[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon.]
Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I can’t wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.
Monica: You’re really sticking with the shell necklace huh? (Points to necklace of shells he’s wearing.)
(Joey and Phoebe burst forth from his apartment.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Joey: Hey! You’re back! (Hugs and kisses all around.)
Monica: Hi sweetie!
Phoebe: Come on in!
(They grab the luggage and drag it into Joey and Rachel’s forcing Monica and Chandler to follow.)
Phoebe: So how was the honeymoon?
Monica: Oh, so much fun. But the best part is, we met this incredible couple on the way back.
Phoebe: That was the best part? (To Chandler) Good honeymooning tiger.
Monica: No, they were really cool. They were on their honeymoon too!
Chandler: They’re terrific, and they live right here in the city.
Monica: Yeah, can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I wanna call.
Chandler: I’m sorry, we’re just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with.
Monica: I know.
Joey: A couple? Like two people? Like (points to himself) one (points to Phoebe), two people?
Monica: This is different! Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.
Phoebe: Oh, Greg and Jenny yuck! (Angrily) Hi Greg, I’m Chandler this is Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg.
Chandler: Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance…
Joey: Y’know what? Why don’t you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here?
Chandler: We really…didn’t get a chance to…
Phoebe: You have got to be kidding me!
Monica: We didn’t get anything for anyone.
Joey: Hm-mm! Yeah nice necklace!
Monica: That you can have.
Opening Credits
{Transcriber’s Note: Tradition was broken here as there were no commercials immediately after the opening credits, just more show.}
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Rachel are entering with the rest of the gang already inside.]
Rachel: Hi!
All: Hey!
Ross: Hello!
Rachel: Welcome home.
Ross: So, how was the honeymoon?
Monica: It was great! It was great! How about you?! I mean you’re having a baby!
Rachel: Oh! Look! I have a sonogram picture!
Monica: Oh great! (Shows them the picture.)
Chandler: Ross! It’s got your wavy black lines!
Monica: All right, so now that Ross knows can you tell us y’know how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen?
Phoebe: Monica! That’s not right! Start with where.
(Rachel looks at Ross and gets his approval.)
Rachel: Well it happened about six weeks ago, and uh I had just got home from work and Ross was already there ‘cause I guess he had been hanging out with Joey.
Joey: You’re welcome buddy.
Ross: (glaring at him) Yeah, thanks. (Joey nods no problem.)
Rachel: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me.
Ross: (laughs) Umm that’s…that’s a little misleading.
Rachel: What is?
Ross: The lie you just told.
Rachel: That-that you came on to me?
Ross: There’s the one!
Rachel: But you did! I mean, let’s be honest.
Ross: Yes let’s. Y’know what? Uh, it’s-it’s not important. What is important is that, is that we’re having a baby. And it’s not—Doesn’t matter who came on to who.
Joey: Whom. (Everyone looks at him shocked.) That’s right.
Rachel: You know you kissed me first.
Ross: What? What?! You were begging me to kiss you! You-you-you were sending me signals all over the place!
Rachel: I was sending you signals?
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross begging symbols, please show of hands. (Ross raises his hand and no one else.)
Ross: Y’know what?! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter what you believe! What matters is what happened!
Rachel: Okay. So these signals Ross, explain this to me, ‘cause maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?
Ross: Y’know what? Y’know what? Rachel, just-just drop it.
Rachel: No please, show me how I begged you!
Ross: I can show you, I have it on videotape! (Stunned silence) It’s an expression.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time has lapsed, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table.]
Phoebe: I can’t believe he taped the two of them having sex!
Joey: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake.
Chandler: Y’know who has a great video camera?
Phoebe: (nasally) Greg and Jenny?
Monica: Do you still wanna call ‘em? I wanna call ‘em.
Chandler: Let’s call ‘em.
Joey: Yeah! Ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs!
(Monica goes over and dials their number.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Eighth street deli?
Joey: Hey, hang up! You get food poisoning just talkin’ to that place.
Monica: (on phone) Uh sorry, wrong number. (Hangs up)
Chandler: Here you go. (Shows her the number again.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) (To All) It’s the deli again!
Joey: All right! I’ll have a sandwich!
Monica: (hangs up) I don’t think this number’s right!
(Joey and Phoebe laugh.)
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: You got fake numbered.
Monica: What?! People don’t do that!
Joey: Oh I think we do.
Monica: They gave us a fake number? Why? Why would they do that?
Chandler: I don’t know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions.
Monica: And you’ve never been funnier. Joke, joke, joke, you were a hoot!
Joey: Y’know what? Don’t worry about it, you still got me and Phoebe.
Phoebe: Excuse me, I don’t want Greg and Jenny’s rejects.
Ross: (entering) Rachel won’t talk to me! She won’t even open the door!
