Friends 615 The One That Could Have Been

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Wow! Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?! Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy. Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-who’s Barry and Mindy? Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend. Joey: Ohh-oh, wasn’t he cheating on you with her? Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me. Monica: Why did they get divorced? Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn’t that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be? Ross: I know what you mean, I’ve always wondered how different my life would be if-if I’d never gotten divorced. Phoebe: Which time? Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn’t realized she was a lesbian. Joey: (starts to imagine it) I can’t. I keep seeing it the good way. Ross: I’d bet I’d still be doing my kara-tay. (That’s karate, he’s just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y’know, not doing anything else physical. Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay. Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldn’t be dating me, that’s for sure. Chandler: Sure I would! All: (simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right! Chandler: What, you guys really think that I’m that shallow? Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat. Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, there’s Carol again! Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I’d probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job’s fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I don’t have to wear a tie. Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch? Ross: What?! Rachel: Merrill Lynch? Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks. Rachel: Well why didn’t you take the job? Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So I thought y’know that if I’d work with stocks, I’d have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox. Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we’d still hang out? Opening Credits {Transcriber’s note: This is where the opening credits are, but they’re not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachel’s still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then they’re dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesn’t apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.} [Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.] Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green? Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman! Ross: No-no. It’s-it’s me, Ross! Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. Ross Tillman. Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller. Rachel: Ohh, of course Monica’s brother! Ross: Yeah. Right. Rachel: Wow! How are you?! Ross: Good-good, I’m-I’m married. (Shows her his ring.) Rachel: Ohh! Me too! Ross: Is-isn’t it the best? Rachel: Oh, it’s the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm how’s Monica? Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she’s right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi. Rachel: Ohh, I would love too. Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, she’d be so excited! Rachel: Ohh! Okay! Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.) Rachel: Oh wait, don’t you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies? Ross: No, it’s okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I don’t… Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay. Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay. Rachel: But! Don’t you have to give him his money back? Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, let’s go see Monica! [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monica’s boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monica’s fat, I won’t be calling her Fat Monica throughout.] Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh? Monica: He’s not boring! He’s just-he’s just low key. Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.) Monica: Thanks. Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Y’know, the hazelnut actually not a nut, it’s a seed. Joey: (not impressed) Wow!! Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed that’s been masquerading as a nut? Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.) Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey. Joey: Hey. Monica: Oh no! What’s the matter? Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny." Monica's Boyfriend: Y’know what honey? I got to get back to the hospital. Monica: Okay. Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay. Monica: Bye. Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.) Chandler: Was his question what’s more boring than him? Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money? Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride. Joey: Really? Chandler: Ehh. Monica: Maybe Joey doesn’t have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right? Joey: That’s an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her? Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff! Joey: That’s great! That would be great! Let’s do that! Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write. Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard! Chandler: Okay! Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don’t need any assistance in there, take a break! Chandler: All right! (As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. She’s wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.) Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what? Phoebe: What? Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant! Phoebe: Ohh that’s so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, it’s a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it’s okay. It’s okay, you’re allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired. (She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.) Ross: Hey Mon! Monica: Hey! Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.) Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific! Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (She’s not quite sure of that one.) Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds! Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.) Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Oh yeah. Ross: And that’s Phoebe over there! (Points to her.) Phoebe: Hi! Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since we’ve seen each other? Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahon’s party. I played you one of my songs, y’know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual. Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, are—do you, do you still do music? Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! I’ll play you one of my other… Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here! Monica: Rach, he’s a friend of ours. Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray? Chandler: Well it’s kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he’s not real. Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime! Rachel: He’s coming over! He’s coming over! Monica: (getting up) Joey! Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.) Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together. Rachel: (giggles and can’t look at him) Hi! Joey: (shaking Rachel’s hand) Hi! Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you… Joey: Well, it’s always nice to meet the fans. Rachel: Ah! Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) She’s not crazy is she? Monica: No. Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin’? [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe’s cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.] Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Who’s this? (Listens) Oh okay, you’re gonna like working for me. What’s your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I… Whatever… Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name. Joey: (entering) Hey there you are! Chandler: Uh-oh, it’s my boss! Joey: All right, here’s a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work I’m delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.) Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans. Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are don’t you? Chandler: What? Monica: You’re his bitch. Phoebe: (yelling from Monica’s room) No-no!! No!! Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didn’t just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!! Phoebe: No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13 million dollars. Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?! Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can’t call my office they’ll kill me! I can’t call my clients they’ll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts. Monica: What?! Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can’t breathe. Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?! Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm? Monica: Yes!!