Friends 613 The One With Rachel’s Sister

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.] Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together that’s (pauses to figure the total) $12.75. Chandler: This coming from the man who couldn’t split our 80 dollar phone bill in half. (A good-looking woman approaches.) Woman: Hi! Joey: Hi! Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte? Joey: Oh that’s on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani. Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime? Joey: Well, he’s not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I good check with him—He says it’s okay. (She hands him her card.) Great! Thanks! Bye-bye! Ross: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isn’t free? Joey: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! I’m getting more dates than ever! Rachel: Wait a minute, you’re only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls? Phoebe: Yeah Joey that is so gross! Joey: How about a scone on the house baby? Phoebe: (giggles) I’m pretty. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly.] Ross: Hey does anyone have any gum? Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, y’know what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know it’s in here somewhere. Ross: Y’know what? I’m good! I’m good! Monica: (entering) Hey! Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work? Monica: (congested) Ugh, they sent me home. They said I can’t work if I’m sick. All: Ohh! Chandler: I’m so sorry you’re sick. Monica: I’m not sick!! I don’t get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies! Rachel: Honey, no one thinks you’re a pansy, but we do think you need a tissue. (She notices something hanging from Monica’s nose, as does Joey.) Monica: (wiping her nose) I have not been sick in over three years! (Sneezes.) Chandler: I’m gonna grab you some tissue. Monica: I don’t need a tissue! I’m fine-d! Ross: When you put a ‘D’ at the end of ‘Fine’ you’re not fine. Monica: I’m fine-d. I’m fine-d! Y’know, it’s a really hard word to say. (There’s a knock on the door. The gang is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.) Chandler: Yes? (A woman enters.) Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister. Rachel: Oh my God, Jill! Jill: Oh my God, Rachel! (They run and hug each other.) Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us! Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.) Jill: Hi! Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross! Ross: Hi Jill. Rachel: And that’s Phoebe (points), and that’s Joey. Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin’? Rachel: Don’t!! (Joey backs away frightened.) (To Jill) Honey, what are you doing here?! Phoebe: (To Ross) Which-which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or that’s bitter? Jill: (To Rachel) Daddy cut me off. Phoebe: Never mind, I got it. Jill: And y’know what I said to him? "I’m gonna hire a lawyer and I’m gonna sue you and take all your money. Then I’m gonna cut you off!" Rachel: Wow! What did he say? Jill: That he wouldn’t pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter he’s actually proud off. Rachel: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dad’s proud of me! My dad’s proud of me. Monica: Rach? (Points to Jill.) Rachel: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you off? Jill: Okay, I bought a boat. Monica: You bought a boat? Jill: Yeah but it wasn’t for me, it was for a friend. Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.) Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! I’m the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna get a job, you’re gonna get an apartment, and then I’ll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us? Phoebe: Of course, yeah! Jill: Oh, that’s so great! Okay, I’m really gonna do this! I don’t know how to thank you guys. Phoebe: Ooh, I like cards. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch.] Joey: (to a customer) Are you all finished here? Customer: Yes. Joey: Great! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes it.) Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars. Joey: What?! Gunther: For all the free food you gave away. Joey: Well if it’s free food, how come you’re charging me for it? Gunther: We don’t give anything away unless it’s someone’s birthday. Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest? Gunther: No! Joey: (to a woman who came in third in a modeling contest) Sorry! (He grabs her muffin away and returns it to the serving tray.) Jill: (entering, carrying a bunch of shopping bags) I just had the hardest day. Those bags are so heavy. (Sets them down.) Ross: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your credit card. Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, "Don’t you want to rent me this apartment?" pants. Ross: I don’t think charging new clothes too your dad qualifies as making it on your own. Jill: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical! Phoebe: Seriously, I don’t Rachel’s gonna think it’s a good idea. Jill: So who made her queen of the world? Phoebe: I would love that job! Rachel: (entering) Hey! What’s goin’ on? Jill: Hey! Rachel: (notices Jill’s bags) Jill! Did you shop?! Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross) Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping! Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jill’s nose when you know she’s trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible! Phoebe: Sorry Jill. Ross: Sorry-sorry Jill. Rachel: What’d you get? Phoebe: Oh well, all right, I got (Ross hands her a bag) (To Ross) thank you, I got uh, this y’know "I want a job sweater." (Holds up the same sweater.) Rachel: Oh. Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants. Rachel: Apartment pants? Phoebe: Yeah, you never heard of them? Rachel: No, of course, of course I’ve heard of them! Ross, what did you get? Ross: Huh? Oh, I got this—(Holds up this pink frilly thing)—this! Rachel: A pajmena? Ross: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies! Rachel: Really? Ross: Ross, wants a pajmena? Ross: It’s a rug. (Jill winces.) Rachel: Jill? Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) I’m sorry Rachel, I’m sorry… Rachel: Oh, come on! You think that’s gonna work on me?! I invented that! Jill: Right! But, I am sorry. Rachel: All right, it’s okay. One little setback is okay, just don’t let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But I’m just gonna take the-the pajmena. (Ross hands it to her.) And the uh, and the uh pants. Y’know what, I’m just gonna take it all away, ‘cause that way you’ll just really learn the lesson. Okay? All righty, I’m gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. (Leaves with all of Jill’s stuff.) Jill: She took all my stuff. Ross: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one. (Holds it up for her.) Jill: (gasps) That’s the best one! Oh my God, (hugs him) thank you so much! Ross: Well. Hey… Jill: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pajmena could be a rug! Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, (mimics her fake cry) "I’m sorry!" Jill: (hits him) Shut up! I did not sound like that at all! Phoebe: What about, what about when I said y’know about the apartment pants, how dumb was I? (They both look at her.) Jill: Were you this cute in high school? Ross: Oh stop. Jill: No you stop! Ross: No, you stop! Jill: You stop! Phoebe: (gets up and sits between them) Okay-okay, why don’t I sit here and you’ll both stop it! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still very sick and is entering the living room from the bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a magazine.] Monica: Okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? Let’s do something crazy! Chandler: I know, let’s rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.) Monica: Okay, I’ll rest. But y’know if I’m going to bed, then you’re coming with me. Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if you weren’t all drippy here. (Points to his nose.) Monica: (wiping her nose) Are you saying that you don’t wanna get with this? (Tries to do a little sexy body rub, but it doesn’t work all that well with the big robe.) Chandler: Yeah, I don’t you should say that even when you’re healthy. Monica: (in a sexy voice) Come on. (Coughs loudly.) Chandler: Don’t take this personally okay? It’s just that I just can’t have sex with a sick person. Monica: I’m with you Chandler! I mean I can’t have sex with a sick person either, that’s disgusting! But I’m not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of libe. Chandler: That’s the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe. [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.] Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Rachel: What’s up?! Phoebe: Umm, I think there’s something you should maybe know. Rachel: Well, it’d better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it. Phoebe: No. No. It’s just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, I’m pretty sure I saw a little spark between them. Rachel: What?! Phoebe: Yeah I mean it’s probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there. Rachel: With Ross and Jill? Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: With Ross and my sister? Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross? Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: Oh there is no way. Phoebe: Okay then. Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I don’t really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn’t that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and they’re gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can’t stop it! I can’t—I don’t own Ross! Y’know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I can’t believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. Phoebe: But great news about the apartment pants, huh? [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving the bill to the same beautiful woman from before.] Joey: That’ll be $3.85. Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff! Joey: It’s just I can’t because my manager said I… (Gets an idea) (Starts singing) "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Annie… Woman: Amy! Joey: (still singing) "…Amy! Happy birthday to you!" A Male Customer: Hey, that’s weird, today’s my birthday too! Joey: Yeah, not it here it isn’t. Jill: (entering) Sorry I’m late, what’s up? Rachel: (on the couch) Oh hi! Y’know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front. Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn’t go in. How strong am I?