Phoebe: Hmm, I wonder why. Pervert!
Ross: Okay, listen I am not a pervert!
Phoebe: That’s like the pervert motto! Yeah! Yeah! They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that!
Ross: Filming Rachel is not something I planned. Okay look, here’s what happened, and Joey you-you can back me up on this. All right, about-about a month and a half ago I came to you with a problem? Umm, a personal thing.
Joey: Personal thing? What personal thing? I don’t know.
Ross: About…about sex? (Joey looks at him confused) That I hadn’t had sex in months?
Joey: (laughs) Yeah I knew what you were talkin’ about.
Six Weeks Earlier
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading a cereal box as Ross enters wearing the red sweater.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Do you have a minute? I’d like to talk to you about something I’m, I’m really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. What? About uh, you showering with your mom?
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind! I’m, I’m kinda going through a dry spell, sex wise.
Joey: Whoa, for like months?
Ross: Five to be lying, six.
Joey: Six months? Whoa that’s rough.
Ross: Well, I mean it’s not all bad. I’m learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
Joey: The sky’s blue Ross and I had sex yesterday!
Ross: Please, help me! I have a date tonight. It has to go well okay—I’m scared for my health!
Joey: Okay. Okay. Umm…Ooh! Oh-oh, I got something. It’s this story I came up with, very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it; they’re like putty.
Ross: Really? Well then tell it to me.
Joey: Okay. Now you’re gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember it is just the story.
Ross: (sarcastic) I’ll try to control myself.
Joey: Okay. (Clears throat) Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe…
Ross: (laughs) You were backpacking across Western Europe?
Joey: Have a nice six more months Ross! (Starts to leave.)
Ross: (stopping him) Okay! Okay! Okay. I’m sorry. Please, please, you were in Western Europe and?
Joey: I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all around. (Whispering) It was dead silent. Gorgeous. (Softly) And across the lake I saw…a beautiful woman…bathing herself…but she was crying…
Ross: (intently listening) Why?
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is on his date with Kristen and they’re drinking wine.]
Kristen: Umm, this is great wine.
Ross: It’s from France…In Europe…Western Europe. Y’know umm, a few years ago I actually was backpacking across Western Europe.
Kristen: Really?
Ross: Uh-hmm—Wait! It gets better. Um, yeah I was in Barcelona.
Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona. (Ross is stunned and worried.)
Ross: Anyway, umm so I was um, I was hiking…
Kristen: I love hiking!
Ross: (whines) Oh that’s great! I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidaybo…
Kristen: I think its Tibidabo.
Ross: Okay! Do you wanna tell the story?!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Ross enters.]
Joey: Whoa! What are you doing here? How did your date go?
Ross: Great! I’m across the street having sex with her right now. Your story sucks!
Joey: Hey! Look, if it didn’t work it’s because you didn’t tell it right! Show me how you did it.
Ross: No! No, I don’t…don’t want to.
Joey: How long since you’ve seen a girl naked?
Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe.
Joey: I’m not feeling it.
Ross: I was just outside Barcelona, hiking…
Joey: No! No! No Ross! I’m not hot! Are you hot?
Ross: It’s been six months! I’m always hot!
Joey: Well you’re not selling the story! It’s like; it’s like you don’t believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when I’m preparing for an audition. Okay? I’ll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and-and see what you’re doing wrong.
Ross: I’ll try that.
Joey: All right now… All right, you’re all set up. You’re good to go. Just hit record. All right?
Ross: Thanks.
Joey: Good luck.
Ross: Thanks. And-and hey Joe?
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: Listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know I’ll help you out.
Joey: (trying not to laugh) That means a lot to me man. (Exits.)
(Ross pours himself a glass of wine, hits record, and sits down in front of the camera.)
Ross: Hello! Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery okay? (Rachel bursts in carrying two boxes and Ross jumps up.) Rachel!
Rachel: Oh Ross!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: Thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself?
Ross: That’s less embarrassing, yes. Yes I was.
(They sit down on the couch, which is in front of the still recording camera.)
Ross: (voiceover) So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. [Cut back to the present day.] It kept rolling and recorded everything.
(Pause)
Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna need to see that tape. (They rest of them agree.)
Monica: Yeah, definitely.
Ross: What a great idea! That will get Rachel to forgive me!
Joey: Y’know what? This is not fair to her. Let’s just forget the tape!
Ross: Thank you. (Joey mouths to Ross, "You’ll show me right?") No!
Joey: You’re right. (Mouths, "I know you’ll show me, right?)
Ross: Joey! No!
Joey: Loud and clear! (Mouths, "You’ll show me," and nods.)
(Ross storms out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are now sitting in the living room.]
Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number.
Joey: Y’know, if they knew what they were doing they probably didn’t give you real names either.
Monica: Okay, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don’t give out fake names.
……