandler. Chandler just shrugs it off.) Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink, ‘cause I’m heading up there. Ross: Uh, yeah, I’ll take a coffee. Thanks, man. Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee? ‘Cause I’m going up there. Rachel: No. Monica: No, thank you. Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need anything, ‘cause I’m heading up there. Woman: I’d love an ice water. Joey: You got it. Monica: Joey, what are you doing? Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a ‘what’s wrong with you?’ look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.) Rachel: Joey, honey, I don’t think you’re supposed to go back there. Joey: Nah, it’s okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if they’re in on a secret together.) Gunther: Don’t wink at me. And put on your apron. Joey: Okay, but I don’t see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons. Monica: Joey, do you work here? Joey: No. Customer: Hey, waiter. Joey: Yeah? Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Monica: Joey, what’s going on. What didn’t you tell us you work here? Joey: It’s kind of embarrassing, y’know. I mean, I was an actor and now I’m a waiter. It’s supposed to go in the other direction. Chandler: So is your apron. You’re wearing it like a cape. Joey: I mean, the job’s easy and the money’s good, you know? I guess I’m going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys. Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine. Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee? Joey: Okay, I guess it doesn’t seem that weird. Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven’t gotten it. Joey: See, now it’s weird again. Chandler: I think it’s great that you work here. You’re going to make a lot of money, and here’s your first tip: Don’t eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.